I should have KNOWN this day would come. I've had health nut after health nut, friend, family member, and stranger telling me for the LONGEST time about the WONDER and MAJESTY of juicing....or being on a raw food diet, or vegan. To be honest, I never had to worry much about my weight as a child. As a matter of fact, I was a SKINNY..skinny lil' thing... TOO skinny in my opinion... All of the boys at school liked the girls with curves...YOU know.. thick legs, and BIG OL BOOTY... I looked something like a capital P... very..VERY uh... Blessed up top, but.. CURS(ed) in the Cushion... and that was just something I learned to live with as an adolescent youth...
I wasn't too far into my teenage years when my family and I learned that I had some reproductive/girlie drama...Fibroids to be exact.. At the the time..as with now, the Drs suggested being on birth control to try to keep the fibroids from growing or further producing... Coming from the SHEEE KAH MO SHAAANDAH Apostolic background I'd come from...it still tickles me, when I think about the conversation that my mom and I had about her reservations with me being on Birth Control at such a young age....However, surgery was the other option, and that could jepordize my chances of having children naturally when I got older, so we rolled with it...
By the time I was a senior in high school, though still "skinny" I'd thickened up a little bit. And by the time I began my freshman year in college, I experienced my first MAJOR heartbreak, when my then boyfriend... WHO by they way, had gotten my name and our favorite scripture tatooed on his chest (on the rib... because he wanted to let me know that... he'd found his rib....Uh..MAYBE he was thinkin' bout the kind ya bbq) broke up with me, randomly... He later cited that I had put on some weight...and that he wasn't AS attracted to me anymore... he INSISTED (lied) and said that he hadn't cheated on me YET, but because of my size... he was afraid that he would..... I was a size 8-10 at the time....
SOOOO the years went on, GREAT things happened, TERRIBLE things happened, And just a few years ago, I looked up, and I nearly weighed 300 lbs.... I, SICKENED with myself, and determined to change the things about myself that I had control over...went on a SERIOUS health kick, worked out nearly every day, changed the way I ate...and lost 80-90lbs in a year and a half....
MORE time went on and MORE great and terrible things happened, and I FOUND almost ALL of what I'd worked SOOOO hard to lose. Also as time went on I'd become more and more dependent on prescription drugs to be a quick fix, to "CURE what AILED me"... At one time I was probably on 8-10 different medications.... I had meds for my insomnia, blood pressure, migraines, CRAMPS, anxiety...you NAME it...
Its time for me to wrap this story up- Last week, I found myself in the hospital... one of the craziest, most scary moments in my lilfe... the reason.. THREE of the 4 medicines I was taking, prescribed by my doctor... caused my body, mind, and everything in betwixt to go BONKERS... The result, after being poked, prodded, scanned, stuck, "SQUOZE", and EKG'D... was the suggestion by the holistic dr I'd recently been seeing to go on a 21 day juicing cleanse and detox... to "re-set" my body, and to begin to deal with things from a more "natural" stand point....
Though a bit skiddish of the full idea of what it was going to mean to JUICE everything I ate... I remembered how hard I worked when I was ready to get my body healthy and lose weight years ago and I decided that I had NO other choice... I felt like crap, In MY mind, I LOOKED like crap, and my body was telling me that their was a whole lot of CRAP going on, within that needed to be dealt with... And SO... I'm all in... AND I pretty much HATE...EVERYONE!!! It's WILD how all of this is going. I was warned that the first few days of the process would be the WORST.. I'd feel sick, and tired, and have head aches and wanna run people over while driving... But that didn't sound TOO terribly different from how I NORMALLY felt.....
HONEY...let me tell you!!! It is only day THREE.... and today I woke up feeling so tired, and miserable that it took EVERYTHING IN ME, to get up and go to work..... UNFORTUNATELY having been in the hospital and having FEET&LEGS too HUGE to fit any of my normal clothes and shoes...I was unable to work... and MAMA ain't got no SICK days on the job yet so... in MY case the old addage "a closed mouth don't get fed" is the TRUTH... Losing over a weeks pay is dern near devastating for me... and really for MOST of us, so Despite the fact that I had chills,and literally felt like death warmed over.... I Schleppt into work.... And i'm glad I did...
I LOVE my job, and I LOVE the music that we get to create daily, and so even though in between our 7 sets I felt like I'd been hit by a 18-wheeler.. AND the fact that one of my fellow cast members brought in a yummy smelling pastry for the group to share, that I had to pass on for my....YARD SMOOTHIE CONCOCTION.... Going to work took my mind of my lack of mastication misery.
I've been told that SOON i'll have SOOOO much energy and feel SOOO incredible.... those of you who know me well, can just about imagine my response to all that "gleeful....glibbery"... All I know is that I have things to do... Hospitilization because of possible mini strokes, or heart failure, is NOT on the list of what I've got and WANT to do... However, living IN and FOR my divine purpose IS... and SO... Here we go!!
