My Year,in Review

WOW... what an eventful year I've had this year. As it comes to a close my mind swims with wonder about what's ahead for me in the year ahead, AND recalls the moments that stick out from this year at present.

2011 was a year of great change and challenge for me. It began with me still living and working in Orlando, but knowing that in just a few months I'd be leaving my job, the city that I'd called home for nearly 3yrs, and returning back to Nashville, the city I'd previously called home for nearly 8. As the time approached for me to return to Nashville, a myriad of emotions welled up in my heart, at any given moment. I knew that I'd miss desperately the friends I had in Orlando, but I was excited to reconnect on a more consistent basis with the friends that I'd left when I moved to Florida in the first place. I was also nervous. Being gone from Nashville for so long meant that I'd return to a scene that had changed quite a bit. It also meant that I was going to have to start over in a sense... but that fact somewhat excited me. Nothing was concrete in my professional life... or really in any other way... so the fact that I'd get a chance to start over again was somewhat refreshing...albeit scary. The ONE thing that was solid, was that I was going to get a chance to start singing with Wynonna Judd again. It would be a few months after my re-relocation back to Nashville, before I'd have enough dates with The Judds that my finances wouldn't be an issue... BUT living in Nashville previously, taught me how to survive in between checks...and though it would be a slow beginning... I felt confident that the end result would be worth it. Lucrative even.

My friend Maurice Carter, who also sang with The Judds, had contacted me in 2010 and RElit the flame in my heart to record my own album, and promised to help me in every way that he could. I'd flown to Nashville a few times and had a few writing sessions with him, and I was very excited to get some recording done in 2011. When I first moved to Nashville in 2003 I had both management and recording contracts. 7 nearly 8 years later I'd still not recorded, and even though I didn't really notice while it was happening... I'd begun to give up on that dream. Maurice spoke life into my spirit... I was writing songs again with ease, and creating music almost nonstop... I GREATLY looked forward to getting that process of recording and creating, underway.

My move back to Nashville was in March, towards the end of March...almost April... It was a VERY difficult start.. But little by little, thanks to Maurice bringing me in on all of the session work that he could, and me contacting my other session singin' friends... I began to get more and more session work. So... I kept my eyes on the prize...even if I fussed and cussed a lot on the way. The Judds had several dates intermittently.... hopping on the tour bus with my good friend Maurice and the band was a BLAST!!! Maurice and I sang at the Pittsburgh Symphony with Wynonna, and even got to meet Marvin Hamlisch... a musical legend. Wynonna was late for sound check that event, so IIIII got to be her during sound check...which meant that I had to sing in front of all of those AMAZINGLY talented musicians, and Mr. Hamlisch himself. My stomach was in KNOTS... but I sang on.... And at the end of it all..Maurice and I took a picture with him, and he called us phenomenal.... It meant the WORLD to hear that from him.

A few months later, in June, randomly...my friend Mo' left this earth. The sting of his death is STILL to much for my heart to take at times. He was like a big brother to me, a RIDICULOUSLY precious friend, and a mentor in the Faith. No one who knew him will ever forget him. No one to whom he gave his time and attention to will ever be alright with leaving their life at status-quo. It was  JOY to know him, and too much of a loss to explain, to lose him.

Maurice's passing got to Wynonna so...that without any notice, she "fired" me. And so... because I didn't have the funds that I needed to live as I was, I moved into my friend Julie's house. She and her family were going on a year long road trip, and allowed me to rent the house from them while they were away, for nearly free.... and SO, in the middle of heartbreak and loss, LOVE shone through my life. I saw the hand of God provide for me, like he ALWAYS has... but this time he did it in a way I never would have imagined.

In October I came back to Orlando for a seasonal contract at Disney, and tonight will be my last night working there for the holiday season.... 2011 is fast approaching and there are MANY unknowns about what lies ahead for me. But I hold fast to the remembrance of how God has taken care of me in years past... and in this last year. So, I will continue to walk on this path that God has set me on, and when the day suddenly turns to night...I will continue walking... Step by step... clinging to the hand of God... and allowing him to guide me. I don't know much... but I know that he's got great plans for me. Jer.29:11 told me so.

Happy New Year friends!!!

Love Hard or Die Trying

I'm coming into the realization that loving people is hard...HARD grueling work. It's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday that loving ME...is even MORE difficult. Like most people, I'm replete with intricacies and little bends in my personality that keep who ever has stepped up to the challenge of loving me, for who I am, on their toes, and almost always a little flustered. It's not something that I am particularly proud of.... but it's something that I am coming to understand.

A couple years ago, after a series of unfufilling relationships, and much heart ache from within, I decided to take a break from dating. I was VERY frustrated with my knack for putting myself into situations with guys...that in the long run... just didn't work out. I decided that there was one constant variable in ALL of the romance situations that had run their course and eventually fizzled out. ME. I'm on of the those people whose brain is CONSTANTLY churning. In many ways it's a good thing... I'm a thinker, and though I have been known to be spontaneous... at other times I'm guilty of over thinking a thing... and many times, siking myself out of what COULD have been a wonderful experience...in efforts to keep myself from disappointment. To that regard, after relationship FAIL, after miserable,heart wrenching FAIL.. I said to myself, what I've found myself saying to friends who'd come to me for relationship guidance (AS IF IIIII had anything valuable to say...lol), "It's not ALWAYS the other person!!!" Meaning... Sometimes you've got to look at situations and take responsibility for what YOU bring to situations... YES such and so WAS a complete "douche"... YES he never valued you as a person, YES, YOU gave to the relationship more than he did most of the time...BUT.... EVERYTHING cant be blamed on the other person, whilst you sit back and mourn the loss of another love that's ended. In order to get to the bottom of  a matter you've got to look at ALL of the factors involved....which means... you have to take some inventory of yourself...ask God to show you your weaknesses.... and give you the courage to face your fears...and try to make some positive changes, from the INSIDE out.

I've been dating someone for a year or so now... and as you know, sometimes it takes being in close relationship with someone, for you to see certain facts about yourself, both good and bad. In my case what I've discovered has been both enlightening and alarming.

I've mentioned before that I'm a "survivor" of sexual abuse as a child. I've also mentioned in another blog that I was adopted by my parents as a little girl. I THINK I may have also spoken about how fortunate I feel as an adult to have as many wonderful friends in my life as I do...because I had a very lonely childhood...and spent many days and nights crying out to God to send me friends who would love me for ME.... All of that is fine and dandy... I thank God for his faithfulness to me, my whole lifelong... and I don't take for granted his mercy in my life that kept me thru the hardest moments of my life, and has helped to sustain me in the days since. All of us bring our entire life story into all of our relationships... How we treat the ones that we love, folks we barely know, and even strangers...can be traced to the stories of our past, which have helped to shape the way we view the world around us, and the people that we share this world with.

