For the past long while now, I've been watching this 10 part documentary by Ken Burns on the history of Jazz music, in America. I learned ALOT! It's one of those things where I'm glad that it's on Netflix, because each show is packed with SO much information, it's hard to retain everything that's been said.
When you think of Jazz music, depending on who you are, a variety of sounds and artists come to mind. If you're not a musician, then it's most likely that only those artists whose music can still be found playing in some element, will come to your mind. If you're a musician then your knowledge of Jazz may run deeper and much older, less prominent artists may come to mind.
One of my favorite vocal artists of the jazz era, was Billie Holiday. I was first introduced to she and her story when I was just a young child and my parents allowed me to see the movie "Lady Sings the Blues", where Diana Ross stars as Billie and Billy Dee Williams as the man who tried to love her. Diana Ross did an excellent job portraying Billie.. She sang all of the songs on the movie soundtrack. But NObody, sang Billie..like Billie. There was so much pain and heartache, as well as beauty in her tone. Her voice told her story. Even when she wasn't necessarily trying to do so. However, my favorite song of hers begins, "Southern trees bear strange fruit..." It's speaks of the era that she lived through where as a black performer, one minute while on stage you could be a legend. But the moment you stepped off of the stage, the world quickly reminded you of your place as a 2nd class citizen... If even REALLY a citizen at all.. The "fruit" she was referring to on southern trees, were the bodies of black men and women who had been hung, beaten, and torched, and left to hang, as a reminder to all blacks who saw them...to stay in their place.
Like I said earlier, I learned ALOT by watching the show. I learned that many performers in the early jazz era, due to the stresses of life as black entertainers and other "demons" they faced internally, turned to drugs, alcohol and all kinds of sources, seeking solace.
One famous Jazz Sax' player named Charlie Parker, became addicted to Heroine at 17 yrs old. He was SO addicted, he'd do just about anything to get a "fix". He even made a deal with a drug dealer, for half of ALL of his earnings, in return for Heroine. When his dealer got busted by the police and was jailed, Charlie would drink as much as a quart of whiskey a DAY, to compensate.
On July 29, 1946, he showed up SO incredibly drunk someone had to physically hold him in place so that he could play. A Dr.gave him 6 tablets of phenylbarbitol (sp?), to bring him back to his senses.. Even still, as sick and drunk as he was, he was able to render several songs in just ONE take. It was said that when sober, after hearing the recording, Charlie felt that the record should have been destroyed. He was so disgusted with it, and himself. His fans, disagreed. His acolytes learned every note and every "lick" he played note for note. Some have said it was his best work. Which brings me to my point (AND THE CROWD GOES WILD....lol, FINALLY THE DERN POINT!!)
I've listened to the recording that I just mentioned, and it's so beautiful to me, words fail to describe it. It's heart wrenching and I can hear the pain of his heart, seeping thru his horn, but it's sheer beauty. Sometimes it's in our darkest hours, emotionally and spiritually that our most beautiful "music" is created. Sometimes being at our lowest low, yields the most beautiful song. The most honest words, the most sincere worship. It's hard to push thru, when EVERYTHING around you seems out of control.
Being heart sick, wounded, exhausted, depressed, and just plain weary, SUCKS, and I will be the FIRST one to admit that, because I've been there.
A mentor, whose personal testimony mirrors my own, in many ways once told me that in moments like the ones I've just listed, when I come to God in worship whether in private or before an audience of thousands, that God doesn't need me to pretend for his sake that everything is perfect, or that I feel no pain. On the contrary he desires that I bring ALL of that with me, while I worship. If I'm in pain physically, I worship from there. If my heart has been broken, I worship from there. It's about sincerity. "Keepin' it real"! Why? Because that's the example Christ showed us. Moments before he was to be seized and taken to be crucified, we can read in scripture that Jesus himself cried out to God and asked if there was ANY way, ANY OTHER way at ALL, that he could still fulfill his purpose here on earth without having to not only did, but be publically humiliated, spit on, lied on, accused and finally killed in the most painful way possible, let it be.
Of course we know that he concluded his prayer with a resolve to go thru the task that was set before him.
Life is hard, the economy stinks, money is tight, friends and family die suddenly.. As the saying goes, bad things happen to good people.... Quite frequently I add... I just want to let you know that sometimes, in those painful moments... Our "song" is the most sweet it will ever be.
SO... Keep on "singing". Let the music play, and let God get the glory out of your life's testimony.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Fairthful God you reign forever!!!
'Ello!! Tis me again... And I honestly don't have much to say! I just figured since I did sooooo much whining and talking about how I need and NOW kinda miracle.... That I would spend sometime publically thanking those of you who prayed and checked in on me and offered help!!! I've still got a big long road ahead of me... But The Lord has once again proven himself faithful to me.... And for that I want to thank and honor him!! And thank God for the incredible people that he's placed in my life... To encourage me and remind me of who Christ is in me... And who I am in him!!! As my life is almost NEVER without some type of fantastical story to tell I'll be in touch soon!! Ha.
Lici
Lici
Friday, February 22, 2013
Thoughts I had today, while on my way...
I wrote this EARLY this morning while on a flight from Orlando to Dallas.. Here goes....
I'm on a plane heading to Dallas to sing with Travis at a women's conference. I'm excited about being with our team,and to be honest, it'll be nice to try to take my mind off of what lies ahead for me this week when I return back to Orlando.
I'm on a plane heading to Dallas to sing with Travis at a women's conference. I'm excited about being with our team,and to be honest, it'll be nice to try to take my mind off of what lies ahead for me this week when I return back to Orlando.
I feel ashamed in so many ways for being what I can only describe as big ol' wuss. In my lifetime I have found myself in some pretty impossible situations. Each time The Lord provides for me, somehow in my feable mind... I begin to plan.... So that NEVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE, will I have to endure the terrible feelings of helplessness, fear, and ultimately failure, that often accompanies times such as those.
The truth is that ALOT of the mess that we find ourselves going through has much to do with poor decisions that we've made. It's not ALWAYS the devil, attacking you and trying to keep you from reaching your full potential, though, Don't get it twisted; he LOVES to see the children of the most high God in despair and pain! He will contribute to your demise in ANY way that he can.... But often times we blame him unnecessarily.
I mean, he's evil... He wants us destroyed, so it's not like I'm saying that we ought ask his forgiveness for when we've falsely accused him.. Lord knows he loves accusing us..... I'm just saying sometimes... We've just got to own up to the fact that we jacked things up...and keep it movin'.
However... Life IS tricky at times.. MANY times, honestly speaking;We may have done EVERYTHING perfectly, and we may STILL be met with heavy opposition that can cause us to question EVERYTHING we ever thought we were sure of... about ourselves, our calling, and even God.
I'm blogging today for a couple of reasons. It makes me feel better sometimes to try and articulate all that I'm feeling... AND I feel compelled to confess.
I've been called a woman of "GREAT faith". I've been told that I'm courageous... All sorts of lofty compliments have been hurled my way in regards to my fearless nature, when it comes to walking in faith , and doing what I feel like God has called me to. I'm sure there's been a time or two when I "deserved" such praise.... But in general folks, I'm a PUNK!
I've watched God provide for me, over and over again, literally more times than I can count, & sometimes he's done so in extremely ostentatious ways..