Operation NO Mastication has begun... and I can not WAIT until it's OVER!! LOL
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Friday, July 6, 2012
The Clark Sisters said it best. "the darkest hour's just before the day"
That amazing song goes on to say "dont you be discouraged don't you be dismayed".... Ah, THAT. Its SOOOO much easier to sing about "weeping enduring for the night, and JOOOOOOOOOY *pentecostal preacher grunt implied*,coming in the morning. But what happens when your night feels like a polar night season in Alaska where it's just flat out dark outside, looking like midnite, all day every day?? STILL much easier to sing ourselves happy in our cars, or in our homes while getting dressed for the day. We'll bop our head along to music with such encouraging matters... but when that breaking point hits, and you realize that you've had JUST about all the "dark" season as you're gonna be able to take, what then??
I've never had the honor of giving birth to a child. I feel like i've got about 15 kids, the way my heart attaches itself to the children of the friends that I know and love. Im the proud aunt of 4girls and the GMama (God mother) of one precious boy named Jackson, whom i never see enough...or keep in touch with....I'm a pretty sucky friend and aunt, now that I THINK about it...hahaha.... But I digress. I've been present at several of the births of my friends kids....It's a HARD, HARSH, process....but all of these FOOL mother friends of mine keep turning around and having MORE children...KNOWING the pain that they'll have to endure, because in the end, it's WORTH it. The pain, the crying, the anger...the swelling, the HATE of God and man that comes,fleetingly throughout the pregnancy....All worth it... and sooner or later.. They're wondering when they should have the next BUTT NUGGET... er uh... BABY.. because they know that the temporary discomfort... though at the time seems like it may DESTROY them utterly... is worth it all...
Like I mentioned a moment ago, I've not yet given birth to any children. BUT, the other day, I had a "lady procedure" done, that made me FEEL as if I knew first hand the pain that my friends who HAVE had children have endured. I had a Hisceroscopy.... meaning, they lodged at 987ft (slight exxageration) telescopic camera thru my URETHRA...and I DONT mean Franklin.... in order to better view whats goin' on "up in there"... they also did a Pap&Grab... meaning basically they snatched stuff out to biopsy it, and they didnt numb me or even warn me about the pain that was set before me....
Listen folks... I have one SERIOUSLY high pain tolerance...when i tell you it looked like I was Emily Rose, mid excorcism...i was Buckin' and squirming, and crying, and DEMANDING that they stop just for a moment, so that I could breathe. They of COURSE did not HEED MY FAINTEST, OR LOUDEST CRY...and continued like I WASNT crying, and begging for mercy.... OH, the BEST PART... they had a wee lil' asian BOY student in there, peepin' my lady garden, like he wanted to check out the landscaping for HIS OWN home one day!!! I WAS LIVID...and I was in so much shock and pain, that all i could do was cry for a while once they left the room.
The procedure and the pain, neccessary....but my GOD how it hurt.... the only thing I could liken it to, when trying to describe it, was like the worst contraction pain EVER... where there's NOTHING you can do to make it easier on yourself, you just have to sit, stand, stop....endure, and keep on pushing for the prize that's ahead.
Recently, I've been feeling like there are some REALLY wonderful things ahead for me, that are going to require alot of work, and dedication but I feel in my heart and spirit that I'm being propelled into my destiny. Its also been an incredibly hard time for me for a LONG,LONG time now.... I've been in labor, a LONG time. But I believe in my heart what the word of God says in Hebrews 8:18(kjv), "for I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
YES in HEAVEN all of that we went through on Earth that we don't understand, will all make sense... I get it from a heavenly perspective, but I'm talking about right here on Earth.... Sometimes, just before you step into your season of "victory" it can feel like life is running you ragged...
Dont quit pushing... like Journey said "DONT STOP BELIEVIN'"... you may NOT wanna hold on to that feelin'...cuuuuuuz it hurts... just keep in mind what you're "fighting" for... Life all around you may be falling to pot....But God is VERY aware of you, he KNOWS your heart, he KNOWS your purpose...waaaay more than you think YOU do... Stay in the fight!!! It's GUNNA be worth it all!! ALL, ya hear me?!?!
ALL.
I love you! God Bless!!
I've never had the honor of giving birth to a child. I feel like i've got about 15 kids, the way my heart attaches itself to the children of the friends that I know and love. Im the proud aunt of 4girls and the GMama (God mother) of one precious boy named Jackson, whom i never see enough...or keep in touch with....I'm a pretty sucky friend and aunt, now that I THINK about it...hahaha.... But I digress. I've been present at several of the births of my friends kids....It's a HARD, HARSH, process....but all of these FOOL mother friends of mine keep turning around and having MORE children...KNOWING the pain that they'll have to endure, because in the end, it's WORTH it. The pain, the crying, the anger...the swelling, the HATE of God and man that comes,fleetingly throughout the pregnancy....All worth it... and sooner or later.. They're wondering when they should have the next BUTT NUGGET... er uh... BABY.. because they know that the temporary discomfort... though at the time seems like it may DESTROY them utterly... is worth it all...