In MY case, I've noticed over time, but especially recently as my relationship has gone longer and longer that though I pride myself in being an "open minded" individual, who makes friends easily... and etc... I've become bitter, and often times, expect the worse out of people. Particularly when it comes to dating. I've hidden behind the mask of my friendly nature, and fun loving ways and it's effected how much of myself  I've given in love....and how I've expected to be treated.

A couple years ago I took on the task of self inventory... and I've been working hard at becoming the woman that I believe I was intended to be every day since. The main thing that has been on my mind lately is that it is HARD, HARD work loving people, really, honestly and truly loving them...not within the confines of my humanity, and what comes naturally to me. But loving people the way that Christ has commanded that I love them. Unconditionally. I don't have any new revelation on the matter.... just a resolve that I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to love correctly. My friends, my family, my man, my fellow man... I want to be an example of Christ's love. I want to be the type of person that when I'm dead and gone, and friends and family are left with nothing but the memory of our time here together on this earth, that for the rest of their lives they will be able to look at me as an example of someone who loved, and loved HARD... I want to be a woman that they will tell friends of theirs who never got to meet me, or tell their children about, for the way that I cared for those God had given to my care. I want to spend the rest of my life, loving, and LOVING HARD...or when I die...that I'll still be trying to get it right.

Merry Christmas friends. LOVE you... well.... at least I'm TRYING to. Lol.

So...Whats in a name...apparently..LOTS

SO... whether you've paid MUCH attention to all that's going on in the news or not, chances are that you've heard a little something about Coach Sandusky and the allegations of sexual molestation that  have been brought against him.

Normally, I don't have much to say when it comes to chiming in on whatever major scandal has captured the attention of the nation for a moment. I lived in Orlando for 3yrs. During that time, the Casey Anthony trial was underway, and it seemed like every time I turned the TV on, there was something being said about Casey, her missing child, updates in the case being brought against Casey, and etc. Then I'd get on facebook, and it wasn't uncommon at all to see that friends had written little tidbits on their profile,about their feelings on the Casey Anthony debacle. Part of me thought to myself that it was a waste of time for folks to engage in such talk. I mean, unless you're related to the Anthony's, or are their neighbors..or something like that, WHO CARES what you have to say about the issue... Right?!

The other part of me knew that human interest stories are called that for a reason. They somehow strike us to our core, and cause us to wonder how WE'D handle a matter, where we in the same boat. Or our humanity is moved, because of the depravity of such a case, and we're forced to reconcile within ourselves, that though there is MUCH that is good about us feeble humans, there can also be very dark, evil, and vile parts to us... and that children can be murdered, women raped, and men murdered. We find out about a young girl who'd been kidnapped as a child and lived for 18yrs in captivity... and it's all that we can do to wrap our minds around the matter.

WELL.. I was at work last night, backstage at Disney getting ready for our 2nd show of the night when my cast mates and I saw on the news that Coach Sandusky had been sent home, wearing an electronic ankle bracelet... and given house arrest while he awaits his trial. Almost every jaw in the room dropped. Honestly it took everything in me NOT to reveal the true emotions that were welling up on the inside of me.

HOUSE ARREST??? Are you friggin' KIDDIN' me?! My thoughts went every where as I tried to rationalize why such a sentence be given to the Coach... Finally it dawned on me. "Fame".  It is my personal opinion that the Coach's "name" and status... afforded him the luxury that the common man would not be.

Now...don't get me wrong. I'm a human rights BUFF... I believe in due process, that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, and that every one is indeed innocent until proven guilty. BUT... I also know that if a "normal" man, were awaiting trial for the same matter..... he'd be awaiting his trial in jail.

As a Christian my mind wrestles all of the time with the love of Christ... Thinking about Christ dying to reconcile us "NORMAL" heathens unto himself is hard to fully understand, but more and more I can start to somewhat understand it. AND I'm excited when I think about new converts... folks realizing that the Lord loves them, and yada yada yada...

However, when it comes to CHILD MOLESTER, or a murderer, or rapist... my mind reaches its limit...and I honestly have to WAR with myself...and remind myself that Christ died for them to, and that he has grace and mercy and understanding for them as well, and that HE would, that even they would see the error in their ways and come to his saving grace.... and THAT I'm learning to try to truly grasp..daily.

I want everyone to know and love, and be constantly changed by the Lord...as I have been. But it REAAAALLY pisses me off to no end, knowing that an alleged child abuser gets the chance to go home and chill. Its a matter of principle, what's good for the goose should be good for the gander... I mean EQUALITY should be constant right?? If the "poor nobody" has to go to jail to await trial, shouldn't the rich, famous Coach?? Why should there be any difference? I KNOW that I'm not Nancy Grace, and that I don't have ALL of the facts, but we see this issue of all the time with celebrities... The Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons... can be publicly drunk, wreck cars while being intoxicated on all SORTS of illegal substances, NOT show up for the court dates, and STILL be given the lightest sentence ever...along with chance after chance.... If given 40 days of community service, they can show up ONE DAY  for half an hour.... and it be said that they've "really learned their lesson".... it BOTHERS ME!

Coach Sandusky's case hit too closely to home for me. My family once had to endure a trial against a Child Molester. Mine. I was scared beyond my wits, even though I knew that my abuser was in jail before,during, and AFTER the trial. I can't imagine what the victims in this case, though they're mostly adults, are feeling at this moment. The law is supposed to protect us all, no matter what side of the card we find ourselves on. Victim,Defense, or Prosecution....

Like I said before, Coach Sandusky hasn't been found guilty of any crime... but while things are being sorted out, it's MY opinion, that he be treated like the common man.

November 14,1980...a day that will live on in INFAMY..well, at least for MY family it will

Yesterday was November 14th... DUH... Most likely for most of you, unless it's your birthday or your anniversary.. November 14th is just another day. For the folks in my immeditate family however, it's a day that will always carry a special meaning. I was born on September 10,1980. Shortly thereafter, I was officially given away for adoption by my biological mother. I don't know exactly when she made the decision that she would be unable to care for me, in the best possible manner for the rest of my life... I don't know much about her at all. All I know know is that she was 18 years old when she gave birth to me, and that I was her second daughter. Her family was raising her, AND helping her raise her other daughter..that she had when she was 15yrs old or so... and so adding another child to the mix might have been more than they could all handle.

As a child my emotions varied on the subject of my adoption. Because my adoption was a closed one, I went my entire childhood, not knowing a THING about my biological background. Ever the dreamer, I created MANY different stories about my biological family... One of my dad's brothers is named Bobby... Bobby Brown. I'm pretty sure that I told many inquisitive kids that my uncle was Bobby Brown... the singer. I KNOW for sure that Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, AND Paula Abdul ALL had the honor of being my biological mother...as well as MANY a gospel artist... And the truth of the matter is...they all very well COULD be as far as I know.... but it wouldn't matter much.

