it's already been said before but, "F-YOU!!" (thoughts on forgiveness)

I've a nice person. More or less. I get a long with people fairly easily. MOST folks like me, right off the bat... I like most folks...actually I'm lying. I DON'T like most folks... but I don't dislike them, it's just that I'm not easily trusting of people. I've been burnt, one time too many BILLION for that, and so I've sort of developed away that allows me to "enjoy" people, while, not REALLY having to LIKE them all that much... Understand?? I'm not being fake, I'm interested in their stories, I like laughing with them. We can eat together, make jokes, talk about God and philosophy, but at the end of the day, I dont expect much GOOD from them. Why? Because, I got hurt that way. Not just one time. Not just a few times, MANY times.... and hurt deeply....

So...I've been content to go on with my life as I've created it.... With most folks who meet me, thinking i'm a free spirit of sorts...loving to all she meets, with a heart as big as Texas.... Well... I AM a bit of a free spirit. But in many ways I'm an old school, holiness or hell, bible thumping, apostolic,traditionalist. I DO love people.... But I've almost ALWAYS got my guard up, and for the longest time, I felt entitled to my decision to protect myself. However, God has been pestering me, quite a bit lately about forgiveness. You see, I'm a bit of a grudge holder. I've known and disliked this about myself for sometime now. I'll let a person walk all over me for EVER...but when the time comes that i'm finished with it all.... I can't just let it go, release them to God, brush the dust off my feet and keep it moving..... I try to. Many times I've convinced myself that I have.... But then YEARS later, something will happen and i'll realize that I'm still holding a grudge against someone, for something they may or may not have apologized for already.

I've heard for years and years that the choice to forgive is one that has to be made by you DAILY.... For one reason or another God allowed me to see in FULL,CLEAR, SHINING GLORY the other day that I was still resentful at someone who had hurt me deeply years, and I mean YEARS ago. Wanna know how I knew I was still "buggin'" a bit?? I was prompted in my spirit to pray for that person....

The moment that I went to, a war of sorts happened inside of me. My spirit wanted to obey, and see God's will done in their lives. My spirit wanted their soul to prosper and for the promises of God to be fulfilled in their life...but just as soon as I went to pray my mind wanted to recall how hurt I'd been by their actions. Immediately I was ashamed. I was ashamed because I was knew that I was in the very presence of God, and that he'd compelled me to do something, and my childish, immature, "flesh" nearly stopped me. I prayed. And I prayed hard, and I asked for forgiveness for MYSELF for being so silly, and childish, after all of the offenses I'd caused against God himself, and he'd forgiven me. And as I prayed for that person.....healing began to flood my spirit.... Healing that I've continued to feel in the days since.....

I've begun to think of others that I've been holding in the prison of my contempt, and I'm asking for the strength to release my pain, and all that has kept me in bondage for far too long,to God. I KNOW full well that what I'm asking for is no small task. I know that it's going to involve active participation at my part..... But it's time.... it's beyond time.... so, like the seemingly uncooth...(sp?) preacher whose video went viral on the world wide web said..... F-YOU... to all of those who've hurt me in the past... I'm honestly... gunna do my best to forgive you, FOREAL. Because heaven knows, I need real forgiveness for my trespasses....

That's all I've got for now! Light,love,liberty and Joy to you all!!

L'quatious

long...LONG time no post...

WELP... I'm back. That's all for now... I hope you've all enjoyed the past few months of blogatory... lol. Because I may never shut up again!!

Change,Change,CHANGE..THE most consistent part of my life

Its been  while, a LONG while since the last time I blogged. SO much has happened since my last blog, in the world...and in my life personally...it's a bit mind boggling. Often times, when there's much going on in my mind and heart, I run immediately to my journal, or to my blog... or to SOME place where I can express to the best of my ability, all that is on my heart..... Other times.. it's as if something seals over my "expressor" and I'm unable...no matter how much I want to, say all that i wish i could. I'm VERY much in that same way now...

I want to try and push thru the emotional dam that's been forming in my mind over the past several months, and try to talk a bit about what's going on in my world.. Last time i wrote, I was coming to the end of my holiday contract at disney in orlando, and was getting ready to do a lot of moving around, before i returned to Nashville, for what I thought was for good.