Like I mentioned a moment ago, I've not yet given birth to any children. BUT, the other day, I had a "lady procedure" done, that made me FEEL as if I knew first hand the pain that my friends who HAVE had children have endured. I had a Hisceroscopy.... meaning, they lodged at 987ft (slight exxageration) telescopic camera thru my URETHRA...and I DONT mean Franklin.... in order to better view whats goin' on "up in there"... they also did a Pap&Grab... meaning basically they snatched stuff out to biopsy it, and they didnt numb me or even warn me about the pain that was set before me....
Listen folks... I have one SERIOUSLY high pain tolerance...when i tell you it looked like I was Emily Rose, mid excorcism...i was Buckin' and squirming, and crying, and DEMANDING that they stop just for a moment, so that I could breathe. They of COURSE did not HEED MY FAINTEST, OR LOUDEST CRY...and continued like I WASNT crying, and begging for mercy.... OH, the BEST PART... they had a wee lil' asian BOY student in there, peepin' my lady garden, like he wanted to check out the landscaping for HIS OWN home one day!!! I WAS LIVID...and I was in so much shock and pain, that all i could do was cry for a while once they left the room.
The procedure and the pain, neccessary....but my GOD how it hurt.... the only thing I could liken it to, when trying to describe it, was like the worst contraction pain EVER... where there's NOTHING you can do to make it easier on yourself, you just have to sit, stand, stop....endure, and keep on pushing for the prize that's ahead.
Recently, I've been feeling like there are some REALLY wonderful things ahead for me, that are going to require alot of work, and dedication but I feel in my heart and spirit that I'm being propelled into my destiny. Its also been an incredibly hard time for me for a LONG,LONG time now.... I've been in labor, a LONG time. But I believe in my heart what the word of God says in Hebrews 8:18(kjv), "for I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
YES in HEAVEN all of that we went through on Earth that we don't understand, will all make sense... I get it from a heavenly perspective, but I'm talking about right here on Earth.... Sometimes, just before you step into your season of "victory" it can feel like life is running you ragged...
Dont quit pushing... like Journey said "DONT STOP BELIEVIN'"... you may NOT wanna hold on to that feelin'...cuuuuuuz it hurts... just keep in mind what you're "fighting" for... Life all around you may be falling to pot....But God is VERY aware of you, he KNOWS your heart, he KNOWS your purpose...waaaay more than you think YOU do... Stay in the fight!!! It's GUNNA be worth it all!! ALL, ya hear me?!?!
ALL.
I love you! God Bless!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
A tribute to my mommy
Today was Mother's Day. I'm sure that's no major announcement to MOST of you, but just in case you were too busy going about life, and the date snuck up on ya....consider this a personal Public Service Announcement from me to you..
I've known for quite some time now that I wanted to write a blog in honor of my mom, Yasmin Brown. Now that I'm actually doing so, it seems as though I've developed a bit of "writer's block". Not because I'm lacking words to say...but because there's so MUCH that I want to say.
My mom, is the TRUTH!! If I were speaking in a more relaxed, "urban" jargon, I'd say that she was the STRAIGHT UP truth!! Meaning, she's the real deal. Most of you know that my family is not a "traditional" one, by any sense of the word. Anymore families like mine aren't uncommon... But back when my parents began to assemble our family; families like ours were a little more rare. My parents adopted myself, my 2 younger brothers, and then added my lovely sister as their foster child when I was about 15. I knew from a very early age, that it took WAY more than having a child "naturally", or biologically to be a parent. My parents were always upfront and honest with all of us about the fact that we'd been adopted by them when we were small babies. It's something that I've always been grateful for. But what I'm grateful for the MOST are the lessons I've learned from my mom, when she wasn't neccessarily going out of her way to teach me anything in particular.
I learned that a mother, a REAL mother will protect her family at all costs. I learned that a REAL mother would think NOTHING about striking to kill someone who hurt her children. I learned that a REAL mother will do her best to give advice and wisdom to her children,and that even when it seems hopeless to continue to believe that there is any good whatsoever in her children, she will. I learned that a REAL mother has a heart as big as Texas,and even when it's been broken by the foolish behavior of her child, she always has more love to give. I learned that it's ok, to be confident in who you are as a person, and in the giftings given to you by God. Not only is it ok, it's important. However, it's also imperative that you keep the Lord the central figure of your life, in ALL that you do.
I've learned that a REAL mother will sacrifice of herself, all of her live long days to provide for her family. She'll cry with you, she'll cry FOR you, and most likely at some point, she'll cry BECAUSE of you. I learned from my mother that having big dreams, and big goals is a wonderful thing. I also learned that having the biggest goals and dreams in the world mean NOTHING, if you're not willing to put some blood, sweat and tears behind them, to bring them to fruition. A REAL mother will defend her child against anyone who for whatever reason, can't see her children through the same eyes of love that she does. A REAL mother will put her own hopes and aspirations on hold, in order to build up the hopes and aspirations of her kids.
