WOW... what an eventful year I've had this year. As it comes to a close my mind swims with wonder about what's ahead for me in the year ahead, AND recalls the moments that stick out from this year at present.
2011 was a year of great change and challenge for me. It began with me still living and working in Orlando, but knowing that in just a few months I'd be leaving my job, the city that I'd called home for nearly 3yrs, and returning back to Nashville, the city I'd previously called home for nearly 8. As the time approached for me to return to Nashville, a myriad of emotions welled up in my heart, at any given moment. I knew that I'd miss desperately the friends I had in Orlando, but I was excited to reconnect on a more consistent basis with the friends that I'd left when I moved to Florida in the first place. I was also nervous. Being gone from Nashville for so long meant that I'd return to a scene that had changed quite a bit. It also meant that I was going to have to start over in a sense... but that fact somewhat excited me. Nothing was concrete in my professional life... or really in any other way... so the fact that I'd get a chance to start over again was somewhat refreshing...albeit scary. The ONE thing that was solid, was that I was going to get a chance to start singing with Wynonna Judd again. It would be a few months after my re-relocation back to Nashville, before I'd have enough dates with The Judds that my finances wouldn't be an issue... BUT living in Nashville previously, taught me how to survive in between checks...and though it would be a slow beginning... I felt confident that the end result would be worth it. Lucrative even.
My friend Maurice Carter, who also sang with The Judds, had contacted me in 2010 and RElit the flame in my heart to record my own album, and promised to help me in every way that he could. I'd flown to Nashville a few times and had a few writing sessions with him, and I was very excited to get some recording done in 2011. When I first moved to Nashville in 2003 I had both management and recording contracts. 7 nearly 8 years later I'd still not recorded, and even though I didn't really notice while it was happening... I'd begun to give up on that dream. Maurice spoke life into my spirit... I was writing songs again with ease, and creating music almost nonstop... I GREATLY looked forward to getting that process of recording and creating, underway.
My move back to Nashville was in March, towards the end of March...almost April... It was a VERY difficult start.. But little by little, thanks to Maurice bringing me in on all of the session work that he could, and me contacting my other session singin' friends... I began to get more and more session work. So... I kept my eyes on the prize...even if I fussed and cussed a lot on the way. The Judds had several dates intermittently.... hopping on the tour bus with my good friend Maurice and the band was a BLAST!!! Maurice and I sang at the Pittsburgh Symphony with Wynonna, and even got to meet Marvin Hamlisch... a musical legend. Wynonna was late for sound check that event, so IIIII got to be her during sound check...which meant that I had to sing in front of all of those AMAZINGLY talented musicians, and Mr. Hamlisch himself. My stomach was in KNOTS... but I sang on.... And at the end of it all..Maurice and I took a picture with him, and he called us phenomenal.... It meant the WORLD to hear that from him.
A few months later, in June, randomly...my friend Mo' left this earth. The sting of his death is STILL to much for my heart to take at times. He was like a big brother to me, a RIDICULOUSLY precious friend, and a mentor in the Faith. No one who knew him will ever forget him. No one to whom he gave his time and attention to will ever be alright with leaving their life at status-quo. It was JOY to know him, and too much of a loss to explain, to lose him.
Maurice's passing got to Wynonna so...that without any notice, she "fired" me. And so... because I didn't have the funds that I needed to live as I was, I moved into my friend Julie's house. She and her family were going on a year long road trip, and allowed me to rent the house from them while they were away, for nearly free.... and SO, in the middle of heartbreak and loss, LOVE shone through my life. I saw the hand of God provide for me, like he ALWAYS has... but this time he did it in a way I never would have imagined.
In October I came back to Orlando for a seasonal contract at Disney, and tonight will be my last night working there for the holiday season.... 2011 is fast approaching and there are MANY unknowns about what lies ahead for me. But I hold fast to the remembrance of how God has taken care of me in years past... and in this last year. So, I will continue to walk on this path that God has set me on, and when the day suddenly turns to night...I will continue walking... Step by step... clinging to the hand of God... and allowing him to guide me. I don't know much... but I know that he's got great plans for me. Jer.29:11 told me so.