A few days before I was set to leave Orlando...I almost wanna say that it was the day before I was supposed leave, my transition died in my car.. To the tune of $3,100 worth a damage,Died. SOOO.. plans were changed... And thru the benevolence of a friend, and using some flyer points I'd been saving up for a vacation trip one day...I was able to book a flight home to nashville... so that I could get back to life here. I'd missed a session that I was booked to sing on, because my transpo was jacked...but eventually, things got worked out. On the day that I was supposed to fly out...my sweet friend and sister who was giving me a ride to the airport... was unable to get home from running her errands in enough time for me to get to the airport...and SO I missed my flight home. By THIS point, ,my insides were a mess.... My stomach is SOOOO mean to me. ANYTIME i'm excited, or nervous, or too badly upset...my stomach goes bazzirk... and gives me...well... BUBBLE GUTS!!! haha...soooo, while trying to find another flight home and trying to get it together so that I dont make my friend who was taking me to the airport feel any worse than she already felt... I locked myself away in the restroom.... on the potty.

hahha... TMI i'm sure... but I want you to fully understand what was going on with me..... So, finally I find another flight at the BUTT crack of dawn the next day and everything concerning my travel, is settled. It was relief to have about how I'd get back to nashville.... but still there was a bit of a heaviness as I sat in my friends' home. She, my boyrfriend (at the time) and myself. ALL of us were stressing out because of all of the things going on in our lives... my boyfriends' car had broken down weeks before mine did, I was his transportation, until mine gave the ghost as well... then we were able to stay with my dear friends, that i've known since college.... But nothing was going on, in an ideal way. While I was very happy to have figured out how I'd get back to nashville, i was still very heavy hearted. I'd be leaving my boyfriend, and not knowing exactly I'd see him again..... I had no car, so I was very worried about what life would look like when I got home. My dear freinds, who'd allowed me to rent their home for months before, were originally set to be gone from the house until May..... But over the holidays, they found that they had to cut their trip short.....SO... once I got home, they'd ALL be home...my sweet friends and their 3children... but they NEVER pressured me to leave their home, just because their plans had changed..... They offered my a place to lie my head for as long as I needed to..... Grateful to them, beyond words...because truth be known, now that my holiday contract was over... I only had  FEW sessions in nashville, and no further work with any of the other artists/ministries I travel with until April...

So... While my friend, my boyfriend and I... sat around in the family room...relieved to have the flight issue solved....my mind still ran furiously with thoughts about the days ahead.... when all of a sudden, my phone rang... My boyfriend went and brought the phone to me, and immediately recognized the number.... "ITS DISNEY!" he said.... as our eyes all bounced around, and my played connect 4 with each others' eyes.....

everyone sat on the edge of their seat while I tried not to act like weird...and answered the phone..... LOOOONG...REALLY LONG STORY SHORT...(and i'm SOOOOO sorry for how long this story is taking), it was the head of Talent Casting at disney.... he offered my a full time contract. That would begin in March... and soooooooo... I said ALL of that to say this... I'M FRIGGIN' MOVING....AGAIN....BAAACK TO ORLANDO...from whence I just came...

I'm going BACK to the same group that I was in before... the amazing Voices of Liberty... but THIS time, I'm statused as an ALTO... wooo HOO!!! I'm sure that i'll do some soprano singin' every once in awhile while i'm in the group... i certainly hope so any way...but i'm REALLY excited about this new path in the group...

ALSO i'll be working at a church there in town... Gunna be teaching and directing the choir and praise team, and leading along with a team of really great worship leaders...... So my moving back there is 2fold... I'm so ..SOOO excited about the move... But i'm just about PETRIFIED with all that has to be done to make the move happen... that includes gettting all my crap there, finding a house, and moving in it.... ALL with the the BIGGEST, IMAAAAGINARY budget known to man!! hahahaaaa....

This past wednesday was my last rehearsal as a member of the wonderful Christ Church Choir in Nashville. I had to stop for a moment while we rehearsing to look around and thank God for all of the wonderful friends he's given me.. and the incredible experiences we've had as a church, and choir family... Memory after memory comes to mind... but of COURSE..time with my friend and brother Mo' come to mind... Just this past Wed.in choir, we were listening to one of the new songs that the choir is learning... The girl doing the solo on the recording was KILLIN' it.. just Singin' her FACE OFF... and instictively...i WHIPPED my head over to make eye contact with Mo'... who of course...was not there...My heart almost burst apart.... I thank God for my friend still...even when it hurts... and I thank God for the legacy that he left in Japan.. and what those of us who went to Japan this past September got to experience.... my heart is full.

