I'm coming into the realization that loving people is hard...HARD grueling work. It's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday that loving ME...is even MORE difficult. Like most people, I'm replete with intricacies and little bends in my personality that keep who ever has stepped up to the challenge of loving me, for who I am, on their toes, and almost always a little flustered. It's not something that I am particularly proud of.... but it's something that I am coming to understand.
A couple years ago, after a series of unfufilling relationships, and much heart ache from within, I decided to take a break from dating. I was VERY frustrated with my knack for putting myself into situations with guys...that in the long run... just didn't work out. I decided that there was one constant variable in ALL of the romance situations that had run their course and eventually fizzled out. ME. I'm on of the those people whose brain is CONSTANTLY churning. In many ways it's a good thing... I'm a thinker, and though I have been known to be spontaneous... at other times I'm guilty of over thinking a thing... and many times, siking myself out of what COULD have been a wonderful experience...in efforts to keep myself from disappointment. To that regard, after relationship FAIL, after miserable,heart wrenching FAIL.. I said to myself, what I've found myself saying to friends who'd come to me for relationship guidance (AS IF IIIII had anything valuable to say...lol), "It's not ALWAYS the other person!!!" Meaning... Sometimes you've got to look at situations and take responsibility for what YOU bring to situations... YES such and so WAS a complete "douche"... YES he never valued you as a person, YES, YOU gave to the relationship more than he did most of the time...BUT.... EVERYTHING cant be blamed on the other person, whilst you sit back and mourn the loss of another love that's ended. In order to get to the bottom of a matter you've got to look at ALL of the factors involved....which means... you have to take some inventory of yourself...ask God to show you your weaknesses.... and give you the courage to face your fears...and try to make some positive changes, from the INSIDE out.
I've been dating someone for a year or so now... and as you know, sometimes it takes being in close relationship with someone, for you to see certain facts about yourself, both good and bad. In my case what I've discovered has been both enlightening and alarming.
I've mentioned before that I'm a "survivor" of sexual abuse as a child. I've also mentioned in another blog that I was adopted by my parents as a little girl. I THINK I may have also spoken about how fortunate I feel as an adult to have as many wonderful friends in my life as I do...because I had a very lonely childhood...and spent many days and nights crying out to God to send me friends who would love me for ME.... All of that is fine and dandy... I thank God for his faithfulness to me, my whole lifelong... and I don't take for granted his mercy in my life that kept me thru the hardest moments of my life, and has helped to sustain me in the days since. All of us bring our entire life story into all of our relationships... How we treat the ones that we love, folks we barely know, and even strangers...can be traced to the stories of our past, which have helped to shape the way we view the world around us, and the people that we share this world with.
In MY case, I've noticed over time, but especially recently as my relationship has gone longer and longer that though I pride myself in being an "open minded" individual, who makes friends easily... and etc... I've become bitter, and often times, expect the worse out of people. Particularly when it comes to dating. I've hidden behind the mask of my friendly nature, and fun loving ways and it's effected how much of myself I've given in love....and how I've expected to be treated.
A couple years ago I took on the task of self inventory... and I've been working hard at becoming the woman that I believe I was intended to be every day since. The main thing that has been on my mind lately is that it is HARD, HARD work loving people, really, honestly and truly loving them...not within the confines of my humanity, and what comes naturally to me. But loving people the way that Christ has commanded that I love them. Unconditionally. I don't have any new revelation on the matter.... just a resolve that I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to love correctly. My friends, my family, my man, my fellow man... I want to be an example of Christ's love. I want to be the type of person that when I'm dead and gone, and friends and family are left with nothing but the memory of our time here together on this earth, that for the rest of their lives they will be able to look at me as an example of someone who loved, and loved HARD... I want to be a woman that they will tell friends of theirs who never got to meet me, or tell their children about, for the way that I cared for those God had given to my care. I want to spend the rest of my life, loving, and LOVING HARD...or when I die...that I'll still be trying to get it right.
Merry Christmas friends. LOVE you... well.... at least I'm TRYING to. Lol.
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