What DOES matter a LOT...and WHOLE LOT is that my biological mother, when faced with the hard decision of what to do with her 2nd child, chose to give me life...and to ask only one thing for the child that she very well may never see again. That I be placed in a loving home, with parents who would love me, and raise me in the ways of the Lord.

On November 14,1980 her request was granted, and Yasmin and David Brown...a sweet young couple from Atlanta,Georgia who'd recently relocated to Cincinnati,Ohio after marrying and completing college; became my parents. God could not have been more benevolent to me... a little "orphan" girl, who would prove to be more of a handful at times than any 2 parents should EVER have to handle. I had nothing to do with the way that I came into the world, and I had even less to do with who God placed me with. All I know is that on November 14,1980, my life was set on a remarkable path. David and Yasmin Brown, went before the courts of Ohio and vowed to take care of me.... and I can't imagine my world without them!! THANKS MOM AND DAD!!! I love and thank you!!! Happy Belated Adoption Day!!!

the BIIIIIIIIBLE says...

An excerpt from the chapter of Luke was used in today's Sermon at my church in Orlando. Luke 6:37. The whole scripture "judge not, and ye shall not be judged"...scripture that is often misquoted, or taken out of context by both Non-Christians and Christians alike... How often have you heard someone say.. " the BIIIIIBLE says"... and while i've stopped there... how come when folks quote the bible.. in the WRONG way... they like to kinda SING the word Bible... their tone going UP on the "iiiiii" part of "bible"...ugh... makes me wanna kick 'em in their throat.... lol.

Anyway, how many times have you heard someone say " the bIIIIIIIble says, JUDGE NOT." ? UUUUGGGGH... I've heard it too many times to keep count... and it always makes me cringe a little bit!! Lol... that's NOT what the Biiiiible says at all... the REAL scripture says "judge not and ye shall not be judged: condemn not and ye shall not be condemned: forgive and ye shall be forgiven.." Luke 6:38 goes on to say... and is the actual POINT of my blog today "Give and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together and running over,shall men give into your bosom."

Before I get serious, I'd just like to take a moment to say... that it's ALREADY been given to me...to the FULL in the region of my bosom.... Is there a blessing of minimalism that I can speak over my life?? Heavens... that scripture sounds more like a description of a few of my BRAS than something I'd like to speak over myself... lol I'm kidding... but no,seriously.

I want to focus on the 38th verse of Luke 6 because very seldom have I heard this text of Luke preached in full context. More usually, I've heard the parts about judging not... and USUALLY somewhere during offering time... I've heard vs.38 read and taught from. Most of the time it's in attempt to encourage us in the church, that if we give unto the Lord...monetarily... he'll bless us to the point that we won't be able to even CONTAIN it... it'll be pressed down, like you do flour or sugar..when you want to get a lot in the cup... and THEN, the blessing will be running over.

Well, as I read the scripture today in church...it dawned on me that perhaps I've both read and heard it taught out of context. I mean, i'm sure that there IS financial blessing that can be learned from the scripture but what if there's more than meets the eye. Secularists, Christians, and Krishnans alike have a multitude of sayings that remind us to be "good" to our neighbor. We talk about Karma. "What goes around, comes around" and almost EVERYONE refers to the "Golden Rule"...

Vs.38 appeared to me in a new light.... not so much about how I should give of my finances, but just another reminder of how I should treat those around me with as much grace as possible. In turn, when it's MY time on the "hot seat", and I'M the one in need of a kind word, some grace, or forgiveness.... An abundance will be ready for me. If I'm quick to be critical and judgemental of others... with that SAME spirit, I'll be treated. Or if I'm quick to extend mercy and forgiveness... A mete of mercy and forgiveness will be given unto me that's SO hefty and generous in portion, by those around me...that my bosom will be overflowing. Now, listen. Like I mentioned earlier... i'm JUST about as full as I'd like to be in my bosom region. But if grace,forgiveness,understanding and mercy are gunna be given to me in such a LARGE portion... I'll store it there...and just about anywhere else that I can get it....

You may have already figured out this simple little idea a LONG time ago.. but it was nice to get a soft, heavenly reminder today in church.

Be blessed. AND... Be nice!! Lol (YUP...DEFINATELY preaching to myself on THAT one!!)

If HOME is where your heart is...Than I've got MANY-a-home!!

I grew up in Cincinnati,Ohio as a kid. Both of my parents were born and raised in Atlanta...and almost everyone in my extended family, remained in Atlanta. So, as a young child we spent many holidays and vacations in Atlanta... visiting family. We did a fair amount of traveling as a family. We didn't take any exotic trips to the islands, or European tours or anything but...we had a Chalet in Gattlingburg,TN. so we often went there to rest. We also went to florida a few times.. we traveled quite often to take me to one or another vocal competition...and we were VEEEEEERRRRY involved in our church community...so we often traveled out of state to go to various church conferences with our Pastor....

I never really liked being from Cincinnati... as a child, Atlanta...and Charlotte, or Chicago... many other cities that I was able to visit with my family seemed so much bigger. So full of life and culture. There was also a major issue between the African American Community in Cincinnati...and the Police Department....so, as a young child, I knew from as early on as I can imagine, that Cincinnati would always be where I was from...but not necessarily, where I lived as an adult. However, I always figured that though my family had ties to Atlanta.. THEY'D always remain there... so in some ways, I'd always "go home" to Cincy... when it came time for holidays and special occasions. I never really imagined what life would be like, if my parents moved away from the town that my siblings and I were born and raised in.

Well.. right before my junior or senior year of college... my parents called me, and told me that my mother had gotten a new job, within the company that she worked for, and had been offered a job in Houston,Tx. She'd accepted the job.. and they would move in less than a month from the time that we'd spoken. Well...instantly, things to a new perspective. Even though all of my friends had gone away for college... all of their families still lived in Cincinnati... so seeing them had always been convienient. NOW with my family literally leaving...for GOOD... WHO KNEW when I'd be able to spend time with them. And what about our house?? The thought of some new strange batch of people, coming to live, where I'd spent the bulk of my adolescent years really hurt me..AAAND I was in college. Traveling almost EVERY...SINGLE...WEEKEND with The Voices of Lee. Cincinnati was about 5hrs from my College... it wasn't like I was going to be able to go home..and really say goodbye... I had one last trip to Cincinnati to gather anything that I wanted to take from the house, to keep with me....and then, that was it.


Our family found Houston to be a lovely city, and they still reside there to this day. I lived there for about 2yrs, right after I graduated College. I took a job as a Director of Music for a local church there...but, Houston,never felt like, home. Even though my parents and my 2 younger brothers were there... going to visit them, was going to VISIT them... not going home.