Happy New Year friends!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Love Hard or Die Trying
I'm coming into the realization that loving people is hard...HARD grueling work. It's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday that loving ME...is even MORE difficult. Like most people, I'm replete with intricacies and little bends in my personality that keep who ever has stepped up to the challenge of loving me, for who I am, on their toes, and almost always a little flustered. It's not something that I am particularly proud of.... but it's something that I am coming to understand.
A couple years ago, after a series of unfufilling relationships, and much heart ache from within, I decided to take a break from dating. I was VERY frustrated with my knack for putting myself into situations with guys...that in the long run... just didn't work out. I decided that there was one constant variable in ALL of the romance situations that had run their course and eventually fizzled out. ME. I'm on of the those people whose brain is CONSTANTLY churning. In many ways it's a good thing... I'm a thinker, and though I have been known to be spontaneous... at other times I'm guilty of over thinking a thing... and many times, siking myself out of what COULD have been a wonderful experience...in efforts to keep myself from disappointment. To that regard, after relationship FAIL, after miserable,heart wrenching FAIL.. I said to myself, what I've found myself saying to friends who'd come to me for relationship guidance (AS IF IIIII had anything valuable to say...lol), "It's not ALWAYS the other person!!!" Meaning... Sometimes you've got to look at situations and take responsibility for what YOU bring to situations... YES such and so WAS a complete "douche"... YES he never valued you as a person, YES, YOU gave to the relationship more than he did most of the time...BUT.... EVERYTHING cant be blamed on the other person, whilst you sit back and mourn the loss of another love that's ended. In order to get to the bottom of a matter you've got to look at ALL of the factors involved....which means... you have to take some inventory of yourself...ask God to show you your weaknesses.... and give you the courage to face your fears...and try to make some positive changes, from the INSIDE out.
I've been dating someone for a year or so now... and as you know, sometimes it takes being in close relationship with someone, for you to see certain facts about yourself, both good and bad. In my case what I've discovered has been both enlightening and alarming.
I've mentioned before that I'm a "survivor" of sexual abuse as a child. I've also mentioned in another blog that I was adopted by my parents as a little girl. I THINK I may have also spoken about how fortunate I feel as an adult to have as many wonderful friends in my life as I do...because I had a very lonely childhood...and spent many days and nights crying out to God to send me friends who would love me for ME.... All of that is fine and dandy... I thank God for his faithfulness to me, my whole lifelong... and I don't take for granted his mercy in my life that kept me thru the hardest moments of my life, and has helped to sustain me in the days since. All of us bring our entire life story into all of our relationships... How we treat the ones that we love, folks we barely know, and even strangers...can be traced to the stories of our past, which have helped to shape the way we view the world around us, and the people that we share this world with.
In MY case, I've noticed over time, but especially recently as my relationship has gone longer and longer that though I pride myself in being an "open minded" individual, who makes friends easily... and etc... I've become bitter, and often times, expect the worse out of people. Particularly when it comes to dating. I've hidden behind the mask of my friendly nature, and fun loving ways and it's effected how much of myself I've given in love....and how I've expected to be treated.
A couple years ago I took on the task of self inventory... and I've been working hard at becoming the woman that I believe I was intended to be every day since. The main thing that has been on my mind lately is that it is HARD, HARD work loving people, really, honestly and truly loving them...not within the confines of my humanity, and what comes naturally to me. But loving people the way that Christ has commanded that I love them. Unconditionally. I don't have any new revelation on the matter.... just a resolve that I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to love correctly. My friends, my family, my man, my fellow man... I want to be an example of Christ's love. I want to be the type of person that when I'm dead and gone, and friends and family are left with nothing but the memory of our time here together on this earth, that for the rest of their lives they will be able to look at me as an example of someone who loved, and loved HARD... I want to be a woman that they will tell friends of theirs who never got to meet me, or tell their children about, for the way that I cared for those God had given to my care. I want to spend the rest of my life, loving, and LOVING HARD...or when I die...that I'll still be trying to get it right.
