I'm on a plane heading to Dallas to sing with Travis at a women's conference. I'm excited about being with our team,and to be honest, it'll be nice to try to take my mind off of what lies ahead for me this week when I return back to Orlando.
I feel ashamed in so many ways for being what I can only describe as big ol' wuss. In my lifetime I have found myself in some pretty impossible situations. Each time The Lord provides for me, somehow in my feable mind... I begin to plan.... So that NEVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE, will I have to endure the terrible feelings of helplessness, fear, and ultimately failure, that often accompanies times such as those.
The truth is that ALOT of the mess that we find ourselves going through has much to do with poor decisions that we've made. It's not ALWAYS the devil, attacking you and trying to keep you from reaching your full potential, though, Don't get it twisted; he LOVES to see the children of the most high God in despair and pain! He will contribute to your demise in ANY way that he can.... But often times we blame him unnecessarily.
I mean, he's evil... He wants us destroyed, so it's not like I'm saying that we ought ask his forgiveness for when we've falsely accused him.. Lord knows he loves accusing us..... I'm just saying sometimes... We've just got to own up to the fact that we jacked things up...and keep it movin'.
However... Life IS tricky at times.. MANY times, honestly speaking;We may have done EVERYTHING perfectly, and we may STILL be met with heavy opposition that can cause us to question EVERYTHING we ever thought we were sure of... about ourselves, our calling, and even God.
I'm blogging today for a couple of reasons. It makes me feel better sometimes to try and articulate all that I'm feeling... AND I feel compelled to confess.
I've been called a woman of "GREAT faith". I've been told that I'm courageous... All sorts of lofty compliments have been hurled my way in regards to my fearless nature, when it comes to walking in faith , and doing what I feel like God has called me to. I'm sure there's been a time or two when I "deserved" such praise.... But in general folks, I'm a PUNK!
I've watched God provide for me, over and over again, literally more times than I can count, & sometimes he's done so in extremely ostentatious ways..
Yet, for weeks now I've watched and felt myself crumble under the weight of fear,because of the fact that I need God to work a financial miracle in my life.... Like... MAJORLY, And instead of rejoicing,because I KNOW that he's gunna show up and totally blow my mind, AGAIN;I've been counting down the days, and trying to figure our how I can handle things on my own.. How can i get through this tough spot on my own? Without help from Jesus or Anyone else?!
That's the most shameful part. Because the truth is this. Whether or I could "handle" things on my own or not, if my life was perfect and without pain... If i managed to do, say and be the RIGHT thing, ALL the time.... My need of him would be no less.
I wouldn't win the "friend of God" award... At the "Heavenlies", an annual event thrown by the 4 and 20 elders that are seated around the throne of God.....
I would STILL BE completely and totally in DESPERATE need of Jesus, my Savior. It's odd how quickly one can forget that our ENTIRETY depends on him. We need him.. ALWAYS, for EVERYTHING!! NOT just when it seems like our world is falling to pieces all around us, and that there is nothing that we can do to stop it.
In a little while I'll be doing what I love to do, more than anything in this world... I'll be helping to lead worship with some of my closest friends. I'm honored EVERY time I get to minister in song whether its at my church in Florida where I'm the worship leader/minister of music... Or if its across the world.... It blows my mind that God has seen fit to allow me the wonderful opportunities that he has... But ya' know what blows my mind even more? Is knowing that when I take the stage, I don't have to be anybody that I'm not. I don't have to act as if I'm CHOCK full of divine wisdom and that I've got All the answers... I don't even have to act like I'm not a bit shaken to my core, and worried about all that I've got to do in the next few days....
All I have to do is open my mouth and sing. I simply have to show up, and worship.... With ALL that I am.. And all the worry in my heart... With the parts of me that are courageous as well as the parts of me that are just plain "chicken"... And trust that because I KNOW him; I KNOW that his plans for me are for good. I've known him to provide for me when it seemed as of there was no way in heaven OR earth that everything would work out.... I can try with ALL of my might to find rest and peace in that, And just let God be who he's NEVER failed to be, in my life.
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