Yet, for weeks now I've watched and felt myself crumble under the weight of fear,because of the fact that I need God to work a financial miracle in my life.... Like... MAJORLY, And instead of rejoicing,because I KNOW that he's gunna show up and totally blow my mind, AGAIN;I've been counting down the days, and trying to figure our how I can handle things on my own.. How can i get through this tough spot on my own? Without help from Jesus or Anyone else?!
That's the most shameful part. Because the truth is this. Whether or I could "handle" things on my own or not, if my life was perfect and without pain... If i managed to do, say and be the RIGHT thing, ALL the time.... My need of him would be no less.
I wouldn't win the "friend of God" award... At the "Heavenlies", an annual event thrown by the 4 and 20 elders that are seated around the throne of God.....
I would STILL BE completely and totally in DESPERATE need of Jesus, my Savior. It's odd how quickly one can forget that our ENTIRETY depends on him. We need him.. ALWAYS, for EVERYTHING!! NOT just when it seems like our world is falling to pieces all around us, and that there is nothing that we can do to stop it.
In a little while I'll be doing what I love to do, more than anything in this world... I'll be helping to lead worship with some of my closest friends. I'm honored EVERY time I get to minister in song whether its at my church in Florida where I'm the worship leader/minister of music... Or if its across the world.... It blows my mind that God has seen fit to allow me the wonderful opportunities that he has... But ya' know what blows my mind even more? Is knowing that when I take the stage, I don't have to be anybody that I'm not. I don't have to act as if I'm CHOCK full of divine wisdom and that I've got All the answers... I don't even have to act like I'm not a bit shaken to my core, and worried about all that I've got to do in the next few days....
All I have to do is open my mouth and sing. I simply have to show up, and worship.... With ALL that I am.. And all the worry in my heart... With the parts of me that are courageous as well as the parts of me that are just plain "chicken"... And trust that because I KNOW him; I KNOW that his plans for me are for good. I've known him to provide for me when it seemed as of there was no way in heaven OR earth that everything would work out.... I can try with ALL of my might to find rest and peace in that, And just let God be who he's NEVER failed to be, in my life.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
My Most Un-Thai-dy experience in BEAUTIFUL Thailand
My ORIGINAL intent was to blog every day and send something from thailand, each day that I was there..BUT being that I'm not all, iEVERYTHINGY or really, savvy in ANY way about anything technical, I figured the Second best thing that I could do, was write daily notes in the notebook on my phone, and then post everything when I got back. Some days I did better than others... All in all, considering the MASSIVE time difference and the fact that I almost NEVER sleep... I think I did, fairly well... AND I ask that you excuse all of the grammatical errors that are inevitabely ALL UP and THROUGH this thing!! Lol...I love you all SO much and thank you for your financial contributions, and prayers for me while I was away...clear on the other side of the earth, being blown away by God and all of his splendor!!!
Day1/2
Orlando-Detroit (met up with the team)
Detroit-Tokyo
Tokyo-Bangkok
Layover at Novotel in Bangkok
Was greeted in Bangkok by a temple that was right across our exit ramp into the airport.. Of COURSE I took a picture of it..
Awoke next am.. Had breakfast
Flew from Bangkok to Chang Mai .
At the hotel in Bangkok.. There were several HUUUGE statues of some god.. Not sure which one.. I of course photo 'd that as well.
1. At the hotel they asked if I wanted a smoking or non smoking room... I asked for non smoking.. I entered the room which was trendy and BEAUTIFUL and was greeted by renuzit and cigarette smoke.. So it dawned on me that the REAL question asked was if I wanted a room that still had a smoker sulking quietly in a corner of the room puffing away...OR. If I wanted a room that no one had smoked in, within a few hours of my checkin..
I've been surprised to see a few other blacks on this journey.. From Tokyo to Thailand... None of them so FAR have been American.. But black just the same...
I noticed in Japan how quiet people were in public places.. At the gate in Bangkok.. I felt like I should have brought a book with me, and had some homework to do... you could hear a rat pee on cotton it was so quiet... With the exception of toddlers or babies... Even the tv's at the gate were silent... You could LITERALLY WATCH TV... And that's all... No noise...
So.. We're on the last flight of our journey.. And I can't even remember the time difference.. At one point it was 13hrs.. At another 11... I'll figure it out before I get back to the states... SO glad to be part of this trip!!
Though I'm so sleepy I have no CLUE how I'll fare the rest of the day.. It's beautiful here.. I can't wait to get some sight seeing in after we minister! I wanna ride and elephant!!
I can't believe it's NOT Buddherr
Day2 cont'
We hit the ground running... I was under the impression that we'd fly into town and IMMEDIATELY get to working... To my wonderment and later my sheer bewilderment (because of the jet lag) today was just a day where our good friend Stephen Proctor showed us all around the town of Chiang Mai... It's a BUSY bustling city, and in same ways reminded me of some of the cities I visited in Japan a while back... A little over a year ago... The streets were busy, folks of all nationalities bustled about.. The Thai drive on the opposite side of the road like Brits.... So just staying out of the way and not being run over by a motor hike, 10 speed, tick tack as I call 'em for now because their real name always eludes me... Tik tock??? Yuk yuk... Tick-yack... I dunno... Basically wee lil' taxi's.....
We had breakfast in Bangkok, caught our plane, and then we went to eat.....
I, of COURSE was scared about what would happen to my tummy in the wake of my 1st Thai meal... It was wonderful
I think one of my FAVORITE moments about today, was visiting the oldest temple in Chiang Mai... There we walked the lovely grounds and even got the chance to go in and look inside of the temples... They're incredibly beautiful... Me being the history junkie that I am... It was hard for me NOT to walk around with my mouth agape... One of the temples we saw was the oldest in the city.. Being built in 800 BE (which I'm thinking means before enlightenment... But it definately has to do with the time that Buddha died)
After touring the temple sites, Proctor took us to an area where Monks sit and talk with tourists... It's called Monk Chat.. They like to improve their English speaking skills as well as answer questions that we may have about their culture and religion.. We spoke with a young monk from Laos, named Olay. He was a gentle soul and spoke very good English... We asked him questions, he asked us questions.. And before it was all done I'd been asked to sing both Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You AND Hero, by Mariah Carey.... Of course I SUCKED in my opinion... I can't explain how nervous I get when asked to sing on the spot... You'd think I'd be used to it by now... But alas, I ain't!!
We told him that in America, Travis is a rock star and thru a series of events, Travis played his incredible song from his most recent cd "when the stars burn down" called "Thanks be to Our God"... Olay listened intently and then we all began to sing the chorus together... For Olay.. " hallelujah, everlasting songs will rise, for all you've done.. Hallelujah, hallelujah, thanks be to our God"...
I thought I would burst into tears... My heart was So Full from the entire experience. As a monk Olay lives a very disciplined lifestyle.. But he shared with us that even though he has been a monk for 10 yrs and plans to remain one for about 2yrs more... Once his studies are finished, he had the liberty to become christian, Muslim, or any other religion he chose, because Buddhism at its core is more of an ideology than a religion... He also stated that he believed he'd remained Buddhist... But WE believe and pray that his heart would turn towards The Lord Jesus Christ.
Well... All of the emotion quickly turned to hilarity.. When one of our team members asked Olay, who "Buddherr" was... Because he'd noticed at times that Olay would say Buddha, and other times because of his accent, he's say Buddherr.. Like (boot 'er ) IMMEDIATELY everyone in team fell apart... While trying to remain respectful and not make Olay uncomfortable...
Needless to say for the REST of the day... Buddherr this and Buddherr that was said as often as possible...