After sometime, I settled in Nashville,Tn. I'd oved to Tn.with a young heart, full of big dreams, and a record contract. I just KNEW that my time in the sun had come... I was finally going to be the recording artist I'd dreamed of being for most of my life. To make a very,VERY long story short...well, a little bit shorter.... NOTHING went according to plan. Life was HARD for me. I found myself in a new city, at a new church, BROKE.... Buh-ROOOOOOKE, single, and heart broken. During that time God allowed friendships to develop with some of the most amazing people I may ever have the honor of knowing and loving. A sweet young couple who had a large ,sweet family of 5 kids who befriended me, when I was still in college....opened their hearts and their home to me... and Nashville, a city that had begin to resemble a place of doubt, fear, lack, and defeat.....began to look like home to me. My incredible friends encouraged me when I was down, laughed with me when I was being silly, and even cussed with me when I was mad, or hurting. Having them, along with plugging in and finding my niche' at my church...over time began to take the feeling of "homelessness" away from me. I never recorded the album that I'd started, but God allowed me to minister with some of the most amazing recording artists in varying genres all over the world. AND he plugged me into a ministry...where I joined the Praise Team of one of the Nation's most respected Bible Teachers.That motley crew of musicians and singers became both my friends and my family.

Years later, I looked up and I'd been in Nashville nearly 7 years, when an opportunity came along for me to relocate to Orlando,Fl. to sing full time at Walt Disney World. I'd JUST bought a brand new KING SIZE... memory foam bed for my bedroom, and had JUST gotten it assembled. I was laying in my new DEEElux bed when my phone rang. As I live and breathe, the Holy Spirit said to me, " that's Disney on the phone, they're gunna offer you a job, and you need to take it." Just like that. I'd not spoken to anyone from the company. It'd be a LONG time since i'd worked there last... there was NO earthly reason that I should've have suspected they'd be calling to offer me a job. NONE. Well, suffice it to say, the Holy Spirit was right. It WAS them, and they did offer me a job. They offered me a full time job, and didn't even tell me what show it was that they wanted me to sing in. I had to ask them later, after the woman who called told me that they had a full time contract to offer me! lol

What the Holy Spirit nicely left out... when he prepared my heart for the conversation that I was about to have, was that once I took the job with Disney, I'd have about 3wks to gather my things, and get to florida....
I called my parents, I called my dear sweet friends who are family to me... and it was very clear, that I needed to go..... But... I was going to be leaving the only place that  had felt like home to me, since I was in college.

Its an usual feeling.... when you don't honestly feel like you BELONG anywhere, or to anybody. Even though my parents lived in Houston...it wasn't MY home. It was where they lived. My mother and I had a few arguements about that. She felt like "home" should be wherever THEY were...since they're my parents. In many regards that's true... but Houston, though close to my heart for several reasons, including the amazing friendships I made while working there at the church....does not BELONG to me... ya know?? It's not MY city...

I've wrestled with the "home" idea now off and on for YEARS. I lived in Orlando for nearly 3 years while I worked for Disney. All the while, I missed Nashville... the place I'd called home for nearly 7 years. But then, a funny thing started to happen...

A shifting began in my spirit. A couple of years back now... I began to get even MORE restless. It bothered me that I didn't have any place to call my own any more... I felt torn. Houston, Nashville, Orlando... and the longer I stayed away from Cincinnati... the place that I resented so much as a child, Cincinnati even began to feel like "home" in many regards.....
I began to pray. " God, give me a home. Send me home, I want a place that's all my own. I'll go WHERE EVER you tell me to, I just want to that such and so spot...is my HOME BASE.......but Send me Father, I'll go!!!"

In March of this year I left Orlando, and moved BACK to Nashville...and so thinking that God had answered my prayers... I prepared to start rooting again. Knowing that for me, there would always be seasons when i'd be away for awhile. Maybe even a LONG while... but I just assumed that since the Lord had allowed to me to return to Tn...that's where I would be. I JUST MOVED BACK TO ORLANDO....hahaha... only for the holiday season. As far as I know i'll be back to Nashville in January.... but my feelings about "HOME" and where exactly that is for me are starting to shift. My hearts desire is to go where ever the Lord needs me, wants me, wills me to go. I've learned that I wont be happy. Unless I know for certain, that I'm exactly where the Lord wants me to be.....for however long... in whatever environment.

I LOVE MY PARENTS... and they live in Houston, TX...where my siblings live, and MANY of my dearest friends live. I may never personally reside there again... but does it feel like home to me, when i'm with them?? YES. Do I ADORE schlepping around my parent's house... in my PJ's... cookin', eatin'...laughin' and cryin'?? YOU STINKIN BETCHYA!! So, Houston is home to me. I LOVE NASHVILLE,TN... I LOVE my friends, I LOVE my church family, I LOVE all that God has worked out in me and developed in me, during my season of life in that city. It will ALWAYS be home to me, whether I build a home there and raise my kids there...or NOT!! NASHVEGAS,Tn... is home. I LOVE ORLANDO.. I am connected to the city in ways that are hard for me to explain. I believe that God is up to something amazing in this city, and I'm looking foward to being a part of it, if he'll allow me to be. HOW LONG WILL I BE HERE? Your guess is as good as mine at this point... But it was home to me for several years..and it still feels home now!! Atlanta,Ga.... birthplace of my ENTIRE family tree... I feel so connected to that city, and I never spent more than a couple months at a time living there... but you better KNOW that it's home to me....


I've written an Illiad, JUST to get to this point.... You don't HAVE to have a house in a city, Or have lived there you entire life.. Or have a spouse and kids in a city, for God to have called you there for a season, OR for it just simply to feel like home to you. I dont know where I'll be when the next time I look up and I've lived in a city for 7 or 10 or 15yrs.... All I know that, God's allowed my heart to grow in love and in him, in some pretty varying cities and environments.... and with all the LOVE i've experienced from knowing and loving him... knowing and loving his people, and him blessing me with THEIR love in return.... I'm just as home as I need to be.... Where EVER he sends me!!!

so... there's THAT!

Turning ３１ in the Land of the Rising Sun

Sooo.. Yesterday... or the day before the day before that......(my days are getting all confused in my mind...what with the 14hr time difference) on September 10th, I celebrated my birthday!! It was 10th, I celebrated my birthday!! It was absolutely a day i`ll not soon forget... We started our day off in the usual fashion for us....that is. in　the　usual　fashion for us....that is... RUNNING AROUND LIKE MAD!! Our first performance was in a city called Sendai..well both concerts were in Sendai.. The first was at a missionary baptist school that was 120 yrs old, called Shokei. It was a blast, all of the sweet children received us well, and treated us like rock stars..．wanting to take pictures, and have us sign autographs....NOT that ,that was the POINTof our visit, but it was still sweet, and a lot of fun! it was　still sweet, and a lot of fun!! The BIGGEST star among us, was our own Austin Cagle....whom we`ve now started to call Austin Bieber...because of the way the little girl students screamed and Banshee yelled anytime he was near....or spoke over the intercom.