When you can only see the WORST in you, she sees the best, and she reminds you of who you really are, when you can't seem to remember. My mother taught me to NEVER quit. Even when you have good reason to. I watched my mom work harder than anyone else,stay longer than anyone else, and put more of herself into her work than anyone else, because whatever she did, needed to be done in excellence. My mother is an academically brilliant woman. She attended both an HBCU and an Ivy league university. But whenever I had difficulty in learning something that may have come easy for her.... she didn't rest until she found away to get the knowlege to me in a way that I could understand.EVEN if that met hiring a BILLION tutors, or writing and performing a rap song to teach me math. (Oh, and when I say perform...lol you aint' seen NOTHING til' you see my mom rappin' ala "rappers delight" to teach me the formula E=MCsquared) A REAL mom can be a little "obnoxious" sometimes with the pride she has in her children,but she doesn't care. Lastly a REAL mom, can look at a child that's been given away, and given the title "orphan"; take that child as her own, and give it the title "loved&chosen".
My mom and I have been the best of friends at times, and we've gotten on each other's nerves SO badly, we thought we'd kill each other. Matter of fact, it amazes me sometimes that I've made it into my 30's. I gave that poor woman such a hard time in my younger days, Lawd.... Sometimes,because of my own insecurities I worry that I've not done enough to show her how much I love her, and that I've not made her proud enough with what I've accomplished in life so far. But because MY mom is such a good mom.... the moment that I begin to doubt myself, when I'm at my lowest moments and all I can seem to hear in my head are voices from my past seeking to remind me of where I come from, and where I've been. I IMMEDIATELY hear an even LOUDER, stronger, resounding voice, reminding me that I'm loved, I am chosen, and that where ever I go, she will ALWAYS be right by my side. It's the voice of my mother... my REAL mother, Yasmin Roberts Brown, and THAT makes everything alright.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, and Happy Mother's Day to ALL of you who have loved, nurtured, and cared for a child. The world is a better place because of women like you!!
I've known for quite some time now that I wanted to write a blog in honor of my mom, Yasmin Brown. Now that I'm actually doing so, it seems as though I've developed a bit of "writer's block". Not because I'm lacking words to say...but because there's so MUCH that I want to say.
My mom, is the TRUTH!! If I were speaking in a more relaxed, "urban" jargon, I'd say that she was the STRAIGHT UP truth!! Meaning, she's the real deal. Most of you know that my family is not a "traditional" one, by any sense of the word. Anymore families like mine aren't uncommon... But back when my parents began to assemble our family; families like ours were a little more rare. My parents adopted myself, my 2 younger brothers, and then added my lovely sister as their foster child when I was about 15. I knew from a very early age, that it took WAY more than having a child "naturally", or biologically to be a parent. My parents were always upfront and honest with all of us about the fact that we'd been adopted by them when we were small babies. It's something that I've always been grateful for. But what I'm grateful for the MOST are the lessons I've learned from my mom, when she wasn't neccessarily going out of her way to teach me anything in particular.
I learned that a mother, a REAL mother will protect her family at all costs. I learned that a REAL mother would think NOTHING about striking to kill someone who hurt her children. I learned that a REAL mother will do her best to give advice and wisdom to her children,and that even when it seems hopeless to continue to believe that there is any good whatsoever in her children, she will. I learned that a REAL mother has a heart as big as Texas,and even when it's been broken by the foolish behavior of her child, she always has more love to give. I learned that it's ok, to be confident in who you are as a person, and in the giftings given to you by God. Not only is it ok, it's important. However, it's also imperative that you keep the Lord the central figure of your life, in ALL that you do.
I've learned that a REAL mother will sacrifice of herself, all of her live long days to provide for her family. She'll cry with you, she'll cry FOR you, and most likely at some point, she'll cry BECAUSE of you. I learned from my mother that having big dreams, and big goals is a wonderful thing. I also learned that having the biggest goals and dreams in the world mean NOTHING, if you're not willing to put some blood, sweat and tears behind them, to bring them to fruition. A REAL mother will defend her child against anyone who for whatever reason, can't see her children through the same eyes of love that she does. A REAL mother will put her own hopes and aspirations on hold, in order to build up the hopes and aspirations of her kids.
When you can only see the WORST in you, she sees the best, and she reminds you of who you really are, when you can't seem to remember. My mother taught me to NEVER quit. Even when you have good reason to. I watched my mom work harder than anyone else,stay longer than anyone else, and put more of herself into her work than anyone else, because whatever she did, needed to be done in excellence. My mother is an academically brilliant woman. She attended both an HBCU and an Ivy league university. But whenever I had difficulty in learning something that may have come easy for her.... she didn't rest until she found away to get the knowlege to me in a way that I could understand.EVEN if that met hiring a BILLION tutors, or writing and performing a rap song to teach me math. (Oh, and when I say perform...lol you aint' seen NOTHING til' you see my mom rappin' ala "rappers delight" to teach me the formula E=MCsquared) A REAL mom can be a little "obnoxious" sometimes with the pride she has in her children,but she doesn't care. Lastly a REAL mom, can look at a child that's been given away, and given the title "orphan"; take that child as her own, and give it the title "loved&chosen".