Merry Christmas friends. LOVE you... well.... at least I'm TRYING to. Lol.
A couple years ago, after a series of unfufilling relationships, and much heart ache from within, I decided to take a break from dating. I was VERY frustrated with my knack for putting myself into situations with guys...that in the long run... just didn't work out. I decided that there was one constant variable in ALL of the romance situations that had run their course and eventually fizzled out. ME. I'm on of the those people whose brain is CONSTANTLY churning. In many ways it's a good thing... I'm a thinker, and though I have been known to be spontaneous... at other times I'm guilty of over thinking a thing... and many times, siking myself out of what COULD have been a wonderful experience...in efforts to keep myself from disappointment. To that regard, after relationship FAIL, after miserable,heart wrenching FAIL.. I said to myself, what I've found myself saying to friends who'd come to me for relationship guidance (AS IF IIIII had anything valuable to say...lol), "It's not ALWAYS the other person!!!" Meaning... Sometimes you've got to look at situations and take responsibility for what YOU bring to situations... YES such and so WAS a complete "douche"... YES he never valued you as a person, YES, YOU gave to the relationship more than he did most of the time...BUT.... EVERYTHING cant be blamed on the other person, whilst you sit back and mourn the loss of another love that's ended. In order to get to the bottom of a matter you've got to look at ALL of the factors involved....which means... you have to take some inventory of yourself...ask God to show you your weaknesses.... and give you the courage to face your fears...and try to make some positive changes, from the INSIDE out.
I've been dating someone for a year or so now... and as you know, sometimes it takes being in close relationship with someone, for you to see certain facts about yourself, both good and bad. In my case what I've discovered has been both enlightening and alarming.
I've mentioned before that I'm a "survivor" of sexual abuse as a child. I've also mentioned in another blog that I was adopted by my parents as a little girl. I THINK I may have also spoken about how fortunate I feel as an adult to have as many wonderful friends in my life as I do...because I had a very lonely childhood...and spent many days and nights crying out to God to send me friends who would love me for ME.... All of that is fine and dandy... I thank God for his faithfulness to me, my whole lifelong... and I don't take for granted his mercy in my life that kept me thru the hardest moments of my life, and has helped to sustain me in the days since. All of us bring our entire life story into all of our relationships... How we treat the ones that we love, folks we barely know, and even strangers...can be traced to the stories of our past, which have helped to shape the way we view the world around us, and the people that we share this world with.
In MY case, I've noticed over time, but especially recently as my relationship has gone longer and longer that though I pride myself in being an "open minded" individual, who makes friends easily... and etc... I've become bitter, and often times, expect the worse out of people. Particularly when it comes to dating. I've hidden behind the mask of my friendly nature, and fun loving ways and it's effected how much of myself I've given in love....and how I've expected to be treated.
A couple years ago I took on the task of self inventory... and I've been working hard at becoming the woman that I believe I was intended to be every day since. The main thing that has been on my mind lately is that it is HARD, HARD work loving people, really, honestly and truly loving them...not within the confines of my humanity, and what comes naturally to me. But loving people the way that Christ has commanded that I love them. Unconditionally. I don't have any new revelation on the matter.... just a resolve that I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to love correctly. My friends, my family, my man, my fellow man... I want to be an example of Christ's love. I want to be the type of person that when I'm dead and gone, and friends and family are left with nothing but the memory of our time here together on this earth, that for the rest of their lives they will be able to look at me as an example of someone who loved, and loved HARD... I want to be a woman that they will tell friends of theirs who never got to meet me, or tell their children about, for the way that I cared for those God had given to my care. I want to spend the rest of my life, loving, and LOVING HARD...or when I die...that I'll still be trying to get it right.
Merry Christmas friends. LOVE you... well.... at least I'm TRYING to. Lol.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
So...Whats in a name...apparently..LOTS
SO... whether you've paid MUCH attention to all that's going on in the news or not, chances are that you've heard a little something about Coach Sandusky and the allegations of sexual molestation that have been brought against him.