The next performance was later that evening, in a shopping mall area.... that evening, in a shopping mall area.... outdoors in an area called Parco. Many people stopped what they were doing to enjoy our music... I saw SEVERAL people crying, and wiping away tears.... as the healing balm of Gods` loved swept over them, while we sang and played. The song, The Healing Has Begun has pretty much become the anthem of our trip has pretty much become the anthem of our trip. Its very much got a "We Are our trip. Its very much got a "We Are The World" type vibe to it.... Randy Smith aka...the Right Rev`m of  FUNK....(thats my name for him) sings the solo....while playing his bass....(OOOOH so cool)... and encourages those listening not to be afraid or ashamed of the scars that they bear.....because they`re the proof of Gods healing them.... and we all sing the chorus in Japanese.

A few days ago...I was asked to learn how to say "please sing along" while we`re singing, to rid ourselves of the "us and them,concert　feel" and free the audience to open their hearts. I must admit that I was scared to BITS when Chris told me what was hearts. I must admit that I was scared ｔｏ BITS when Chris told me what was being asked of me... But I just HAVE to say.... that phrase, is probably asked of me... But I just HAVE to say.... that phrase, is probably the BEST phrase i`ve ever learned in my entire life.... Night after night, being able to invite the audience to sing with us, has been the most beautiful moment for me.... All of a sudden, the invisible screen is removed...and we`re ALL just worshipping together.... Tears flowing down our faces, hands raised.... It`s amazing!!

Later that night, after our concert, we went to a that night, after our concert, we went to a church to fellowship with our concert, we went to a church to fellowship with some of our host friends...and ended up having an amazing time of worship.... We sang..and prayed... in english, in japanese... in our heavenly languages... it honestly felt as if God had descened from Glory for a moment...and sat with us.

I`d blogged earlier about how I felt so complete, while out here ministering.... During prayer...Austin whispered in my ear, encouragement from the Lord.. "the Lord PROMISED you, you`d go Lord.. "the Lord PROMISED you, you`d go to　the nations..．.the beginning is now".... This trip has been nothing but a BLESSING...and i`m SO honored, that God would include US...Christ Church..in what he`s doing in the earth!!
THE HEALING HAS BEGUN!!!

i was BORN for moments like this!

last night...our team traveled thru the day by train..and subway from the city of kyoto,Japan....to Tokyo. it's always so funny to me how the "brain"...well honestly..i think its more of th spirit..works. For example after traveling all day...schlepping thru the heat thru downtown Tokyo....soundcheck, and then dinner....ALL of us were starting to feel the stress of the day...and our bodies worked overtime to let us know....it was NOT time to minister to ANYBODY...but to go to bed....EEE-MEEEJITLY...

However...as SOON as the time came for us to lead Gods people in worship...bit by bit our fatigue faded from view in the forefront of our minds....and the MOST important thing in that moment was loving God...and loving his people.. Last nite..several old prophesies came to mind. Its been spoken over me for as long as i can recall, that God would allow my instrument...my voice to take into the nations to win souls for Christ..and to spread the balm of his healing love...to those who look NOTHING like me...and dont speak my language. Well...i've bee singing with and for those who look nothing like me for ions.... but going into the nations of the earth and doing it...is altogether new.... its like i got to meet and hake hands with a slice of my purpose last nite... there were moments where the presence of God fell on me so...i though i would collapse... the most beautiful memory for me is when i was lmobbed" by a beatutiful group of little japanese children...ranging in age from 4 to abou 10. i said my normal...limited...badly spoken greeting to them...Konechewa...fully expecting our encounter to bebrief...since neiher of us could understand each other..but one little girl grabbed my hand...and began to say something in japanese over and over to me...i shook my head an said..."i'm sorry...i don't understand you" and then she pointed to herself and repeated....and then motioned for me.. i realized then that this sweet little girl who would not let go of my hand...was introducing herself.... "ooooooh" i said! "i'm ee-lee-see-yah" pointing to myself... a chuckle of relief went thru all 8of us gathered there....then one by one...sevral ...no ALL of the children grabbed my one free hand (the 1st child was still holding my right one..and was now looking at my skin...and softly rubbing her hands over my skin) in that moment....another part of my purpose revealed itself to me..... To use love....not just any love...but CHRISTS love to unite this world. I may be speaking out of turn...but from the way that swwet child touched my skin....im thinking she'd never been fae to face with a black woman..much less touched one.... while omething was clicking in me.... i feel as if something clicked inside of her....and all the babies.... we are one. unified through Christ by his love for us! I honestly dont know if we'll EVER see each other again....on this side of heaven....but i KNOW we'll never forget that moment.....and so...as the sun begins t rise here...in the land of the rising sun..ive taken a moment to reflect...and honor God for allowing me to see with my own eyes...his prmises being fullfilled. I honestly don't think i'll ever "get over" that moment....or this whole trip.

Lovin' walkng in my purpose today. God Bless

THE HEALING HAS BEGUN..Japan so far

Alright...this　Ｊｕｓｔ may be the fastest blog ever written! JAPAN is WONDERFUL!! Our hosts have been wornderful... there honest Our hosts have been wornderful... honestly words　fail me. I`m just now discovering how to access my blog from here at the hotel...and SO most likely more will come, just wanted to write a quick note and thank ALL of you who made it possible for me to come and grow and give...here in Japan!!! I love you!! and will be back up to my normal rantings soon!!!

L`quatious Gabby

Thanks Be To Our God!!!

I'm laying in my bed- listening to "Thanks Be to God" the last song on Travis Cottrell's new record...it's very much a benediction to an incredible project...but this song evokes so much emotion in me its not even funny. It...like almost everything does these days makes me think of my friend, Maurice Carter..who almost at the thought of the fact that he's left this earth waaaay sooner than I EVER expected, makes me cry for some indiscriminate amount of time.

Maurice joined my Travis Cottrell Praise Team singin' peeps on this last album which was unusual, because NORMALLY we wouldn't have "sullied" ourselves with his....."type"...lol but Trav' was sick... and so, we FORCED ourselves....to have to tolerate his incredible talent...lol. We sang MANY songs for the record, but a when we got to a certain verse on the final song...all of us looked up, and Maurice had begun to cry, and had taken a step back from the mic'. I'd watched him try to sing thru the emotion that was clearly rising up within him...but he couldn't fight it-and eventually he told us.. "Wow guys, I'm so sorry, I don't know whats gotten into me.." "What's WRONG with me?" He asked us thru his tears, slightly embarrassed...because the emotion, came from seemingly nowhere. Finally it was if he tried to explain to us what was going on with him.. "Whew, it's like the lyrics of that song got all over me!"