Later after dinner as we all climbed into the back of our taxi with was basically a truck with benches on the inside that had no closure on it... I yelled out " I can't believe it's not Buddherr!!" Being that around THAT time according to our bodies it was 10 am... Or 11, but 10-11pm thai time... We all were BEYOND silly... We laughed and cracked jokes all the way back to our hotel... And finally went to our rooms to sleep.
I will NEVER, EVER forget the memories made today... I've wanted to go to Thailand for as long as I can remember.. Today I saw things that previously i'd only read about in encyclopedias and watched documentaries on, on TV...
As I walked and talked today and took pictures of just about EVERYTHING I could see... I was in awe at the faithfulness of God...
Indeed... Thanks be to Our God....
Day 3 in Chiang Mai.
This am... Jet lag hit me like an 18 wheeler... I woke up early and had breakfast, but pretty much fell asleep while trying to eat it.. So I schlepped back to my room & slept until I couldn't sleep any longer.....
This afternoon Proctor took us to a cute lil' American style restaurant.. We ate and had a good time.. After lunch he told us that we were going back to the hotel, and jumping into a taxi and heading to some unknown location, where a surprise awaited us. Now... Let it be said that my dear sweet friend Stephen Proctor is a WILD, WILD, world traveling adventurous man.... He's stayed in villages in the amazon, he's been to Dubai more times than I can count... There is pretty much NOTHING that the boy would NOT do.. So, when HE says that he's got a surprise... There's a bit of you that wonders if by following him... You've signed your life away... At any rate we all hopped in the van, and headed on a 20 min journey to a place called TIRE KINGDOM!! Long story short.. We spent the afternoon inside of several "lions dens" we had the most amazing experiences of petting, and playing with Bengal tires of various sizes.. At the beginning of our time at Tire Kingdom, we were given the chance to choose which tigers we wanted to frolic with...
Many folks who know me would be shocked to know what a "dare devil" I can be at times...because they're more familiar with hearing me spout off about what I'm NOT gon' do..
Well... I was one of the folks in our group who chose to coddle the sweet lil' infant tiger cubs.. AND the ones that when you got near them, you immediately felt BEYOND small...
It was an amazing experience. We laid down next to them, we held their tails and their paws...
We started off with the babies and the worked our way up to the massive...fully grown ones...
Tomorrow we're SUPPOSED to be renting motor bikes and riding up to the top of a mountain..
Every day has been an adventure... AND the schedule of each day has been kept "secret"... I can't help but think about the journey that's ahead of me... I'm expecting great things, but I don't really have a CLUE of all of the adventures that await me... I'm the type that kinda wants to know what's going on... I actually like to be in CONTROL of my days... Rarely do I get to be "the boss of me" but the thing is that, if I were the one in control... I'd miss out on All of the amazing adventures God has in store ....
I am SO overwhelmed and feeling about 900 hundred varying emotions... But now, more than ever... I'm excited about the journey!!
Day 4...
This am we lead worship in service for the members and teachers of the organization that brought us here... The spirit of The Lord has been sooo thick as worship has gone on.... Being able to lead folks in worship who have given up their lives to go to all of the corners of the earth, teaching English in schools and universities... For the sake of the gospel..
One would think that when a person abandons all that is familiar to them, that there would be some sort of protection granted to them... Keeping them from the heartache of astounding loss... But we KNOW that's not the case. This very morning we heard the testimony of a very young couple who experienced tremendous loss in the course of a year.... The husband's mom and grand mom both lost their jobs.. The wife's grandfather died unexpectedly.. And THEN to top it all off... They miscarried their 1st baby. The mother was in painful labor for 10days before the process of the miscarriage was finished.... All while in china, far removed from family, and familiarity... Sometimes the journey that we've been called to is ridden with pain, heartache, and many things that are almost way more than we can take....
Im reminded this morning that its in our weakness that Christ is made strong... We don't have to worry about carrying the heavy load of life alone... Though we may feel like we're going to crumble because of the pain in our hearts and sometimes even physical pain in our bodies... Our help, hope, healing, both emotional and physical, is in Christ our Savior...
I don't know if I've ever felt more honored to lead a congregation of believers... Nor more encouraged to push through whatever is ahead...
We sang a song this morning in worship that says " oh my God. He will not delay, my refuge and strength always.. I will NOT fear, his promise is true, my God WILL come thru... Always".....
How true those words.... how true.
Scripture says "He renews our strength like eagles" meaning he gives us new zest and vigor, strength for the path e's set for us!! I believe I'm going to return back to Orlando renewed, refreshed, and energized for what is ahead of me, in Jesus name!!
Psalms 103:19-22
Day 4 cont... We climbed a mtn to see one of the largest temples in Thailand.. And I closed out the day by having a thai foot massage with my friend from college Johnny Moore!! God is GREAT!!
Day 5
I was challenged by my friend Angela Cottrell, Travis's wife, to speak life and blessings over my body.. She ALSO told me that I needed to forgive my body.. For all that's happened... I.E. gaining back all the weight I spent so much time losing.
Before Ieft for Thailand I was talking with another friend who basically said the same thing... I'm a critical person... Many times its a good thing, MOSTof the times it's NOT such a good thing... I'm ESPECIALLY hard on myself... Have been for as long as I can remember. It's always been easier to find something negative about myself... And just keep beating myself up, than to compliment myself or even accept compliments from others...
Today for our "fun time" we'd all planned to go zip lining. At first I was afraid, I was petrified... Lol. Very much worried about my weight and size and etc... But I decided to push thru it all, and go have fun with my friends, despite my worry that I'd be too "big" to play...
Well... We travel up canyons and mountains, hither, thither, and yon' and we all pay our money... Sign our lives away... And get suited up to go zip lining, and my worst fear played out, in front of all my friends.... My harness didn't fit.... I just about fell apart... But then I remembered a sweet moment I had a breakfast...this morning. I was sitting alone in a corner.. Looking out at the city& people watching.. When a really pretty red headed lady came up to me and said that she realized that what she say may come off weirdly, but she wanted to tell me that she thought I was strikingly pretty...
I blushed, thanked her, and went back to doing my thing... All the while thinking of all the reasons what she said to me wasn't true... But how sweet it was that someone would see me... And just say such a sweet thing...
I was so ashamed, sad, embarrassed and a million more feelings.. Then I remembered that sweet lady who went out of her way.. To say something SO kind to me... I had to run off and collect myself for awhile... I was afraid that because of my humiliation, I would cry in front of everyone...
There were thai folks laughing at the fact that harness didnt fit me safely.. My friends were sad for me.. Which embarrassed me further.. But the kind words of a perfect stranger this am.. Stuck with me...
Later it's STILL got me thinking... I should spend more time complimenting friends and strangers alike... Not gratuitously... Sincerely.. Because you never know how much those kind words you say to them may bless them both in that moment, AND later on... When they're just feeling a little low...
Day 6
This am we got to lead worship for the conference. I've STILL not fully wrapped my mind around how free and joyfully folks in the congregation have been worshipping. Many, if not most of the folks attending this conference, teach English in communist countries in Asia. In some cases.. Many of the missionaries here, aren't allowed to do anything BUT teach, and go back to their compound... They're not able to be involved in the cities an towns that surround them... They're simply allowed to go to work... And then return home. They can't mention the name of Jesus openly.. They don't have the BILLIONS of church options that we have in America... They don't have the luxury of saying things like, " I don't like the music at THAT church" or " I don't like the pastors' style of teaching/preaching" They can't complain about the fact that there's too much choral music being sung& not enough praise and worship music.. Or vice versa. They have forsaken all of the luxury of their native land... To go and follow the call of God on their life. Consequently when they come to this yearly conference, they get to worship and pray and sing without restriction! Without having to worry about someone hearing them and turning them into the authorities...