Normally, I don't have much to say when it comes to chiming in on whatever major scandal has captured the attention of the nation for a moment. I lived in Orlando for 3yrs. During that time, the Casey Anthony trial was underway, and it seemed like every time I turned the TV on, there was something being said about Casey, her missing child, updates in the case being brought against Casey, and etc. Then I'd get on facebook, and it wasn't uncommon at all to see that friends had written little tidbits on their profile,about their feelings on the Casey Anthony debacle. Part of me thought to myself that it was a waste of time for folks to engage in such talk. I mean, unless you're related to the Anthony's, or are their neighbors..or something like that, WHO CARES what you have to say about the issue... Right?!
The other part of me knew that human interest stories are called that for a reason. They somehow strike us to our core, and cause us to wonder how WE'D handle a matter, where we in the same boat. Or our humanity is moved, because of the depravity of such a case, and we're forced to reconcile within ourselves, that though there is MUCH that is good about us feeble humans, there can also be very dark, evil, and vile parts to us... and that children can be murdered, women raped, and men murdered. We find out about a young girl who'd been kidnapped as a child and lived for 18yrs in captivity... and it's all that we can do to wrap our minds around the matter.
WELL.. I was at work last night, backstage at Disney getting ready for our 2nd show of the night when my cast mates and I saw on the news that Coach Sandusky had been sent home, wearing an electronic ankle bracelet... and given house arrest while he awaits his trial. Almost every jaw in the room dropped. Honestly it took everything in me NOT to reveal the true emotions that were welling up on the inside of me.
HOUSE ARREST??? Are you friggin' KIDDIN' me?! My thoughts went every where as I tried to rationalize why such a sentence be given to the Coach... Finally it dawned on me. "Fame". It is my personal opinion that the Coach's "name" and status... afforded him the luxury that the common man would not be.
Now...don't get me wrong. I'm a human rights BUFF... I believe in due process, that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, and that every one is indeed innocent until proven guilty. BUT... I also know that if a "normal" man, were awaiting trial for the same matter..... he'd be awaiting his trial in jail.
As a Christian my mind wrestles all of the time with the love of Christ... Thinking about Christ dying to reconcile us "NORMAL" heathens unto himself is hard to fully understand, but more and more I can start to somewhat understand it. AND I'm excited when I think about new converts... folks realizing that the Lord loves them, and yada yada yada...
However, when it comes to CHILD MOLESTER, or a murderer, or rapist... my mind reaches its limit...and I honestly have to WAR with myself...and remind myself that Christ died for them to, and that he has grace and mercy and understanding for them as well, and that HE would, that even they would see the error in their ways and come to his saving grace.... and THAT I'm learning to try to truly grasp..daily.
I want everyone to know and love, and be constantly changed by the Lord...as I have been. But it REAAAALLY pisses me off to no end, knowing that an alleged child abuser gets the chance to go home and chill. Its a matter of principle, what's good for the goose should be good for the gander... I mean EQUALITY should be constant right?? If the "poor nobody" has to go to jail to await trial, shouldn't the rich, famous Coach?? Why should there be any difference? I KNOW that I'm not Nancy Grace, and that I don't have ALL of the facts, but we see this issue of all the time with celebrities... The Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons... can be publicly drunk, wreck cars while being intoxicated on all SORTS of illegal substances, NOT show up for the court dates, and STILL be given the lightest sentence ever...along with chance after chance.... If given 40 days of community service, they can show up ONE DAY for half an hour.... and it be said that they've "really learned their lesson".... it BOTHERS ME!
Coach Sandusky's case hit too closely to home for me. My family once had to endure a trial against a Child Molester. Mine. I was scared beyond my wits, even though I knew that my abuser was in jail before,during, and AFTER the trial. I can't imagine what the victims in this case, though they're mostly adults, are feeling at this moment. The law is supposed to protect us all, no matter what side of the card we find ourselves on. Victim,Defense, or Prosecution....
Like I said before, Coach Sandusky hasn't been found guilty of any crime... but while things are being sorted out, it's MY opinion, that he be treated like the common man.