My mom and I have been the best of friends at times, and we've gotten on each other's nerves SO badly, we thought we'd kill each other. Matter of fact, it amazes me sometimes that I've made it into my 30's. I gave that poor woman such a hard time in my younger days, Lawd.... Sometimes,because of my own insecurities I worry that I've not done enough to show her how much I love her, and that I've not made her proud enough with what I've accomplished in life so far. But because MY mom is such a good mom.... the moment that I begin to doubt myself, when I'm at my lowest moments and all I can seem to hear in my head are voices from my past seeking to remind me of where I come from, and where I've been. I IMMEDIATELY hear an even LOUDER, stronger, resounding voice, reminding me that I'm loved, I am chosen, and that where ever I go, she will ALWAYS be right by my side. It's the voice of my mother... my REAL mother, Yasmin Roberts Brown, and THAT makes everything alright.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, and Happy Mother's Day to ALL of you who have loved, nurtured, and cared for a child. The world is a better place because of women like you!!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
it's already been said before but, "F-YOU!!" (thoughts on forgiveness)
I've a nice person. More or less. I get a long with people fairly easily. MOST folks like me, right off the bat... I like most folks...actually I'm lying. I DON'T like most folks... but I don't dislike them, it's just that I'm not easily trusting of people. I've been burnt, one time too many BILLION for that, and so I've sort of developed away that allows me to "enjoy" people, while, not REALLY having to LIKE them all that much... Understand?? I'm not being fake, I'm interested in their stories, I like laughing with them. We can eat together, make jokes, talk about God and philosophy, but at the end of the day, I dont expect much GOOD from them. Why? Because, I got hurt that way. Not just one time. Not just a few times, MANY times.... and hurt deeply....
So...I've been content to go on with my life as I've created it.... With most folks who meet me, thinking i'm a free spirit of sorts...loving to all she meets, with a heart as big as Texas.... Well... I AM a bit of a free spirit. But in many ways I'm an old school, holiness or hell, bible thumping, apostolic,traditionalist. I DO love people.... But I've almost ALWAYS got my guard up, and for the longest time, I felt entitled to my decision to protect myself. However, God has been pestering me, quite a bit lately about forgiveness. You see, I'm a bit of a grudge holder. I've known and disliked this about myself for sometime now. I'll let a person walk all over me for EVER...but when the time comes that i'm finished with it all.... I can't just let it go, release them to God, brush the dust off my feet and keep it moving..... I try to. Many times I've convinced myself that I have.... But then YEARS later, something will happen and i'll realize that I'm still holding a grudge against someone, for something they may or may not have apologized for already.
I've heard for years and years that the choice to forgive is one that has to be made by you DAILY.... For one reason or another God allowed me to see in FULL,CLEAR, SHINING GLORY the other day that I was still resentful at someone who had hurt me deeply years, and I mean YEARS ago. Wanna know how I knew I was still "buggin'" a bit?? I was prompted in my spirit to pray for that person....
The moment that I went to, a war of sorts happened inside of me. My spirit wanted to obey, and see God's will done in their lives. My spirit wanted their soul to prosper and for the promises of God to be fulfilled in their life...but just as soon as I went to pray my mind wanted to recall how hurt I'd been by their actions. Immediately I was ashamed. I was ashamed because I was knew that I was in the very presence of God, and that he'd compelled me to do something, and my childish, immature, "flesh" nearly stopped me. I prayed. And I prayed hard, and I asked for forgiveness for MYSELF for being so silly, and childish, after all of the offenses I'd caused against God himself, and he'd forgiven me. And as I prayed for that person.....healing began to flood my spirit.... Healing that I've continued to feel in the days since.....
I've begun to think of others that I've been holding in the prison of my contempt, and I'm asking for the strength to release my pain, and all that has kept me in bondage for far too long,to God. I KNOW full well that what I'm asking for is no small task. I know that it's going to involve active participation at my part..... But it's time.... it's beyond time.... so, like the seemingly uncooth...(sp?) preacher whose video went viral on the world wide web said..... F-YOU... to all of those who've hurt me in the past... I'm honestly... gunna do my best to forgive you, FOREAL. Because heaven knows, I need real forgiveness for my trespasses....
That's all I've got for now! Light,love,liberty and Joy to you all!!
L'quatious
So...I've been content to go on with my life as I've created it.... With most folks who meet me, thinking i'm a free spirit of sorts...loving to all she meets, with a heart as big as Texas.... Well... I AM a bit of a free spirit. But in many ways I'm an old school, holiness or hell, bible thumping, apostolic,traditionalist. I DO love people.... But I've almost ALWAYS got my guard up, and for the longest time, I felt entitled to my decision to protect myself. However, God has been pestering me, quite a bit lately about forgiveness. You see, I'm a bit of a grudge holder. I've known and disliked this about myself for sometime now. I'll let a person walk all over me for EVER...but when the time comes that i'm finished with it all.... I can't just let it go, release them to God, brush the dust off my feet and keep it moving..... I try to. Many times I've convinced myself that I have.... But then YEARS later, something will happen and i'll realize that I'm still holding a grudge against someone, for something they may or may not have apologized for already.