Well...by that point.. there wasn't any need to even say anything, almost all the rest of us who were singing had started to cry too.... the lyric "For the mysteries beyond the veil of death,for the peace that opens with our closing breath, When our struggles pass away and we finally see your face and greater glory rises into view....Thanks be to our God......Hallelujah, Everlasting songs will rise for all you've done, Hallelujah, Hallelujah, thanks be to our God!"

I don't know what happens in the spirit before our earthly journey wraps up here.... Knowing Maurice HIS spirit was feeling ALL KINDS of things that his natural mind couldn't comprehend yet...

But MAYBE all of that emotional....rigmarole...occurred in our vocal session to get us in a mindset of TRUE worship.

Thanks,adulation,adoration,and worship Eternally are owed our Father for all he's done for us. Tomorrow nite I get to perform with some friends here in Nashville at an event called Still Waters. I was listening to the song I've been referring to tonite on my ipod while at rehearsal for that event when it dawned on me that the last Still Waters event was on June 3,2011 on June 3,2011 (if my dates are correct), my phone began to ring because Mo' was missing. June 4th, late night.... I laid on my couch and cried because my spirit gave my heart the impression, and the leading, that Mo' had gone to be with the Lord already...But I still prayed, and prayed that what I was feeling was wrong...and that we'd find him. I called, I texted, I harassed him...(like I was SUPPOSED TO...as per the conditions of our relationship...lol) but also there in  this middle of my praying and pleading with God....... I began to worship, and thank God for the life of my friend.... and for the fact that i KNEW that if his time HAD indeed come to enter into his sabbath rest...that Maurice was SO OK.... it would be US..who would mourn... and hurt... but he would be fine.....

And when finally it WAS confirmed that Mo' was gone "Thanks Be To Our God" was one of the FIRST songs that came to my mind because I knew in that instant that though I was a ball on the floor....with carpet fibers in my nails from digging and grabbing....Maurice was right at that very moment...joined with the saints of old, and the angels, and the 4 and 20 elders LITERALLY singing Hallelujah, and Everlasting songs.

My days vary....some days I'm alright...I can go on with life without crying...but most days my heart just breaks at some point...when it dawns on me again, what I've lost...what so many of us have lost...in a friend, and brother. But THEN i hear ANOTHER lil' song from Travis's new cd...my brother Mo's last lil' ad lib on one of the song thats sung and echo 3xs that simply encourages us to MARCH ON...sung over a series of connected 8th note runs that just leave you shaking your head in awe of Mo's vocal Skill(z)...lol

March on...in VICTORY...March on... My friend and brother reminds us from the heavens.... and so... March on I shall.... while worshipping, and singing at the top of my lungs...hot tears running down my face..."HALLELUJAH, EVERLASTING SONGS WILL RISE, FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE, HALLELUJAH, HALLELUJAH, THANKS. BE TO. OUR GOD!!!!!"

ALL Da' SINGLE LADIES!!! (warning rated pg-16)

Mkay this blog is short and sweet, and the "meat" of it's content is sadly not my own...But 2 of my friends from choir shared this with me at separate times, and it brought me SOOOO much Joy, I HAD to share with you....my closest friends in Blogville!!

This is dedicated to the single ladies like me...(meaning unmarried) though i'm sure EVERYONE could enjoy it! It gets ROUGH out there for us Christian singles... we're trusting God to bring us the right man for us... but we're human, and sometimes it just plain SUCKS bein' "alone"... eeeeeven though we know we're never alone...and yaaada yaaada YAH!!!

Often times before we even know what's happened we find ourselves in relationships that don't really cause us to flourish, or make us happy, or bring out the best in us... Sometimes we just plain settle... because Someone, is seemingly better than NOone...and at least for a while, we'll have the connection that we're longing for.... Well... This lil' "poem" that was sent to me... is a STRONG reminder for us to be like the biblical heroine Ruth..... who waited for her kinsman redeemer Boaz.... We must remind ourselves to be.like. HER... so.. here goes!!

Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz.

While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle

for ANY of his relatives:

Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz,

Cheapaz, Lockedupaz, Goodfornothinaz,

Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially

his third cousin Beatinyoaz.

Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure

he respects Yoaz !

haaaaaaaaaa!! (see? fun right?!)

K,so... wait a minute...Did I just say QUESO?? yummm!! ha!

About a year and a half ago.. I was MISERABLE. I mean... I was honestly miserable inside. I'd moved from Nashville,Tn to Orlando,Fl. after I just started to feel really rooted and settled in Tn.... and I was feeling a tad bit out of my element. I had AMAZING friends there in Orlando... a few of whom i'd been friends with for YEARS...and any time we were together I'd have the time of my life.... my misery however, would find me once I was alone...

I was completely unhappy with many..many things... Years before moving to Orlando, I'd moved to Nashville with a management contract, and eventually a record deal. I left Nashville with NO record... and NO management... I felt like a failure... I felt as if there were soooo many people who'd had high hopes, and big faith that I'd be a star one day....and I'd become anything BUT a star. I'd also gained soooo much weight. All of my life as a child and really even thru college... I was naturally thin... In college I noticed that i was bigger than most of the other girls I traveled with... I sang in a group that traveled EVERY weekend.. almost ALL YEAR long... singing at churches, arenas, hotel ballrooms, schools..and even parades...recruiting students to our school. When I was in highschool... my close group of friends didn't stand around in the mirror...looking at our bodies, and cursing our every flaw. In college however... it was "FUN" for many of us girls to look in the mirror while getting dressed for a concert...and bash ourselves to oblivion...squeezing our tummies... snatching our faces back... and contorting ourselves in ALL kinds of ways... Still even though I was a little bit bigger than the other girls... I didn't just absolutely HATE myself....By time I reached Orlando.... I could not stand the sight of myself.

After years of hearing things like "You really COULD be a pretty girl if you just lost some weight"... and "your really DO have a pretty face..." I'd accepted that there was something about me that was just not quite good enough, as my own personal truth... and I allowed myself to just...stop caring.
Well... about a year before my 30th birthday...I looked in the mirror one morning and had a major break down... and i mean a MAJOR breakdown... For some reason, I looked at myself, and I mean REEEEALLY looked at myself for the first time in ages, and I could not believe what I saw..... I decided right then and there, that something had to change... SOMETHING... i wasn't exactly sure at that time what needed to change... but I knew that I couldn't stay in the same condition that I was in..

I racked my brain over and over about what I could do to put myself back on the path of self love and appreciation.. and finally one night while writing in my journal, I made a list of all of the things that I hated about myself... and I separated them based on the things that I could change, and the things that I was just born with, and would have to accept. Now...i KNOW that for some, my method may seem a little intense, but it was my way of coming to grips with myself... The interesting thing is that I also made a list of things that I enjoyed about myself. It was 50 times harder to do that..than to say what I couldn't stand... However thinking of the things that I liked about me, actually picked up my spirits a little bit...and kind of acted as the fuel that I'd need for the journey I was about to embark upon.

