About a year and a half ago.. I was MISERABLE. I mean... I was honestly miserable inside. I'd moved from Nashville,Tn to Orlando,Fl. after I just started to feel really rooted and settled in Tn.... and I was feeling a tad bit out of my element. I had AMAZING friends there in Orlando... a few of whom i'd been friends with for YEARS...and any time we were together I'd have the time of my life.... my misery however, would find me once I was alone...
I was completely unhappy with many..many things... Years before moving to Orlando, I'd moved to Nashville with a management contract, and eventually a record deal. I left Nashville with NO record... and NO management... I felt like a failure... I felt as if there were soooo many people who'd had high hopes, and big faith that I'd be a star one day....and I'd become anything BUT a star. I'd also gained soooo much weight. All of my life as a child and really even thru college... I was naturally thin... In college I noticed that i was bigger than most of the other girls I traveled with... I sang in a group that traveled EVERY weekend.. almost ALL YEAR long... singing at churches, arenas, hotel ballrooms, schools..and even parades...recruiting students to our school. When I was in highschool... my close group of friends didn't stand around in the mirror...looking at our bodies, and cursing our every flaw. In college however... it was "FUN" for many of us girls to look in the mirror while getting dressed for a concert...and bash ourselves to oblivion...squeezing our tummies... snatching our faces back... and contorting ourselves in ALL kinds of ways... Still even though I was a little bit bigger than the other girls... I didn't just absolutely HATE myself....By time I reached Orlando.... I could not stand the sight of myself.
After years of hearing things like "You really COULD be a pretty girl if you just lost some weight"... and "your really DO have a pretty face..." I'd accepted that there was something about me that was just not quite good enough, as my own personal truth... and I allowed myself to just...stop caring.
Well... about a year before my 30th birthday...I looked in the mirror one morning and had a major break down... and i mean a MAJOR breakdown... For some reason, I looked at myself, and I mean REEEEALLY looked at myself for the first time in ages, and I could not believe what I saw..... I decided right then and there, that something had to change... SOMETHING... i wasn't exactly sure at that time what needed to change... but I knew that I couldn't stay in the same condition that I was in..
I racked my brain over and over about what I could do to put myself back on the path of self love and appreciation.. and finally one night while writing in my journal, I made a list of all of the things that I hated about myself... and I separated them based on the things that I could change, and the things that I was just born with, and would have to accept. Now...i KNOW that for some, my method may seem a little intense, but it was my way of coming to grips with myself... The interesting thing is that I also made a list of things that I enjoyed about myself. It was 50 times harder to do that..than to say what I couldn't stand... However thinking of the things that I liked about me, actually picked up my spirits a little bit...and kind of acted as the fuel that I'd need for the journey I was about to embark upon.
That night I decided that I was going to start trying to lose weight. My goal at that time, though small seemed nearly IMPOSSIBLE. I wanted to lose 30lbs. And so my journey began... I found a weight loss program that offered much support and guidance... and that was private enough for me. I had NO interest whatsoever in doing the whole group thing.... This journey was personal.
Well...I should wrap this story up, I'm starting to bore MYSELF. lol. Over the course of that year... I ended up losing about 80lbs... I felt INCREDIBLE. I never would have imagined in my wildest dreams that I could honestly do that. It by NO means was easy. There were months and months of tears, and stressin' out..early am. workouts.. late evening workouts... Eating things that were LAME compared to what I wanted to eat... It was the hardest most difficult thing I'd ever tried to face... But with the help of God...my friends all over the country supporting me...and just stubborn will on my part... I did it.
Well.... time went on.. and much happened that kind of took the wind right out of my confident little sails. My contract at Disney was not renewed...and so I moved AGAIN back to TN. leaving my friends in Orlando many of whom had become very dear to my heart. Once I got back to TN, though I was elated to be around my closest friends...and church family.. the reality of once again being an independent contract vocalist hit me square in the face.... I got sick and lost my voice for several weeks, due to the allergy issues that always greet me in Tn... I no longer had insurance and I had NO money to speak of...so it wasn't like I could run off to the Drs. office like I did when I was working for disney....and though I was working a little bit, doing some backround vocal sessions.... my checks didn't come the next week...in fact some of them didn't come the next MONTH...oooor the month before that.... In short... I started buggin' out... I couldn't be all hoity toity and selective about what I ate and when.... Many days I was just happy to have 5bucks in my pocket... and so immediately things began to change with me... The FINAL blow to my morale and psyche came when my dear friend Maurice passed away unexpectedly... THHHHUMP!! I hit bottom.... Heartbroken and emotionally drained before I knew what was happening.... I'd gained back 30 of the 80lbs I'd spent SOOO much time and money losing.
You'd think that I'd immediately snap out of my funk...and kick myself in the butt...and get going...working out and eating right and all that jazz...once i noticed my weight gain. I did just the opposite. I got depressed... and angry..and dissapointed...AGAIN I felt like I'd let myself down..and many who'd been watching what I was doing... and getting inspired to go on their own weightloss journey...
Well... after a few weeks of sadness it dawned on me that I had the power to get back to where I'd been... I knew the plan...I knew what it would take... and so VOILA... I'm back to BIDNESS!! lol...
I'm calling this leg of the journey PhaseII. I've also called it Operation Bringin' Sexy Back... well... I've called it many more things than that...but those are the only 2 that I can be SURE would not offend folks...lol
I'm hittin' things HARD as ever...working out... and eating right..and drinkin' more water than I care to. What I learned last time I embarked on this effort was that when YOU are ready to take control... YOU CAN! In other words...when everyone else and their mom, told me that I should work out..or that I had the potential to be beautiful..or HOT... it was like water rolling off a ducks back...because I wasn't into things for the right reason... I was trying to please everyone else. Trying to be good enough in THEIR eyes.... When the time came and I looked in the mirror and called myself by my full government name....and said "alrite girl... let's do this!" It was like magic.
I learned so much while on my way to healthy and happy... and I'm learning so much even now in this 2nd phase... But what I'd like to share with EVERYONE who's got a goal in front of them that is seemingly impossible... is that there is more strength and power and capability inside of you that you don't even know is there yet. Sometimes it takes stepping outside of your comfort zone...to find these hidden treasures inside of you... Just know that there is NOTHING you can't accomplish when YOU believe in yourself... and allow God to strengthen you when you feel the most weak.... sooooo GET UP AND GO FOR IT!!!
love you all!!
L'quatious Gabby Yapsalot
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