I've heard for years and years that the choice to forgive is one that has to be made by you DAILY.... For one reason or another God allowed me to see in FULL,CLEAR, SHINING GLORY the other day that I was still resentful at someone who had hurt me deeply years, and I mean YEARS ago. Wanna know how I knew I was still "buggin'" a bit?? I was prompted in my spirit to pray for that person....
The moment that I went to, a war of sorts happened inside of me. My spirit wanted to obey, and see God's will done in their lives. My spirit wanted their soul to prosper and for the promises of God to be fulfilled in their life...but just as soon as I went to pray my mind wanted to recall how hurt I'd been by their actions. Immediately I was ashamed. I was ashamed because I was knew that I was in the very presence of God, and that he'd compelled me to do something, and my childish, immature, "flesh" nearly stopped me. I prayed. And I prayed hard, and I asked for forgiveness for MYSELF for being so silly, and childish, after all of the offenses I'd caused against God himself, and he'd forgiven me. And as I prayed for that person.....healing began to flood my spirit.... Healing that I've continued to feel in the days since.....
I've begun to think of others that I've been holding in the prison of my contempt, and I'm asking for the strength to release my pain, and all that has kept me in bondage for far too long,to God. I KNOW full well that what I'm asking for is no small task. I know that it's going to involve active participation at my part..... But it's time.... it's beyond time.... so, like the seemingly uncooth...(sp?) preacher whose video went viral on the world wide web said..... F-YOU... to all of those who've hurt me in the past... I'm honestly... gunna do my best to forgive you, FOREAL. Because heaven knows, I need real forgiveness for my trespasses....
That's all I've got for now! Light,love,liberty and Joy to you all!!
L'quatious
long...LONG time no post...
WELP... I'm back. That's all for now... I hope you've all enjoyed the past few months of blogatory... lol. Because I may never shut up again!!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Change,Change,CHANGE..THE most consistent part of my life
Its been while, a LONG while since the last time I blogged. SO much has happened since my last blog, in the world...and in my life personally...it's a bit mind boggling. Often times, when there's much going on in my mind and heart, I run immediately to my journal, or to my blog... or to SOME place where I can express to the best of my ability, all that is on my heart..... Other times.. it's as if something seals over my "expressor" and I'm unable...no matter how much I want to, say all that i wish i could. I'm VERY much in that same way now...
I want to try and push thru the emotional dam that's been forming in my mind over the past several months, and try to talk a bit about what's going on in my world.. Last time i wrote, I was coming to the end of my holiday contract at disney in orlando, and was getting ready to do a lot of moving around, before i returned to Nashville, for what I thought was for good.
A few days before I was set to leave Orlando...I almost wanna say that it was the day before I was supposed leave, my transition died in my car.. To the tune of $3,100 worth a damage,Died. SOOO.. plans were changed... And thru the benevolence of a friend, and using some flyer points I'd been saving up for a vacation trip one day...I was able to book a flight home to nashville... so that I could get back to life here. I'd missed a session that I was booked to sing on, because my transpo was jacked...but eventually, things got worked out. On the day that I was supposed to fly out...my sweet friend and sister who was giving me a ride to the airport... was unable to get home from running her errands in enough time for me to get to the airport...and SO I missed my flight home. By THIS point, ,my insides were a mess.... My stomach is SOOOO mean to me. ANYTIME i'm excited, or nervous, or too badly upset...my stomach goes bazzirk... and gives me...well... BUBBLE GUTS!!! haha...soooo, while trying to find another flight home and trying to get it together so that I dont make my friend who was taking me to the airport feel any worse than she already felt... I locked myself away in the restroom.... on the potty.
hahha... TMI i'm sure... but I want you to fully understand what was going on with me..... So, finally I find another flight at the BUTT crack of dawn the next day and everything concerning my travel, is settled. It was relief to have about how I'd get back to nashville.... but still there was a bit of a heaviness as I sat in my friends' home. She, my boyrfriend (at the time) and myself. ALL of us were stressing out because of all of the things going on in our lives... my boyfriends' car had broken down weeks before mine did, I was his transportation, until mine gave the ghost as well... then we were able to stay with my dear friends, that i've known since college.... But nothing was going on, in an ideal way. While I was very happy to have figured out how I'd get back to nashville, i was still very heavy hearted. I'd be leaving my boyfriend, and not knowing exactly I'd see him again..... I had no car, so I was very worried about what life would look like when I got home. My dear freinds, who'd allowed me to rent their home for months before, were originally set to be gone from the house until May..... But over the holidays, they found that they had to cut their trip short.....SO... once I got home, they'd ALL be home...my sweet friends and their 3children... but they NEVER pressured me to leave their home, just because their plans had changed..... They offered my a place to lie my head for as long as I needed to..... Grateful to them, beyond words...because truth be known, now that my holiday contract was over... I only had FEW sessions in nashville, and no further work with any of the other artists/ministries I travel with until April...