                        *Singin' on National TV in Kyoto,Japan September 10,2011 (my 31st bday)

*Mo' (Maurice Carter),Jaimie and Me..studio' singin',smilin', and lovin' it!

I leave Nashville on March,7th. I've had lots and lots of folks joke with me about how i'm waaaay beyond the boy that cried wolf... I keep leaving...and coming back, and leaving.... this is all so true.... BUT.. there's something in  my spirit and in my heart this time that knows that things are different.... Not saying that i'll never live in Nashville...or go to Christ Church.... BUT... this time, I don't leave with the expectancy that God bring me back soon.... THIS time, I'm expecting God to know that I truly will follow him where ever he leads me.... THAT, my friends, is the scariest most exciting place to be in the world. We often say "Lead me Lord, I will follow".... But how many times can we honestly say that we've felt the REALNESS of that thought in our heart?

I'm leaving here in just a few days and ALREADY things are so much different for me than they were months ago.... Nothing looks the way that I presumed it would be this point. I'm single again.... Healing from that loss...and trusting God for continued wisdom in the matter of my heart, in romance and relationships.... But I tell you what ELSE has changed....ME... ALL in less than a year's time... God has worked my heart and mind over and over, and then over 18 more times.... This move BACK to Orlando, will be my FOURTH move in less than 12 mos time.... I'm exhausted physically, and many days it feels like my head is swimming... BUT I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED... and I'm ready! I'm ready for where life is taking me next... I'm ready for what it is the Lord is setting me up for in this newest chapter.....

Thats really what all this is,isnt it? Following Him..... one big DIVINE setup!!...lol meh... mkay, i've rambled enough...

Keep me in your prayers peeps... the next few weeks are gunna be..... "FUN"?!!!?!... yup... that's what we'll call it... FUN!!

Love yns!!

My Year,in Review

WOW... what an eventful year I've had this year. As it comes to a close my mind swims with wonder about what's ahead for me in the year ahead, AND recalls the moments that stick out from this year at present.

2011 was a year of great change and challenge for me. It began with me still living and working in Orlando, but knowing that in just a few months I'd be leaving my job, the city that I'd called home for nearly 3yrs, and returning back to Nashville, the city I'd previously called home for nearly 8. As the time approached for me to return to Nashville, a myriad of emotions welled up in my heart, at any given moment. I knew that I'd miss desperately the friends I had in Orlando, but I was excited to reconnect on a more consistent basis with the friends that I'd left when I moved to Florida in the first place. I was also nervous. Being gone from Nashville for so long meant that I'd return to a scene that had changed quite a bit. It also meant that I was going to have to start over in a sense... but that fact somewhat excited me. Nothing was concrete in my professional life... or really in any other way... so the fact that I'd get a chance to start over again was somewhat refreshing...albeit scary. The ONE thing that was solid, was that I was going to get a chance to start singing with Wynonna Judd again. It would be a few months after my re-relocation back to Nashville, before I'd have enough dates with The Judds that my finances wouldn't be an issue... BUT living in Nashville previously, taught me how to survive in between checks...and though it would be a slow beginning... I felt confident that the end result would be worth it. Lucrative even.

My friend Maurice Carter, who also sang with The Judds, had contacted me in 2010 and RElit the flame in my heart to record my own album, and promised to help me in every way that he could. I'd flown to Nashville a few times and had a few writing sessions with him, and I was very excited to get some recording done in 2011. When I first moved to Nashville in 2003 I had both management and recording contracts. 7 nearly 8 years later I'd still not recorded, and even though I didn't really notice while it was happening... I'd begun to give up on that dream. Maurice spoke life into my spirit... I was writing songs again with ease, and creating music almost nonstop... I GREATLY looked forward to getting that process of recording and creating, underway.