Honestly speaking, I've never been so blessed by a congregation of believers, in all of my life!!
I'm so grateful to God for allowing me to be a part in what's been taking place here... It's been life changing.. In SO many,many, ways...
Tonite at a banquet a young lady said something like, sometimes you have to change who you are, so that you can be who were called to be..
Philippians 3:7-8
"Whatever gain I had, I've counted them as loss for the cause of Christ"...
I'm sitting here, at a banquet amongst about 600 families who have literally forsaken all they ever known as "home", to go into some of the "darkest" of the earth to go and minister to those who don't know him... I'm just about overwhelmed, to the point of tears as I look around and think of it took for these precious people to sell all they had, and raise their money to give their lives, to reach out to those who may have literally NEVER heard of Jesus... Or who may have "heard" of him, but the government in the countries that they live in forbid them from pursuing further knowledge about The Lord...
I'm looking around in this beautiful ballroom we're in, the Shangri-la hotel, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that God allowed me to be present in this moment. I'm thinking of how as a small child I prayed and prayed that God would allow the gifts he'd given me to allow me opportunities like this one... To minister in song in to his people, and I'm blown away that he's allowed me to do just that... I've done NOTHING to deserve this moment... My heart is so full... And we're about to take the stage and lead these incredible missionaries in worship with some of my closest friends.... I'm praying from the bottom of my heart that God do something special for these precious people tonite.... Something that they'll be able to carry with them when days are hard..& they wonder of they did the right thing... I pray that they leave this conference refreshed, loved on, and fueled up for what it is they've been called to do...
A missionary teacher tonite said "There's nothing too great to give up, for what we receive, for our obendience"
No
Travis sang the hymn A Mighty Fortress is Our God tonite. It's one of my favorite hymns of all time... These lyrics pierced my soul tonite, maybe more than ever before, probably becuse of where we are right now...
"Did we in our own strength abide, our battle would be losing, were not the right man on our, the man of God's own choosing...... Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also, the body they may kill, Gods' truth abideth still... His kingdom is forever!"
Day 7
I RODE AN ELEPHANT THRU A RIVER!!!! I let Proctor drive.. I almost killed myself AND the poor sweet, huuuuuuge elephant just learning how to mount it properly... There IS video of this horrid, but invigorating endevour...
Day8
We're on our way to a treehouse resort!! We're gunna see a "rainbow spring", climb a limestone mountain and get to a waterfall... And have all kinds of OTHER fantastic adventures today! I'm still sore from swimming with Dumbo's great grandmama... But it's gunna be AWESOME!!
Day8 continue
I don't think I've ever been more physically pooped than I am at this present moment... I was JUUUUUST about to start mentally whining to myself about how my " this, and that and my waaaa waaaa hurt" JUST nearly needing the "waaaaaa-mbulance" to come and save me and then I stopped for a brief moment and just took in this present moment. Right now, I'm in a wee lil house.. High up in the trees, out in the jungle of Thailand. It's a pretty high and narrow climb, but how many of my friends can say they spent the night in a treehouse village.. In beautiful cottages overlooking a river and the sounds if nature surrounding them? I've got some pretty adventurous friends... But not many have to me of moments like this.... Right before we got to the treehouse a we literally climbed a limestone waterfall... Basically, a wee mountain with a fresh spring running down it... Now, I KNOW that I use the word "wee" quite a bit.... But don't let the word MOUNTAIN escape your observation... At first glance I was tired and whiny, just climbing down the stairs, barefooted, that had been carved into the mountain... But somehow in MY feable mind, it would all be ok.. Because things would tidy up once we got to the foot of the dang thing, and we could look at the remarkable handy work if God, being the waterfall... And THEN I look up.. And my team mates have all began climbing and the daunting reality of what I'd just gotten myself into hit me.... The only way up... That allowed me to maintain just the slightest portion of my dignity, was to get to climbing like the rest if my WEE, healthy, tiny lil team mates were doing.
Mentally I was flipping OUT... Images of being teased in gym class for not being able to climb a rope flooded my head.. The shame of folks watching me try and try again to mount a stinkin' elephant just yesterday, came to mind... The pain of ripping the skin underneath my toes while swimming in the river with the elephants were ALSO a factor in my fear.... But I began to climb... I decided to only look up when absolutely necessary so my mind wouldn't get bogged down with how far I had left to climb... I just found a place to dig my foot into, and a rock that I could pull myself up with... And I went for it.... Everything was going great! It was scary As BUTT, but awesome, with fresh water splashing down the falls into my face.
I was nearly at the very top when all of a sudden I hit a patch of slippery rock, I lost my footing... And began to fall down the mountain. INSTANTLY tears came to my eyes... As well as laughter, once I was assured that I'd not died.... Proctor and Wes came immediately to my aid.. And offered to give me a lift... To push me up the rock further... Then we notice some sweet, country hopping hippy types right behind me and they TOO offer to help me... One was a man, 2 were women who were climbing the limestone waterfall with a decent amount of ease and in flip flops... All were very worried about my welfare... And they even got a tad skiddish themselves when the realized how I'd slipped and how easy it was to do the same thing.... Still laughing through my fear, and utter embarrassment... Eventually my boys helped me navigate my way up the rest of the waterfall... Sweet Wes said.... "I know you think I'm a skinny white boy, but I PROMISE, I won't let you fall"... So with Proctor giving me a bit of a butt shove, my legs I. Some weird spider man configuration And sweet Wes grabbing me by the hand.... I climbed the limestone waterfall....
Of Course I remained ashamed of myself for a long while... I was SO
MAD that what had seemingly been so easy for every one else, had been quite the challenge for me. Once I reached precipice, our sweet tour guide, Mink... Gave me 2thumbs up and told me that it had taken many folks before me, to successfully reach the top on their first try....
I thanked him... But remained flustered on the inside for quite awhile...
Now I'm here in a tree house home... With all manner of nature all around me... And it's starting to dawn on me that this trip has served several purposes in my life.... I've never been shy in declaring what I'd NEVER try or do.... In this one trip alone I've played with tigers, lions, ridden elephants.. Climbed a waterfall, eaten foods that I KNEW would wreck Rashad on my tummy...
With the season that lie ahead of me where so much of what lies ahead for me is unknown and scary... I'll always be able to have a " bethel" moment in mind... And recall when overcame huge friends and insecurities.
I'm also reminded that accepting from someone who's a bit stronger than you.., or in a better position than you are, at the moment... Doesn't make you weak... It actually makes you stronger...
"Hmm... Arsenio Hall said it best... Things that make ya go hmmm..."
I've got much to think on tonite as I asleep to the sounds of huge crickets and tree frogs...
Day 8
I woke up this morning...hardly able to move... My body was sore I a way it's not been in a LOOOONG time... AND... All of the lovely spices of the east began to catch up with me, last nite... So... When I wasn't awakened by what seemed like spider monkeys practicing for some big show... My tummy woke me up with great zeal and gusto..., I did not partake in going to see yet another spring this morning, which was the orginal plan.,, because I was scared of what my tummy would do to me. This am I had toast and garlic rice.... Oh and cereal.... And then we said our good byes to the amazingly sweet spirited family's who ran the resort, and we headed back fl Chiang Mai. I packed, showered and enjoyed my last the massage, which I give ALL CREDIT.. To the reason why I can move a limb without a tear coming to my eye...