So... While my friend, my boyfriend and I... sat around in the family room...relieved to have the flight issue solved....my mind still ran furiously with thoughts about the days ahead.... when all of a sudden, my phone rang... My boyfriend went and brought the phone to me, and immediately recognized the number.... "ITS DISNEY!" he said.... as our eyes all bounced around, and my played connect 4 with each others' eyes.....
everyone sat on the edge of their seat while I tried not to act like weird...and answered the phone..... LOOOONG...REALLY LONG STORY SHORT...(and i'm SOOOOO sorry for how long this story is taking), it was the head of Talent Casting at disney.... he offered my a full time contract. That would begin in March... and soooooooo... I said ALL of that to say this... I'M FRIGGIN' MOVING....AGAIN....BAAACK TO ORLANDO...from whence I just came...
I'm going BACK to the same group that I was in before... the amazing Voices of Liberty... but THIS time, I'm statused as an ALTO... wooo HOO!!! I'm sure that i'll do some soprano singin' every once in awhile while i'm in the group... i certainly hope so any way...but i'm REALLY excited about this new path in the group...
ALSO i'll be working at a church there in town... Gunna be teaching and directing the choir and praise team, and leading along with a team of really great worship leaders...... So my moving back there is 2fold... I'm so ..SOOO excited about the move... But i'm just about PETRIFIED with all that has to be done to make the move happen... that includes gettting all my crap there, finding a house, and moving in it.... ALL with the the BIGGEST, IMAAAAGINARY budget known to man!! hahahaaaa....
This past wednesday was my last rehearsal as a member of the wonderful Christ Church Choir in Nashville. I had to stop for a moment while we rehearsing to look around and thank God for all of the wonderful friends he's given me.. and the incredible experiences we've had as a church, and choir family... Memory after memory comes to mind... but of COURSE..time with my friend and brother Mo' come to mind... Just this past Wed.in choir, we were listening to one of the new songs that the choir is learning... The girl doing the solo on the recording was KILLIN' it.. just Singin' her FACE OFF... and instictively...i WHIPPED my head over to make eye contact with Mo'... who of course...was not there...My heart almost burst apart.... I thank God for my friend still...even when it hurts... and I thank God for the legacy that he left in Japan.. and what those of us who went to Japan this past September got to experience.... my heart is full.
*Singin' on National TV in Kyoto,Japan September 10,2011 (my 31st bday)
I leave Nashville on March,7th. I've had lots and lots of folks joke with me about how i'm waaaay beyond the boy that cried wolf... I keep leaving...and coming back, and leaving.... this is all so true.... BUT.. there's something in my spirit and in my heart this time that knows that things are different.... Not saying that i'll never live in Nashville...or go to Christ Church.... BUT... this time, I don't leave with the expectancy that God bring me back soon.... THIS time, I'm expecting God to know that I truly will follow him where ever he leads me.... THAT, my friends, is the scariest most exciting place to be in the world. We often say "Lead me Lord, I will follow".... But how many times can we honestly say that we've felt the REALNESS of that thought in our heart?
I'm leaving here in just a few days and ALREADY things are so much different for me than they were months ago.... Nothing looks the way that I presumed it would be this point. I'm single again.... Healing from that loss...and trusting God for continued wisdom in the matter of my heart, in romance and relationships.... But I tell you what ELSE has changed....ME... ALL in less than a year's time... God has worked my heart and mind over and over, and then over 18 more times.... This move BACK to Orlando, will be my FOURTH move in less than 12 mos time.... I'm exhausted physically, and many days it feels like my head is swimming... BUT I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED... and I'm ready! I'm ready for where life is taking me next... I'm ready for what it is the Lord is setting me up for in this newest chapter.....
Thats really what all this is,isnt it? Following Him..... one big DIVINE setup!!...lol meh... mkay, i've rambled enough...
Keep me in your prayers peeps... the next few weeks are gunna be..... "FUN"?!!!?!... yup... that's what we'll call it... FUN!!
Love yns!!
I want to try and push thru the emotional dam that's been forming in my mind over the past several months, and try to talk a bit about what's going on in my world.. Last time i wrote, I was coming to the end of my holiday contract at disney in orlando, and was getting ready to do a lot of moving around, before i returned to Nashville, for what I thought was for good.