My move back to Nashville was in March, towards the end of March...almost April... It was a VERY difficult start.. But little by little, thanks to Maurice bringing me in on all of the session work that he could, and me contacting my other session singin' friends... I began to get more and more session work. So... I kept my eyes on the prize...even if I fussed and cussed a lot on the way. The Judds had several dates intermittently.... hopping on the tour bus with my good friend Maurice and the band was a BLAST!!! Maurice and I sang at the Pittsburgh Symphony with Wynonna, and even got to meet Marvin Hamlisch... a musical legend. Wynonna was late for sound check that event, so IIIII got to be her during sound check...which meant that I had to sing in front of all of those AMAZINGLY talented musicians, and Mr. Hamlisch himself. My stomach was in KNOTS... but I sang on.... And at the end of it all..Maurice and I took a picture with him, and he called us phenomenal.... It meant the WORLD to hear that from him.

A few months later, in June, randomly...my friend Mo' left this earth. The sting of his death is STILL to much for my heart to take at times. He was like a big brother to me, a RIDICULOUSLY precious friend, and a mentor in the Faith. No one who knew him will ever forget him. No one to whom he gave his time and attention to will ever be alright with leaving their life at status-quo. It was  JOY to know him, and too much of a loss to explain, to lose him.

Maurice's passing got to Wynonna so...that without any notice, she "fired" me. And so... because I didn't have the funds that I needed to live as I was, I moved into my friend Julie's house. She and her family were going on a year long road trip, and allowed me to rent the house from them while they were away, for nearly free.... and SO, in the middle of heartbreak and loss, LOVE shone through my life. I saw the hand of God provide for me, like he ALWAYS has... but this time he did it in a way I never would have imagined.

In October I came back to Orlando for a seasonal contract at Disney, and tonight will be my last night working there for the holiday season.... 2011 is fast approaching and there are MANY unknowns about what lies ahead for me. But I hold fast to the remembrance of how God has taken care of me in years past... and in this last year. So, I will continue to walk on this path that God has set me on, and when the day suddenly turns to night...I will continue walking... Step by step... clinging to the hand of God... and allowing him to guide me. I don't know much... but I know that he's got great plans for me. Jer.29:11 told me so.

Happy New Year friends!!!

Love Hard or Die Trying

I'm coming into the realization that loving people is hard...HARD grueling work. It's becoming more and more apparent to me everyday that loving ME...is even MORE difficult. Like most people, I'm replete with intricacies and little bends in my personality that keep who ever has stepped up to the challenge of loving me, for who I am, on their toes, and almost always a little flustered. It's not something that I am particularly proud of.... but it's something that I am coming to understand.

A couple years ago, after a series of unfufilling relationships, and much heart ache from within, I decided to take a break from dating. I was VERY frustrated with my knack for putting myself into situations with guys...that in the long run... just didn't work out. I decided that there was one constant variable in ALL of the romance situations that had run their course and eventually fizzled out. ME. I'm on of the those people whose brain is CONSTANTLY churning. In many ways it's a good thing... I'm a thinker, and though I have been known to be spontaneous... at other times I'm guilty of over thinking a thing... and many times, siking myself out of what COULD have been a wonderful experience...in efforts to keep myself from disappointment. To that regard, after relationship FAIL, after miserable,heart wrenching FAIL.. I said to myself, what I've found myself saying to friends who'd come to me for relationship guidance (AS IF IIIII had anything valuable to say...lol), "It's not ALWAYS the other person!!!" Meaning... Sometimes you've got to look at situations and take responsibility for what YOU bring to situations... YES such and so WAS a complete "douche"... YES he never valued you as a person, YES, YOU gave to the relationship more than he did most of the time...BUT.... EVERYTHING cant be blamed on the other person, whilst you sit back and mourn the loss of another love that's ended. In order to get to the bottom of  a matter you've got to look at ALL of the factors involved....which means... you have to take some inventory of yourself...ask God to show you your weaknesses.... and give you the courage to face your fears...and try to make some positive changes, from the INSIDE out.

I've been dating someone for a year or so now... and as you know, sometimes it takes being in close relationship with someone, for you to see certain facts about yourself, both good and bad. In my case what I've discovered has been both enlightening and alarming.