In jumped on a plane.., to Bangkok this evening... And I fly to Tokyo tomorrow at 5am... And then to JFK, and then to Orlando...
God is SO faithful to me. He used every bit of what I experienced in Thailand to change my point of view on a view things and give me courage for the weeks to come... I remember when I was young, ( a kid) wishing that I had some INCREDIBLE testimony about how God had delivered me from this and that,., so that be could get abosolutley glory From my life... I had no idea that. some of my story would include Buddhist temples, laying with lions or swimming with elephants...but it had been beyond anything i could have e ever dreamed for myself...
Tomorrow am at 3 I go to the airport and prepare for about he 20 hrs or so of flying and then it's back to my "usual" life for a few more weeks.. My last day at Disney is march 13th and then it's all in Gods hands from there... I'm excited about what lies Before me... Yet I've got peace like crazy... Because I know that God has had is mighty hand all up i my junk since I as small... It's fully I his hands now? God bless the ministers who have given up EVERYTHING to follow Gods plan for their lives...i Wishing To be THAT BOLDEN 0!3 day.... In Tthe mean time.. Fall out .., 3am Will be bree momentatily!!! Ciao for now!!
Lici
I'm flying home now.. A process which started yesterday nite with me leaving Chiang Mai, for Bangkok. Once in Bangkok, I spent the night at a Novotel.., a hotel basically connected to the airport... I left my hotel room at3:15 am for a 5:55 am flight to Narita( tokyo) from Tokyo I fly to New York... This flight is about 13 hrs... And then finally home, back to Orlando. Back to my reality.
Who knew that it would take meeting missionaries from all across the world.. Laying with tigers, riding and swimming with elephants, and staying in a treehouse built higher than high in a tree in the middle of the jungle for me to be ready what lies ahead of me in the weeks to come. I've got to move, AGAIN... Making thins 3xs in a twelve month period... In order to try and save a little cash... Since my "normal" job end march 13th... I've got to go home, face my NORMAL challenges.., AND somehow find the money for movers... And get packed and ready to go by march 1st... I've got responsibilities at Disney and at church... I've got man to love and take care of.. Which is no chore... But coupled with some of my physical issues that I've not been able to get a handle on during my time with health insurance, has proven challenging....
Yet and still I feel like in the light of the stories I've heard and the remarkable people I've met.... I've truly got nothing to be fussy about. Sure sometimes by body hurts so bad, it causes me to burst into immediate tears and the only things that I can do is hold on to the hand on my incredible boyfriend and best friend... And litterally whisper the name Jesus... Until some of the pain subsides just a little...
But soon I'll be back at my church where I can openly cry out to The Lord in worship, and many times in the midst of my pain... Without having to worry about the police coming to take me away. I can even talk about my feelings on God and religion without much worry...
I can walk up to a local stranger, converse with them, and offer to pray with them in Jesus name... Anywhere I please...
The same God who billions, or thousands of years ago, depending on your creationism beliefs.... Created the mountains and the rivers and allowed time to go past so that eventually i could literally climb a waterfall with just my bare hands and feet.... Is the same God who created those MASSIVE BEASTS... The elephants and have them the intellect to be trained by tiny people who dwarf them in size.., and allow them to ride them, feed them, pet them, kiss and love on them..
Is the same God who is in control of my destiny!! He's not phased by my constant worries about how this bill or that bill will be paid, or how things will come together for me in life... But Loves me enough to allow me to cast all often cares in him!!
He loves me SO much that he allowed me to witness and touch things with my own hands and eyes that I'd only read about in books or watched documentaries on, on television...
I KNOW that he loves me. He's shown me much over the past few days.... I plan to spend the rest oft life showing him how grateful i am for all that he's done for me... My whole life long!!!
Thank you to ALL of you who gave in any sort of way.., so that I could go to one of the farthest corners of the earth and be reminded why i love Jesus like I do... And why I've dedicated my to serving both he, and his people... I'm any way he'll allow me to!!
I will NEVER forget all that I've experienced!! For The rest or my days!!
Day1/2
Orlando-Detroit (met up with the team)
Detroit-Tokyo
Tokyo-Bangkok
Layover at Novotel in Bangkok
Was greeted in Bangkok by a temple that was right across our exit ramp into the airport.. Of COURSE I took a picture of it..
Awoke next am.. Had breakfast
Flew from Bangkok to Chang Mai .
At the hotel in Bangkok.. There were several HUUUGE statues of some god.. Not sure which one.. I of course photo 'd that as well.
1. At the hotel they asked if I wanted a smoking or non smoking room... I asked for non smoking.. I entered the room which was trendy and BEAUTIFUL and was greeted by renuzit and cigarette smoke.. So it dawned on me that the REAL question asked was if I wanted a room that still had a smoker sulking quietly in a corner of the room puffing away...OR. If I wanted a room that no one had smoked in, within a few hours of my checkin..
I've been surprised to see a few other blacks on this journey.. From Tokyo to Thailand... None of them so FAR have been American.. But black just the same...
I noticed in Japan how quiet people were in public places.. At the gate in Bangkok.. I felt like I should have brought a book with me, and had some homework to do... you could hear a rat pee on cotton it was so quiet... With the exception of toddlers or babies... Even the tv's at the gate were silent... You could LITERALLY WATCH TV... And that's all... No noise...
So.. We're on the last flight of our journey.. And I can't even remember the time difference.. At one point it was 13hrs.. At another 11... I'll figure it out before I get back to the states... SO glad to be part of this trip!!
Though I'm so sleepy I have no CLUE how I'll fare the rest of the day.. It's beautiful here.. I can't wait to get some sight seeing in after we minister! I wanna ride and elephant!!
I can't believe it's NOT Buddherr
Day2 cont'
We hit the ground running... I was under the impression that we'd fly into town and IMMEDIATELY get to working... To my wonderment and later my sheer bewilderment (because of the jet lag) today was just a day where our good friend Stephen Proctor showed us all around the town of Chiang Mai... It's a BUSY bustling city, and in same ways reminded me of some of the cities I visited in Japan a while back... A little over a year ago... The streets were busy, folks of all nationalities bustled about.. The Thai drive on the opposite side of the road like Brits.... So just staying out of the way and not being run over by a motor hike, 10 speed, tick tack as I call 'em for now because their real name always eludes me... Tik tock??? Yuk yuk... Tick-yack... I dunno... Basically wee lil' taxi's.....
We had breakfast in Bangkok, caught our plane, and then we went to eat.....
I, of COURSE was scared about what would happen to my tummy in the wake of my 1st Thai meal... It was wonderful
I think one of my FAVORITE moments about today, was visiting the oldest temple in Chiang Mai... There we walked the lovely grounds and even got the chance to go in and look inside of the temples... They're incredibly beautiful... Me being the history junkie that I am... It was hard for me NOT to walk around with my mouth agape... One of the temples we saw was the oldest in the city.. Being built in 800 BE (which I'm thinking means before enlightenment... But it definately has to do with the time that Buddha died)
After touring the temple sites, Proctor took us to an area where Monks sit and talk with tourists... It's called Monk Chat.. They like to improve their English speaking skills as well as answer questions that we may have about their culture and religion.. We spoke with a young monk from Laos, named Olay. He was a gentle soul and spoke very good English... We asked him questions, he asked us questions.. And before it was all done I'd been asked to sing both Whitney Houston's version of I Will Always Love You AND Hero, by Mariah Carey.... Of course I SUCKED in my opinion... I can't explain how nervous I get when asked to sing on the spot... You'd think I'd be used to it by now... But alas, I ain't!!