That night I decided that I was going to start trying to lose weight. My goal at that time, though small seemed nearly IMPOSSIBLE. I wanted to lose 30lbs. And so my journey began... I found a weight loss program that offered much support and guidance... and that was private enough for me. I had NO interest whatsoever in doing the whole group thing.... This journey was personal.

Well...I should wrap this story up, I'm starting to bore MYSELF. lol. Over the course of that year... I ended up losing about 80lbs... I felt INCREDIBLE. I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that I could honestly do that. It by NO means was easy. There were months and months of tears, and stressin' out..early am. workouts.. late evening workouts... Eating things that were LAME compared to what I wanted to eat... It was the hardest most difficult thing I'd ever tried to face... But with the help of God...my friends all over the country supporting me...and just stubborn will on my part... I did it.

Well.... time went on.. and much happened that kind of took the wind right out of my confident little sails. My contract at Disney was not renewed...and so I moved AGAIN back to TN. leaving my friends in Orlando many of whom had become very dear to my heart. Once I got back to TN, though I was elated to be around my closest friends...and church family.. the reality of once again being an independent contract vocalist hit me square in the face.... I got sick and lost my voice for several weeks, due to the allergy issues that always greet me in Tn... I no longer had insurance and I had NO money to speak of...so it wasn't like I could run off to the Drs. office like I did when I was working for disney....and though I was working a little bit, doing some backround vocal sessions.... my checks didn't come the next week...in fact some of them didn't come the next MONTH...oooor the month before that.... In short... I started buggin' out... I couldn't be all hoity toity and selective about what I ate and when.... Many days I was just happy to have 5bucks in my pocket... and so immediately things began to change with me... The FINAL blow to my morale and psyche came when my dear friend Maurice passed away unexpectedly... THHHHUMP!! I hit bottom.... Heartbroken and emotionally drained before I knew what was happening.... I'd gained back 30 of the 80lbs I'd spent SOOO much time and money losing.

You'd think that I'd immediately snap out of my funk...and kick myself in the butt...and get going...working out and eating right and all that jazz...once i noticed my weight gain. I did just the opposite. I got depressed... and angry..and dissapointed...AGAIN I felt like I'd let myself down..and many who'd been watching what I was doing... and getting inspired to go on their own weightloss journey...
Well... after a few weeks of sadness it dawned on me that I had the power to get back to where I'd been... I knew the plan...I knew what it would take... and so VOILA... I'm back to BIDNESS!! lol...

I'm calling this leg of the journey PhaseII. I've also called it Operation Bringin' Sexy Back... well... I've called it many more things than that...but those are the only 2 that I can be SURE would not offend folks...lol
I'm hittin' things HARD as ever...working out... and eating right..and drinkin' more water than I care to. What I learned last time I embarked on this effort was that when YOU are ready to take control... YOU CAN! In other words...when everyone else and their mom, told me that I should work out..or that I had the potential to be beautiful..or HOT... it was like water rolling off a ducks back...because I wasn't into things for the right reason... I was trying to please everyone else. Trying to be good enough in THEIR eyes.... When the time came and I looked in the mirror and called myself by my full government name....and said "alrite girl... let's do this!" It was like magic.

I learned so much while on my way to healthy and happy... and I'm learning so much even now in this 2nd phase... But what I'd like to share with EVERYONE who's got a goal in front of them that is seemingly impossible... is that there is more strength and power and capability inside of you that you don't even know is there yet. Sometimes it takes stepping outside of your comfort zone...to find these hidden treasures inside of you... Just know that there is NOTHING you can't accomplish when YOU believe in yourself... and allow God to strengthen you when you feel the most weak.... sooooo GET UP AND GO FOR IT!!!

love you all!!

L'quatious Gabby Yapsalot

Heaven is for REAL...and that makes me happy!

I started reading the book Heaven is For Real at the urging of one of my dearest friends. She told me that it was an easy read.. and she thought that I may enjoy it.... About a month and a half ago... I lost one of the closest friends i've ever had to an unexpected heart attack. His untimely death has shaken everyone in my community of friends who knew him. It's even impacted folks who didn't know him that well.

Maurice Carter and I met oh..10 or so years ago, when I came to Nashville to visit my best friend Jacob... and to work on my album. I'd recently signed a management contract.. and I was coming to Nashville every now and then to write songs and sing demos and etc. Any way...long story short.. Jacob introduced me to Maurice..and the 3 of us must have spent about 10hrs crackin' up...talking about life, ministry..dating..food..and each others' mamas until our faces and stomachs were sore from all of the laughing and crying.... and well, the rest as the saying goes is history.

About a year or so after 1st meeting Maurice, I moved to Nashville... and it really didn't take us long at all to become each other's Best Worst friend.... by that I mean...we loved each other more than either one of us really cared to express.... and so we didn't. Instead we spent each and every chance we could... dogging each other out... Cursing the day the other was born... cheering on any calamity that befell the other one.... Booing each other when one or the other of us entered a room.... You know... the normal!! It was a friendship made in heaven... we got each other... We NEVER had to explain to the other one, that we loved each other...and would always support each other.... it was just understood. We always stepped up for each other when the time was needed. Gosh... countless stories come to mind... times that Maurice...Mo' I called him... (along with, Ol' Sleuthfoot...Beelzebub, The Accuser of the Bretheren and just plain UGLY...lol)...saw that I was feeling down about something....and he'd come and talk with me...pray with me...laugh at me... or whatever the situation called for.

There were also times when we weren't around each other as much for one reason or the next...and God would place me on his mind....He'd call me...or text me... cuss me out for plaguing his thoughts... and then spend the rest of his time, reminding me of God's heart for me...and how special I was... or whatever. There were times when I began to doubt my calling... He'd not allow that to "fly" for one moment.... He spoke life back into my dying dreams... and urged me to keep believing....and keep working hard....

I honestly talked with Maurice about EVERYTHING..... and then there was making music together... Both of us were/are singers.... and have been asked to sing with people that we just didn't want to... or that..it just felt un-natural...making music with.... Maurice and I never had that problem.... His high pure tenor sound... and my thick rich tone some how came together wonderfully... and we jumped on any chance we could...to sing together.... For awhile we traveled with Wynonna Judd together...LORD...country music was NEVER ready for the likes of us... You should have SEEN us...trapsin' around Plant City,Fl. at the Strawberry Festival....Rebel flags flyin' all around us... and he and I strollin' around the grounds...laughin' at nearly  EVERYTHING we saw...and laughing at the folks who stared us down...trying to figure what in the world WE were doing back stage with all the country stars.... Gosh we had the best time together...