I've mentioned before that I'm a "survivor" of sexual abuse as a child. I've also mentioned in another blog that I was adopted by my parents as a little girl. I THINK I may have also spoken about how fortunate I feel as an adult to have as many wonderful friends in my life as I do...because I had a very lonely childhood...and spent many days and nights crying out to God to send me friends who would love me for ME.... All of that is fine and dandy... I thank God for his faithfulness to me, my whole lifelong... and I don't take for granted his mercy in my life that kept me thru the hardest moments of my life, and has helped to sustain me in the days since. All of us bring our entire life story into all of our relationships... How we treat the ones that we love, folks we barely know, and even strangers...can be traced to the stories of our past, which have helped to shape the way we view the world around us, and the people that we share this world with.

In MY case, I've noticed over time, but especially recently as my relationship has gone longer and longer that though I pride myself in being an "open minded" individual, who makes friends easily... and etc... I've become bitter, and often times, expect the worse out of people. Particularly when it comes to dating. I've hidden behind the mask of my friendly nature, and fun loving ways and it's effected how much of myself  I've given in love....and how I've expected to be treated.

A couple years ago I took on the task of self inventory... and I've been working hard at becoming the woman that I believe I was intended to be every day since. The main thing that has been on my mind lately is that it is HARD, HARD work loving people, really, honestly and truly loving them...not within the confines of my humanity, and what comes naturally to me. But loving people the way that Christ has commanded that I love them. Unconditionally. I don't have any new revelation on the matter.... just a resolve that I'm going to spend the rest of my life learning how to love correctly. My friends, my family, my man, my fellow man... I want to be an example of Christ's love. I want to be the type of person that when I'm dead and gone, and friends and family are left with nothing but the memory of our time here together on this earth, that for the rest of their lives they will be able to look at me as an example of someone who loved, and loved HARD... I want to be a woman that they will tell friends of theirs who never got to meet me, or tell their children about, for the way that I cared for those God had given to my care. I want to spend the rest of my life, loving, and LOVING HARD...or when I die...that I'll still be trying to get it right.

Merry Christmas friends. LOVE you... well.... at least I'm TRYING to. Lol.

So...Whats in a name...apparently..LOTS

SO... whether you've paid MUCH attention to all that's going on in the news or not, chances are that you've heard a little something about Coach Sandusky and the allegations of sexual molestation that  have been brought against him.

Normally, I don't have much to say when it comes to chiming in on whatever major scandal has captured the attention of the nation for a moment. I lived in Orlando for 3yrs. During that time, the Casey Anthony trial was underway, and it seemed like every time I turned the TV on, there was something being said about Casey, her missing child, updates in the case being brought against Casey, and etc. Then I'd get on facebook, and it wasn't uncommon at all to see that friends had written little tidbits on their profile,about their feelings on the Casey Anthony debacle. Part of me thought to myself that it was a waste of time for folks to engage in such talk. I mean, unless you're related to the Anthony's, or are their neighbors..or something like that, WHO CARES what you have to say about the issue... Right?!

The other part of me knew that human interest stories are called that for a reason. They somehow strike us to our core, and cause us to wonder how WE'D handle a matter, where we in the same boat. Or our humanity is moved, because of the depravity of such a case, and we're forced to reconcile within ourselves, that though there is MUCH that is good about us feeble humans, there can also be very dark, evil, and vile parts to us... and that children can be murdered, women raped, and men murdered. We find out about a young girl who'd been kidnapped as a child and lived for 18yrs in captivity... and it's all that we can do to wrap our minds around the matter.

WELL.. I was at work last night, backstage at Disney getting ready for our 2nd show of the night when my cast mates and I saw on the news that Coach Sandusky had been sent home, wearing an electronic ankle bracelet... and given house arrest while he awaits his trial. Almost every jaw in the room dropped. Honestly it took everything in me NOT to reveal the true emotions that were welling up on the inside of me.

HOUSE ARREST??? Are you friggin' KIDDIN' me?! My thoughts went every where as I tried to rationalize why such a sentence be given to the Coach... Finally it dawned on me. "Fame".  It is my personal opinion that the Coach's "name" and status... afforded him the luxury that the common man would not be.

Now...don't get me wrong. I'm a human rights BUFF... I believe in due process, that everyone should be treated equally in the eyes of the law, and that every one is indeed innocent until proven guilty. BUT... I also know that if a "normal" man, were awaiting trial for the same matter..... he'd be awaiting his trial in jail.