We told him that in America, Travis is a rock star and thru a series of events, Travis played his incredible song from his most recent cd "when the stars burn down" called "Thanks be to Our God"... Olay listened intently and then we all began to sing the chorus together... For Olay.. " hallelujah, everlasting songs will rise, for all you've done.. Hallelujah, hallelujah, thanks be to our God"...
I thought I would burst into tears... My heart was So Full from the entire experience. As a monk Olay lives a very disciplined lifestyle.. But he shared with us that even though he has been a monk for 10 yrs and plans to remain one for about 2yrs more... Once his studies are finished, he had the liberty to become christian, Muslim, or any other religion he chose, because Buddhism at its core is more of an ideology than a religion... He also stated that he believed he'd remained Buddhist... But WE believe and pray that his heart would turn towards The Lord Jesus Christ.
Well... All of the emotion quickly turned to hilarity.. When one of our team members asked Olay, who "Buddherr" was... Because he'd noticed at times that Olay would say Buddha, and other times because of his accent, he's say Buddherr.. Like (boot 'er ) IMMEDIATELY everyone in team fell apart... While trying to remain respectful and not make Olay uncomfortable...
Needless to say for the REST of the day... Buddherr this and Buddherr that was said as often as possible...
Later after dinner as we all climbed into the back of our taxi with was basically a truck with benches on the inside that had no closure on it... I yelled out " I can't believe it's not Buddherr!!" Being that around THAT time according to our bodies it was 10 am... Or 11, but 10-11pm thai time... We all were BEYOND silly... We laughed and cracked jokes all the way back to our hotel... And finally went to our rooms to sleep.
I will NEVER, EVER forget the memories made today... I've wanted to go to Thailand for as long as I can remember.. Today I saw things that previously i'd only read about in encyclopedias and watched documentaries on, on TV...
As I walked and talked today and took pictures of just about EVERYTHING I could see... I was in awe at the faithfulness of God...
Indeed... Thanks be to Our God....
Day 3 in Chiang Mai.
This am... Jet lag hit me like an 18 wheeler... I woke up early and had breakfast, but pretty much fell asleep while trying to eat it.. So I schlepped back to my room & slept until I couldn't sleep any longer.....
This afternoon Proctor took us to a cute lil' American style restaurant.. We ate and had a good time.. After lunch he told us that we were going back to the hotel, and jumping into a taxi and heading to some unknown location, where a surprise awaited us. Now... Let it be said that my dear sweet friend Stephen Proctor is a WILD, WILD, world traveling adventurous man.... He's stayed in villages in the amazon, he's been to Dubai more times than I can count... There is pretty much NOTHING that the boy would NOT do.. So, when HE says that he's got a surprise... There's a bit of you that wonders if by following him... You've signed your life away... At any rate we all hopped in the van, and headed on a 20 min journey to a place called TIRE KINGDOM!! Long story short.. We spent the afternoon inside of several "lions dens" we had the most amazing experiences of petting, and playing with Bengal tires of various sizes.. At the beginning of our time at Tire Kingdom, we were given the chance to choose which tigers we wanted to frolic with...
Many folks who know me would be shocked to know what a "dare devil" I can be at times...because they're more familiar with hearing me spout off about what I'm NOT gon' do..
Well... I was one of the folks in our group who chose to coddle the sweet lil' infant tiger cubs.. AND the ones that when you got near them, you immediately felt BEYOND small...
It was an amazing experience. We laid down next to them, we held their tails and their paws...
We started off with the babies and the worked our way up to the massive...fully grown ones...
Tomorrow we're SUPPOSED to be renting motor bikes and riding up to the top of a mountain..
Every day has been an adventure... AND the schedule of each day has been kept "secret"... I can't help but think about the journey that's ahead of me... I'm expecting great things, but I don't really have a CLUE of all of the adventures that await me... I'm the type that kinda wants to know what's going on... I actually like to be in CONTROL of my days... Rarely do I get to be "the boss of me" but the thing is that, if I were the one in control... I'd miss out on All of the amazing adventures God has in store ....
I am SO overwhelmed and feeling about 900 hundred varying emotions... But now, more than ever... I'm excited about the journey!!
Day 4...
This am we lead worship in service for the members and teachers of the organization that brought us here... The spirit of The Lord has been sooo thick as worship has gone on.... Being able to lead folks in worship who have given up their lives to go to all of the corners of the earth, teaching English in schools and universities... For the sake of the gospel..
One would think that when a person abandons all that is familiar to them, that there would be some sort of protection granted to them... Keeping them from the heartache of astounding loss... But we KNOW that's not the case. This very morning we heard the testimony of a very young couple who experienced tremendous loss in the course of a year.... The husband's mom and grand mom both lost their jobs.. The wife's grandfather died unexpectedly.. And THEN to top it all off... They miscarried their 1st baby. The mother was in painful labor for 10days before the process of the miscarriage was finished.... All while in china, far removed from family, and familiarity... Sometimes the journey that we've been called to is ridden with pain, heartache, and many things that are almost way more than we can take....
Im reminded this morning that its in our weakness that Christ is made strong... We don't have to worry about carrying the heavy load of life alone... Though we may feel like we're going to crumble because of the pain in our hearts and sometimes even physical pain in our bodies... Our help, hope, healing, both emotional and physical, is in Christ our Savior...
I don't know if I've ever felt more honored to lead a congregation of believers... Nor more encouraged to push through whatever is ahead...
We sang a song this morning in worship that says " oh my God. He will not delay, my refuge and strength always.. I will NOT fear, his promise is true, my God WILL come thru... Always".....
How true those words.... how true.
Scripture says "He renews our strength like eagles" meaning he gives us new zest and vigor, strength for the path e's set for us!! I believe I'm going to return back to Orlando renewed, refreshed, and energized for what is ahead of me, in Jesus name!!
Psalms 103:19-22
Day 4 cont... We climbed a mtn to see one of the largest temples in Thailand.. And I closed out the day by having a thai foot massage with my friend from college Johnny Moore!! God is GREAT!!
Day 5
I was challenged by my friend Angela Cottrell, Travis's wife, to speak life and blessings over my body.. She ALSO told me that I needed to forgive my body.. For all that's happened... I.E. gaining back all the weight I spent so much time losing.
Before Ieft for Thailand I was talking with another friend who basically said the same thing... I'm a critical person... Many times its a good thing, MOSTof the times it's NOT such a good thing... I'm ESPECIALLY hard on myself... Have been for as long as I can remember. It's always been easier to find something negative about myself... And just keep beating myself up, than to compliment myself or even accept compliments from others...
Today for our "fun time" we'd all planned to go zip lining. At first I was afraid, I was petrified... Lol. Very much worried about my weight and size and etc... But I decided to push thru it all, and go have fun with my friends, despite my worry that I'd be too "big" to play...
Well... We travel up canyons and mountains, hither, thither, and yon' and we all pay our money... Sign our lives away... And get suited up to go zip lining, and my worst fear played out, in front of all my friends.... My harness didn't fit.... I just about fell apart... But then I remembered a sweet moment I had a breakfast...this morning. I was sitting alone in a corner.. Looking out at the city& people watching.. When a really pretty red headed lady came up to me and said that she realized that what she say may come off weirdly, but she wanted to tell me that she thought I was strikingly pretty...