A few days before I was set to leave Orlando...I almost wanna say that it was the day before I was supposed leave, my transition died in my car.. To the tune of $3,100 worth a damage,Died. SOOO.. plans were changed... And thru the benevolence of a friend, and using some flyer points I'd been saving up for a vacation trip one day...I was able to book a flight home to nashville... so that I could get back to life here. I'd missed a session that I was booked to sing on, because my transpo was jacked...but eventually, things got worked out. On the day that I was supposed to fly out...my sweet friend and sister who was giving me a ride to the airport... was unable to get home from running her errands in enough time for me to get to the airport...and SO I missed my flight home. By THIS point, ,my insides were a mess.... My stomach is SOOOO mean to me. ANYTIME i'm excited, or nervous, or too badly upset...my stomach goes bazzirk... and gives me...well... BUBBLE GUTS!!! haha...soooo, while trying to find another flight home and trying to get it together so that I dont make my friend who was taking me to the airport feel any worse than she already felt... I locked myself away in the restroom.... on the potty.
hahha... TMI i'm sure... but I want you to fully understand what was going on with me..... So, finally I find another flight at the BUTT crack of dawn the next day and everything concerning my travel, is settled. It was relief to have about how I'd get back to nashville.... but still there was a bit of a heaviness as I sat in my friends' home. She, my boyrfriend (at the time) and myself. ALL of us were stressing out because of all of the things going on in our lives... my boyfriends' car had broken down weeks before mine did, I was his transportation, until mine gave the ghost as well... then we were able to stay with my dear friends, that i've known since college.... But nothing was going on, in an ideal way. While I was very happy to have figured out how I'd get back to nashville, i was still very heavy hearted. I'd be leaving my boyfriend, and not knowing exactly I'd see him again..... I had no car, so I was very worried about what life would look like when I got home. My dear freinds, who'd allowed me to rent their home for months before, were originally set to be gone from the house until May..... But over the holidays, they found that they had to cut their trip short.....SO... once I got home, they'd ALL be home...my sweet friends and their 3children... but they NEVER pressured me to leave their home, just because their plans had changed..... They offered my a place to lie my head for as long as I needed to..... Grateful to them, beyond words...because truth be known, now that my holiday contract was over... I only had FEW sessions in nashville, and no further work with any of the other artists/ministries I travel with until April...
So... While my friend, my boyfriend and I... sat around in the family room...relieved to have the flight issue solved....my mind still ran furiously with thoughts about the days ahead.... when all of a sudden, my phone rang... My boyfriend went and brought the phone to me, and immediately recognized the number.... "ITS DISNEY!" he said.... as our eyes all bounced around, and my played connect 4 with each others' eyes.....
everyone sat on the edge of their seat while I tried not to act like weird...and answered the phone..... LOOOONG...REALLY LONG STORY SHORT...(and i'm SOOOOO sorry for how long this story is taking), it was the head of Talent Casting at disney.... he offered my a full time contract. That would begin in March... and soooooooo... I said ALL of that to say this... I'M FRIGGIN' MOVING....AGAIN....BAAACK TO ORLANDO...from whence I just came...
I'm going BACK to the same group that I was in before... the amazing Voices of Liberty... but THIS time, I'm statused as an ALTO... wooo HOO!!! I'm sure that i'll do some soprano singin' every once in awhile while i'm in the group... i certainly hope so any way...but i'm REALLY excited about this new path in the group...
ALSO i'll be working at a church there in town... Gunna be teaching and directing the choir and praise team, and leading along with a team of really great worship leaders...... So my moving back there is 2fold... I'm so ..SOOO excited about the move... But i'm just about PETRIFIED with all that has to be done to make the move happen... that includes gettting all my crap there, finding a house, and moving in it.... ALL with the the BIGGEST, IMAAAAGINARY budget known to man!! hahahaaaa....
*Mo' (Maurice Carter),Jaimie and Me..studio' singin',smilin', and lovin' it!
I leave Nashville on March,7th. I've had lots and lots of folks joke with me about how i'm waaaay beyond the boy that cried wolf... I keep leaving...and coming back, and leaving.... this is all so true.... BUT.. there's something in my spirit and in my heart this time that knows that things are different.... Not saying that i'll never live in Nashville...or go to Christ Church.... BUT... this time, I don't leave with the expectancy that God bring me back soon.... THIS time, I'm expecting God to know that I truly will follow him where ever he leads me.... THAT, my friends, is the scariest most exciting place to be in the world. We often say "Lead me Lord, I will follow".... But how many times can we honestly say that we've felt the REALNESS of that thought in our heart?
I'm leaving here in just a few days and ALREADY things are so much different for me than they were months ago.... Nothing looks the way that I presumed it would be this point. I'm single again.... Healing from that loss...and trusting God for continued wisdom in the matter of my heart, in romance and relationships.... But I tell you what ELSE has changed....ME... ALL in less than a year's time... God has worked my heart and mind over and over, and then over 18 more times.... This move BACK to Orlando, will be my FOURTH move in less than 12 mos time.... I'm exhausted physically, and many days it feels like my head is swimming... BUT I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED... and I'm ready! I'm ready for where life is taking me next... I'm ready for what it is the Lord is setting me up for in this newest chapter.....
Thats really what all this is,isnt it? Following Him..... one big DIVINE setup!!...lol meh... mkay, i've rambled enough...
Keep me in your prayers peeps... the next few weeks are gunna be..... "FUN"?!!!?!... yup... that's what we'll call it... FUN!!
Love yns!!
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