I especially loved our relationship at church! We'd be walking to the front of the stage to sing Praise and Worship...and he'd be whispering in my ear that God was NOT gunna receive my prayers...because you know..he hated me....but that HE had a most excellent relationship with God...and he'd be blessed just watching me suffer... His nickname for me included the name Lucifer... and he never hesitated to call me such....

SO...needless to say...his death broke my heart. I think it's just now starting to settle in... settles in more and more each day... that he's like...GONE... really and truly, not coming back.... I'll never see him again....

That's why my friend suggested that I read the aforementioned book.... The book gives the account of a little boy who had been terribly sick... and at one point was very near death... while he was in the hospital...in surgery... he had an out of body experience...or a vision..of being in heaven.... Little by little he said things to his family..over a period of years that revealed what he'd experienced while being in heaven....

There were many striking points in the book... but one point grabbed the attention of my heart the most...While he was in heaven...the little boy met his great grandfather..who'd been dead YEARS before he was born, and he met his sister...who he never even knew existed. Before he was born, his mother had a miscarriage.... He was only about 4yrs old at the time of his heavenly visit.... and his parents had never spoken to him about the baby they'd lost... He goes on to talk about all of the folks he met while he was there.... and while I read the book it began to dawn on me.... that one day I really WILL see my loved ones again.... particularly Maurice.

I also got a great deal of joy reading the boy's account of  folks' wings in heaven. The boy told his father that his great grandfather in heaven had really  huuuuge wings.... while he had little ones... I couldn't help but chuckle...because in the process of trying to cope with the loss of my friend.... I teased him and said, just like he had weeee lil' spindly fingers....he probably had the teeen-tiniest wings e'er to grace the glory land....lol I mean honestly... it just wouldn't be fittin' for him to have MASSIVE wings...when he had such tiny lil' hands and feet on earth!! lol. The little boy also made mention of being able to see what was going on here on earth with his family, while he was sick and in surgery. He said that he prayed for his earthly father while he was in heaven...because he could see that his father was afraid...and needed peace.... Instantly my mind went to the scripture of the Bible in Hebrews that says "therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses...let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."

It did my heart well to think that the things that we say to each other when we're trying to console one another.... "dear grandma is in heaven right now, looking down on all of us.." and etc...actually has some scriptural bearing....

I mean...as much of a help to me as Mo' was while still on earth...just knowing he's in heaven... looking down on all of us that he loved... and cheering us on...and maybe even petitioning God the Father on our behalf...is really encouraging....

Some days i'm fine... other days my heart hurts so bad, I feel a bit guilty. I mean... I was just his friend... I think of his sisters and brother and his precious mother.... and i multiply the pain in my heart by an infinite amount...and I pray for the strength of their heart. It's especially hard, going to church, singing in the Praise Team, and choir without him.... It's so odd because I never once had to think about what life would be like without him here...much less what my worship experience would be like.... I cry all of the time...at random. I'll see a car that looks like his...or hear songs that we recorded together... and I just can't stop the pain from swelling in my heart....and flowing like a river from my eyes.... I know that one day.... the thought of him won't hurt me so much...and i'll not cry all of the time.... I also know that I'll probably NEVER get over him being gone.... but I also know this.... Heaven IS for real... and one day...after I've successfully finished MY race here on earth.... Not only will I get to see Jesus... I'll see my friend again... and today.... that thought has eased the pain in my heart...for awhile.

Love and miss you Mo'.... and i'll see you again...and probably sooner than YOU'D like..lol.

hmm..sooo, my skin is pretty because it's "light" in your eyes??

so.. i wasn't expecting to have such a deep conversation with the nail tech who was doing my nails today. I mean...usually when i get my nails done anywhere, the convo stays pretty much on the surface level. Today's chat while beautifying my paws was a bit different...than any other i've had before, in such a place. Maybe there was a little more of a comfort level between us because i'd been sent to this particular salon by a girlfriend of mine whose nails i've marveled at for years. she told me to ask for a particular gentleman, and so i did. Once i told him who'd sent him to me...it was ON and poppin'....

Things started out innocently enough... i was kind of tickled because though he was from vietnam originally, and had a pretty thick accent... i could tell he'd been in the south for awhile...and I could also tell from his conversation he'd been around..... well... black folks! lol. He shared with me that he'd first been in atlanta... and shared some of his experiences there.... We talked about the challenges he's noticed by being a man of color in the particular area of nashville he lived and worked in.... I must admit, i was honestly a bit impressed with him... he seemed to be very grounded, and rooted...and we shared many of the same ideals about how customers...and well, just people in general should be treated, regardless of their skin color...

the big ol' monkey wrench was tossed in the convo' bucket, when i asked him a question about my nail beds... he kept referring to how pretty and pink they were, naturally... "Cool." I thought, i mean.... what woman doesn't like a gratuitous compliment every now and then...or ALL the time...about their beauty... even if it's a compliment on the cuticle of my right pinky toe nail.... i'm happy.... and so i thanked him and stared off at the television to avoid an awkward silence....

THEN he continued his nail bed flattery by explaining that not all black women had cuticles like mine.... Most of us, he said....had Dark, Ugly nail beds... because of their darker skin complexion... he then went on to point out to me my skin... tapping my forearm... "see... your skin is not so dark..its light and pretty... not so dark"...

sadly i didn't respond the way i probably SHOULD have, because it was such an awkward, unexpected moment... but immediately my mind spun into absolute orbit... thinkin' things like... "uhhhm... did this fool just say that??!"... Still i kind of nodded and stared off again, trying to avoid my mouth from getting me into trouble..... Later he commented about my hair.. and how it was "GOOD" hair.. because it was curly and etc... (what he DIDN'T know was that i was wearing a fall... a hair piece that you can clip onto your head, to add fullness and volume and etc..) Well... i wasn't going to miss my chance this time. I asked him if he'd seen Chris Rock's documentary on black womens' hair..and the hair industry... He said he'd seen some of it.... I wasted no time in letting him know about the movie...and about how i felt...

i explained to him the sad fact that for as long as black women have been in america... and probably even longer... there has been an "invisible" force...telling them that their natural hair..skin...lips...butts...thickness...and the such... was NOT considered beautiful.... and that many of us bought into the idea that... the western worlds' idea of beauty, was the real standard... in other words... we believed the crappy hype that told us, White, is Right...lol.. that straight her, and porcelain skin... equalled beauty....

we had an engaging conversation... we shared our opinions..but i left him with a few thoughts that ultimately he seemed to agree with... We have to love ourselves... our skin tone..our full lips, our thin lips..our kinky fro's, our red hair and freckles... whatever it is we've been given... Because we all... every last one of us reflect the beauty and splendor of God. God who created us all in his image, the image of BEAUTY...filled with variance.... NO man, woman, cat, or flying squirrel should ever fix their lips to call another ones God given skin tone...dark and ugly... i mean besides... where the H' has he been?? the product is called DARK AND LOVELY!!! OKAY?!?! haha!

siiigh......