I blushed, thanked her, and went back to doing my thing... All the while thinking of all the reasons what she said to me wasn't true... But how sweet it was that someone would see me... And just say such a sweet thing...
I was so ashamed, sad, embarrassed and a million more feelings.. Then I remembered that sweet lady who went out of her way.. To say something SO kind to me... I had to run off and collect myself for awhile... I was afraid that because of my humiliation, I would cry in front of everyone...
There were thai folks laughing at the fact that harness didnt fit me safely.. My friends were sad for me.. Which embarrassed me further.. But the kind words of a perfect stranger this am.. Stuck with me...
Later it's STILL got me thinking... I should spend more time complimenting friends and strangers alike... Not gratuitously... Sincerely.. Because you never know how much those kind words you say to them may bless them both in that moment, AND later on... When they're just feeling a little low...
Day 6
This am we got to lead worship for the conference. I've STILL not fully wrapped my mind around how free and joyfully folks in the congregation have been worshipping. Many, if not most of the folks attending this conference, teach English in communist countries in Asia. In some cases.. Many of the missionaries here, aren't allowed to do anything BUT teach, and go back to their compound... They're not able to be involved in the cities an towns that surround them... They're simply allowed to go to work... And then return home. They can't mention the name of Jesus openly.. They don't have the BILLIONS of church options that we have in America... They don't have the luxury of saying things like, " I don't like the music at THAT church" or " I don't like the pastors' style of teaching/preaching" They can't complain about the fact that there's too much choral music being sung& not enough praise and worship music.. Or vice versa. They have forsaken all of the luxury of their native land... To go and follow the call of God on their life. Consequently when they come to this yearly conference, they get to worship and pray and sing without restriction! Without having to worry about someone hearing them and turning them into the authorities...
Honestly speaking, I've never been so blessed by a congregation of believers, in all of my life!!
I'm so grateful to God for allowing me to be a part in what's been taking place here... It's been life changing.. In SO many,many, ways...
Tonite at a banquet a young lady said something like, sometimes you have to change who you are, so that you can be who were called to be..
Philippians 3:7-8
"Whatever gain I had, I've counted them as loss for the cause of Christ"...
I'm sitting here, at a banquet amongst about 600 families who have literally forsaken all they ever known as "home", to go into some of the "darkest" of the earth to go and minister to those who don't know him... I'm just about overwhelmed, to the point of tears as I look around and think of it took for these precious people to sell all they had, and raise their money to give their lives, to reach out to those who may have literally NEVER heard of Jesus... Or who may have "heard" of him, but the government in the countries that they live in forbid them from pursuing further knowledge about The Lord...
I'm looking around in this beautiful ballroom we're in, the Shangri-la hotel, trying to wrap my mind around the fact that God allowed me to be present in this moment. I'm thinking of how as a small child I prayed and prayed that God would allow the gifts he'd given me to allow me opportunities like this one... To minister in song in to his people, and I'm blown away that he's allowed me to do just that... I've done NOTHING to deserve this moment... My heart is so full... And we're about to take the stage and lead these incredible missionaries in worship with some of my closest friends.... I'm praying from the bottom of my heart that God do something special for these precious people tonite.... Something that they'll be able to carry with them when days are hard..& they wonder of they did the right thing... I pray that they leave this conference refreshed, loved on, and fueled up for what it is they've been called to do...
A missionary teacher tonite said "There's nothing too great to give up, for what we receive, for our obendience"
No
Travis sang the hymn A Mighty Fortress is Our God tonite. It's one of my favorite hymns of all time... These lyrics pierced my soul tonite, maybe more than ever before, probably becuse of where we are right now...
"Did we in our own strength abide, our battle would be losing, were not the right man on our, the man of God's own choosing...... Let goods and kindred go, this mortal life also, the body they may kill, Gods' truth abideth still... His kingdom is forever!"
Day 7
I RODE AN ELEPHANT THRU A RIVER!!!! I let Proctor drive.. I almost killed myself AND the poor sweet, huuuuuuge elephant just learning how to mount it properly... There IS video of this horrid, but invigorating endevour...
Day8
We're on our way to a treehouse resort!! We're gunna see a "rainbow spring", climb a limestone mountain and get to a waterfall... And have all kinds of OTHER fantastic adventures today! I'm still sore from swimming with Dumbo's great grandmama... But it's gunna be AWESOME!!
Day8 continue
I don't think I've ever been more physically pooped than I am at this present moment... I was JUUUUUST about to start mentally whining to myself about how my " this, and that and my waaaa waaaa hurt" JUST nearly needing the "waaaaaa-mbulance" to come and save me and then I stopped for a brief moment and just took in this present moment. Right now, I'm in a wee lil house.. High up in the trees, out in the jungle of Thailand. It's a pretty high and narrow climb, but how many of my friends can say they spent the night in a treehouse village.. In beautiful cottages overlooking a river and the sounds if nature surrounding them? I've got some pretty adventurous friends... But not many have to me of moments like this.... Right before we got to the treehouse a we literally climbed a limestone waterfall... Basically, a wee mountain with a fresh spring running down it... Now, I KNOW that I use the word "wee" quite a bit.... But don't let the word MOUNTAIN escape your observation... At first glance I was tired and whiny, just climbing down the stairs, barefooted, that had been carved into the mountain... But somehow in MY feable mind, it would all be ok.. Because things would tidy up once we got to the foot of the dang thing, and we could look at the remarkable handy work if God, being the waterfall... And THEN I look up.. And my team mates have all began climbing and the daunting reality of what I'd just gotten myself into hit me.... The only way up... That allowed me to maintain just the slightest portion of my dignity, was to get to climbing like the rest if my WEE, healthy, tiny lil team mates were doing.
Mentally I was flipping OUT... Images of being teased in gym class for not being able to climb a rope flooded my head.. The shame of folks watching me try and try again to mount a stinkin' elephant just yesterday, came to mind... The pain of ripping the skin underneath my toes while swimming in the river with the elephants were ALSO a factor in my fear.... But I began to climb... I decided to only look up when absolutely necessary so my mind wouldn't get bogged down with how far I had left to climb... I just found a place to dig my foot into, and a rock that I could pull myself up with... And I went for it.... Everything was going great! It was scary As BUTT, but awesome, with fresh water splashing down the falls into my face.
I was nearly at the very top when all of a sudden I hit a patch of slippery rock, I lost my footing... And began to fall down the mountain. INSTANTLY tears came to my eyes... As well as laughter, once I was assured that I'd not died.... Proctor and Wes came immediately to my aid.. And offered to give me a lift... To push me up the rock further... Then we notice some sweet, country hopping hippy types right behind me and they TOO offer to help me... One was a man, 2 were women who were climbing the limestone waterfall with a decent amount of ease and in flip flops... All were very worried about my welfare... And they even got a tad skiddish themselves when the realized how I'd slipped and how easy it was to do the same thing.... Still laughing through my fear, and utter embarrassment... Eventually my boys helped me navigate my way up the rest of the waterfall... Sweet Wes said.... "I know you think I'm a skinny white boy, but I PROMISE, I won't let you fall"... So with Proctor giving me a bit of a butt shove, my legs I. Some weird spider man configuration And sweet Wes grabbing me by the hand.... I climbed the limestone waterfall....
