I've a nice person. More or less. I get a long with people fairly easily. MOST folks like me, right off the bat... I like most folks...actually I'm lying. I DON'T like most folks... but I don't dislike them, it's just that I'm not easily trusting of people. I've been burnt, one time too many BILLION for that, and so I've sort of developed away that allows me to "enjoy" people, while, not REALLY having to LIKE them all that much... Understand?? I'm not being fake, I'm interested in their stories, I like laughing with them. We can eat together, make jokes, talk about God and philosophy, but at the end of the day, I dont expect much GOOD from them. Why? Because, I got hurt that way. Not just one time. Not just a few times, MANY times.... and hurt deeply....
So...I've been content to go on with my life as I've created it.... With most folks who meet me, thinking i'm a free spirit of sorts...loving to all she meets, with a heart as big as Texas.... Well... I AM a bit of a free spirit. But in many ways I'm an old school, holiness or hell, bible thumping, apostolic,traditionalist. I DO love people.... But I've almost ALWAYS got my guard up, and for the longest time, I felt entitled to my decision to protect myself. However, God has been pestering me, quite a bit lately about forgiveness. You see, I'm a bit of a grudge holder. I've known and disliked this about myself for sometime now. I'll let a person walk all over me for EVER...but when the time comes that i'm finished with it all.... I can't just let it go, release them to God, brush the dust off my feet and keep it moving..... I try to. Many times I've convinced myself that I have.... But then YEARS later, something will happen and i'll realize that I'm still holding a grudge against someone, for something they may or may not have apologized for already.
I've heard for years and years that the choice to forgive is one that has to be made by you DAILY.... For one reason or another God allowed me to see in FULL,CLEAR, SHINING GLORY the other day that I was still resentful at someone who had hurt me deeply years, and I mean YEARS ago. Wanna know how I knew I was still "buggin'" a bit?? I was prompted in my spirit to pray for that person....
The moment that I went to, a war of sorts happened inside of me. My spirit wanted to obey, and see God's will done in their lives. My spirit wanted their soul to prosper and for the promises of God to be fulfilled in their life...but just as soon as I went to pray my mind wanted to recall how hurt I'd been by their actions. Immediately I was ashamed. I was ashamed because I was knew that I was in the very presence of God, and that he'd compelled me to do something, and my childish, immature, "flesh" nearly stopped me. I prayed. And I prayed hard, and I asked for forgiveness for MYSELF for being so silly, and childish, after all of the offenses I'd caused against God himself, and he'd forgiven me. And as I prayed for that person.....healing began to flood my spirit.... Healing that I've continued to feel in the days since.....
I've begun to think of others that I've been holding in the prison of my contempt, and I'm asking for the strength to release my pain, and all that has kept me in bondage for far too long,to God. I KNOW full well that what I'm asking for is no small task. I know that it's going to involve active participation at my part..... But it's time.... it's beyond time.... so, like the seemingly uncooth...(sp?) preacher whose video went viral on the world wide web said..... F-YOU... to all of those who've hurt me in the past... I'm honestly... gunna do my best to forgive you, FOREAL. Because heaven knows, I need real forgiveness for my trespasses....
That's all I've got for now! Light,love,liberty and Joy to you all!!
L'quatious
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