Normally, I don't have much to say when it comes to chiming in on whatever major scandal has captured the attention of the nation for a moment. I lived in Orlando for 3yrs. During that time, the Casey Anthony trial was underway, and it seemed like every time I turned the TV on, there was something being said about Casey, her missing child, updates in the case being brought against Casey, and etc. Then I'd get on facebook, and it wasn't uncommon at all to see that friends had written little tidbits on their profile,about their feelings on the Casey Anthony debacle. Part of me thought to myself that it was a waste of time for folks to engage in such talk. I mean, unless you're related to the Anthony's, or are their neighbors..or something like that, WHO CARES what you have to say about the issue... Right?!
The other part of me knew that human interest stories are called that for a reason. They somehow strike us to our core, and cause us to wonder how WE'D handle a matter, where we in the same boat. Or our humanity is moved, because of the depravity of such a case, and we're forced to reconcile within ourselves, that though there is MUCH that is good about us feeble humans, there can also be very dark, evil, and vile parts to us... and that children can be murdered, women raped, and men murdered. We find out about a young girl who'd been kidnapped as a child and lived for 18yrs in captivity... and it's all that we can do to wrap our minds around the matter.
WELL.. I was at work last night, backstage at Disney getting ready for our 2nd show of the night when my cast mates and I saw on the news that Coach Sandusky had been sent home, wearing an electronic ankle bracelet... and given house arrest while he awaits his trial. Almost every jaw in the room dropped. Honestly it took everything in me NOT to reveal the true emotions that were welling up on the inside of me.
HOUSE ARREST??? Are you friggin' KIDDIN' me?! My thoughts went every where as I tried to rationalize why such a sentence be given to the Coach... Finally it dawned on me. "Fame". It is my personal opinion that the Coach's "name" and status... afforded him the luxury that the common man would not be.
Now...don't get me wrong. I'm a human rights BUFF... I believe in due process, that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, and that every one is indeed innocent until proven guilty. BUT... I also know that if a "normal" man, were awaiting trial for the same matter..... he'd be awaiting his trial in jail.
As a Christian my mind wrestles all of the time with the love of Christ... Thinking about Christ dying to reconcile us "NORMAL" heathens unto himself is hard to fully understand, but more and more I can start to somewhat understand it. AND I'm excited when I think about new converts... folks realizing that the Lord loves them, and yada yada yada...
However, when it comes to CHILD MOLESTER, or a murderer, or rapist... my mind reaches its limit...and I honestly have to WAR with myself...and remind myself that Christ died for them to, and that he has grace and mercy and understanding for them as well, and that HE would, that even they would see the error in their ways and come to his saving grace.... and THAT I'm learning to try to truly grasp..daily.
I want everyone to know and love, and be constantly changed by the Lord...as I have been. But it REAAAALLY pisses me off to no end, knowing that an alleged child abuser gets the chance to go home and chill. Its a matter of principle, what's good for the goose should be good for the gander... I mean EQUALITY should be constant right?? If the "poor nobody" has to go to jail to await trial, shouldn't the rich, famous Coach?? Why should there be any difference? I KNOW that I'm not Nancy Grace, and that I don't have ALL of the facts, but we see this issue of all the time with celebrities... The Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons... can be publicly drunk, wreck cars while being intoxicated on all SORTS of illegal substances, NOT show up for the court dates, and STILL be given the lightest sentence ever...along with chance after chance.... If given 40 days of community service, they can show up ONE DAY for half an hour.... and it be said that they've "really learned their lesson".... it BOTHERS ME!
Coach Sandusky's case hit too closely to home for me. My family once had to endure a trial against a Child Molester. Mine. I was scared beyond my wits, even though I knew that my abuser was in jail before,during, and AFTER the trial. I can't imagine what the victims in this case, though they're mostly adults, are feeling at this moment. The law is supposed to protect us all, no matter what side of the card we find ourselves on. Victim,Defense, or Prosecution....
Like I said before, Coach Sandusky hasn't been found guilty of any crime... but while things are being sorted out, it's MY opinion, that he be treated like the common man.
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