As a Christian my mind wrestles all of the time with the love of Christ... Thinking about Christ dying to reconcile us "NORMAL" heathens unto himself is hard to fully understand, but more and more I can start to somewhat understand it. AND I'm excited when I think about new converts... folks realizing that the Lord loves them, and yada yada yada...

However, when it comes to CHILD MOLESTER, or a murderer, or rapist... my mind reaches its limit...and I honestly have to WAR with myself...and remind myself that Christ died for them to, and that he has grace and mercy and understanding for them as well, and that HE would, that even they would see the error in their ways and come to his saving grace.... and THAT I'm learning to try to truly grasp..daily.

I want everyone to know and love, and be constantly changed by the Lord...as I have been. But it REAAAALLY pisses me off to no end, knowing that an alleged child abuser gets the chance to go home and chill. Its a matter of principle, what's good for the goose should be good for the gander... I mean EQUALITY should be constant right?? If the "poor nobody" has to go to jail to await trial, shouldn't the rich, famous Coach?? Why should there be any difference? I KNOW that I'm not Nancy Grace, and that I don't have ALL of the facts, but we see this issue of all the time with celebrities... The Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons... can be publicly drunk, wreck cars while being intoxicated on all SORTS of illegal substances, NOT show up for the court dates, and STILL be given the lightest sentence ever...along with chance after chance.... If given 40 days of community service, they can show up ONE DAY  for half an hour.... and it be said that they've "really learned their lesson".... it BOTHERS ME!

Coach Sandusky's case hit too closely to home for me. My family once had to endure a trial against a Child Molester. Mine. I was scared beyond my wits, even though I knew that my abuser was in jail before,during, and AFTER the trial. I can't imagine what the victims in this case, though they're mostly adults, are feeling at this moment. The law is supposed to protect us all, no matter what side of the card we find ourselves on. Victim,Defense, or Prosecution....

Like I said before, Coach Sandusky hasn't been found guilty of any crime... but while things are being sorted out, it's MY opinion, that he be treated like the common man.

November 14,1980...a day that will live on in INFAMY..well, at least for MY family it will

Yesterday was November 14th... DUH... Most likely for most of you, unless it's your birthday or your anniversary.. November 14th is just another day. For the folks in my immeditate family however, it's a day that will always carry a special meaning. I was born on September 10,1980. Shortly thereafter, I was officially given away for adoption by my biological mother. I don't know exactly when she made the decision that she would be unable to care for me, in the best possible manner for the rest of my life... I don't know much about her at all. All I know know is that she was 18 years old when she gave birth to me, and that I was her second daughter. Her family was raising her, AND helping her raise her other daughter..that she had when she was 15yrs old or so... and so adding another child to the mix might have been more than they could all handle.

As a child my emotions varied on the subject of my adoption. Because my adoption was a closed one, I went my entire childhood, not knowing a THING about my biological background. Ever the dreamer, I created MANY different stories about my biological family... One of my dad's brothers is named Bobby... Bobby Brown. I'm pretty sure that I told many inquisitive kids that my uncle was Bobby Brown... the singer. I KNOW for sure that Janet Jackson, Whitney Houston, AND Paula Abdul ALL had the honor of being my biological mother...as well as MANY a gospel artist... And the truth of the matter is...they all very well COULD be as far as I know.... but it wouldn't matter much.

What DOES matter a LOT...and WHOLE LOT is that my biological mother, when faced with the hard decision of what to do with her 2nd child, chose to give me life...and to ask only one thing for the child that she very well may never see again. That I be placed in a loving home, with parents who would love me, and raise me in the ways of the Lord.

On November 14,1980 her request was granted, and Yasmin and David Brown...a sweet young couple from Atlanta,Georgia who'd recently relocated to Cincinnati,Ohio after marrying and completing college; became my parents. God could not have been more benevolent to me... a little "orphan" girl, who would prove to be more of a handful at times than any 2 parents should EVER have to handle. I had nothing to do with the way that I came into the world, and I had even less to do with who God placed me with. All I know is that on November 14,1980, my life was set on a remarkable path. David and Yasmin Brown, went before the courts of Ohio and vowed to take care of me.... and I can't imagine my world without them!! THANKS MOM AND DAD!!! I love and thank you!!! Happy Belated Adoption Day!!!