Of Course I remained ashamed of myself for a long while... I was SO
MAD that what had seemingly been so easy for every one else, had been quite the challenge for me. Once I reached precipice, our sweet tour guide, Mink... Gave me 2thumbs up and told me that it had taken many folks before me, to successfully reach the top on their first try....
I thanked him... But remained flustered on the inside for quite awhile...
Now I'm here in a tree house home... With all manner of nature all around me... And it's starting to dawn on me that this trip has served several purposes in my life.... I've never been shy in declaring what I'd NEVER try or do.... In this one trip alone I've played with tigers, lions, ridden elephants.. Climbed a waterfall, eaten foods that I KNEW would wreck Rashad on my tummy...
With the season that lie ahead of me where so much of what lies ahead for me is unknown and scary... I'll always be able to have a " bethel" moment in mind... And recall when overcame huge friends and insecurities.
I'm also reminded that accepting from someone who's a bit stronger than you.., or in a better position than you are, at the moment... Doesn't make you weak... It actually makes you stronger...
"Hmm... Arsenio Hall said it best... Things that make ya go hmmm..."
I've got much to think on tonite as I asleep to the sounds of huge crickets and tree frogs...
Day 8
I woke up this morning...hardly able to move... My body was sore I a way it's not been in a LOOOONG time... AND... All of the lovely spices of the east began to catch up with me, last nite... So... When I wasn't awakened by what seemed like spider monkeys practicing for some big show... My tummy woke me up with great zeal and gusto..., I did not partake in going to see yet another spring this morning, which was the orginal plan.,, because I was scared of what my tummy would do to me. This am I had toast and garlic rice.... Oh and cereal.... And then we said our good byes to the amazingly sweet spirited family's who ran the resort, and we headed back fl Chiang Mai. I packed, showered and enjoyed my last the massage, which I give ALL CREDIT.. To the reason why I can move a limb without a tear coming to my eye...
In jumped on a plane.., to Bangkok this evening... And I fly to Tokyo tomorrow at 5am... And then to JFK, and then to Orlando...
God is SO faithful to me. He used every bit of what I experienced in Thailand to change my point of view on a view things and give me courage for the weeks to come... I remember when I was young, ( a kid) wishing that I had some INCREDIBLE testimony about how God had delivered me from this and that,., so that be could get abosolutley glory From my life... I had no idea that. some of my story would include Buddhist temples, laying with lions or swimming with elephants...but it had been beyond anything i could have e ever dreamed for myself...
Tomorrow am at 3 I go to the airport and prepare for about he 20 hrs or so of flying and then it's back to my "usual" life for a few more weeks.. My last day at Disney is march 13th and then it's all in Gods hands from there... I'm excited about what lies Before me... Yet I've got peace like crazy... Because I know that God has had is mighty hand all up i my junk since I as small... It's fully I his hands now? God bless the ministers who have given up EVERYTHING to follow Gods plan for their lives...i Wishing To be THAT BOLDEN 0!3 day.... In Tthe mean time.. Fall out .., 3am Will be bree momentatily!!! Ciao for now!!
Lici
I'm flying home now.. A process which started yesterday nite with me leaving Chiang Mai, for Bangkok. Once in Bangkok, I spent the night at a Novotel.., a hotel basically connected to the airport... I left my hotel room at3:15 am for a 5:55 am flight to Narita( tokyo) from Tokyo I fly to New York... This flight is about 13 hrs... And then finally home, back to Orlando. Back to my reality.
Who knew that it would take meeting missionaries from all across the world.. Laying with tigers, riding and swimming with elephants, and staying in a treehouse built higher than high in a tree in the middle of the jungle for me to be ready what lies ahead of me in the weeks to come. I've got to move, AGAIN... Making thins 3xs in a twelve month period... In order to try and save a little cash... Since my "normal" job end march 13th... I've got to go home, face my NORMAL challenges.., AND somehow find the money for movers... And get packed and ready to go by march 1st... I've got responsibilities at Disney and at church... I've got man to love and take care of.. Which is no chore... But coupled with some of my physical issues that I've not been able to get a handle on during my time with health insurance, has proven challenging....
Yet and still I feel like in the light of the stories I've heard and the remarkable people I've met.... I've truly got nothing to be fussy about. Sure sometimes by body hurts so bad, it causes me to burst into immediate tears and the only things that I can do is hold on to the hand on my incredible boyfriend and best friend... And litterally whisper the name Jesus... Until some of the pain subsides just a little...
But soon I'll be back at my church where I can openly cry out to The Lord in worship, and many times in the midst of my pain... Without having to worry about the police coming to take me away. I can even talk about my feelings on God and religion without much worry...
I can walk up to a local stranger, converse with them, and offer to pray with them in Jesus name... Anywhere I please...
The same God who billions, or thousands of years ago, depending on your creationism beliefs.... Created the mountains and the rivers and allowed time to go past so that eventually i could literally climb a waterfall with just my bare hands and feet.... Is the same God who created those MASSIVE BEASTS... The elephants and have them the intellect to be trained by tiny people who dwarf them in size.., and allow them to ride them, feed them, pet them, kiss and love on them..
Is the same God who is in control of my destiny!! He's not phased by my constant worries about how this bill or that bill will be paid, or how things will come together for me in life... But Loves me enough to allow me to cast all often cares in him!!
He loves me SO much that he allowed me to witness and touch things with my own hands and eyes that I'd only read about in books or watched documentaries on, on television...
I KNOW that he loves me. He's shown me much over the past few days.... I plan to spend the rest oft life showing him how grateful i am for all that he's done for me... My whole life long!!!
Thank you to ALL of you who gave in any sort of way.., so that I could go to one of the farthest corners of the earth and be reminded why i love Jesus like I do... And why I've dedicated my to serving both he, and his people... I'm any way he'll allow me to!!
I will NEVER forget all that I've experienced!! For The rest or my days!!
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Operation NO Mastication- My Juicing Journey
I should have KNOWN this day would come. I've had health nut after health nut, friend, family member, and stranger telling me for the LONGEST time about the WONDER and MAJESTY of juicing....or being on a raw food diet, or vegan. To be honest, I never had to worry much about my weight as a child. As a matter of fact, I was a SKINNY..skinny lil' thing... TOO skinny in my opinion... All of the boys at school liked the girls with curves...YOU know.. thick legs, and BIG OL BOOTY... I looked something like a capital P... very..VERY uh... Blessed up top, but.. CURS(ed) in the Cushion... and that was just something I learned to live with as an adolescent youth...
I wasn't too far into my teenage years when my family and I learned that I had some reproductive/girlie drama...Fibroids to be exact.. At the the time..as with now, the Drs suggested being on birth control to try to keep the fibroids from growing or further producing... Coming from the SHEEE KAH MO SHAAANDAH Apostolic background I'd come from...it still tickles me, when I think about the conversation that my mom and I had about her reservations with me being on Birth Control at such a young age....However, surgery was the other option, and that could jepordize my chances of having children naturally when I got older, so we rolled with it...
By the time I was a senior in high school, though still "skinny" I'd thickened up a little bit. And by the time I began my freshman year in college, I experienced my first MAJOR heartbreak, when my then boyfriend... WHO by they way, had gotten my name and our favorite scripture tatooed on his chest (on the rib... because he wanted to let me know that... he'd found his rib....Uh..MAYBE he was thinkin' bout the kind ya bbq) broke up with me, randomly... He later cited that I had put on some weight...and that he wasn't AS attracted to me anymore... he INSISTED (lied) and said that he hadn't cheated on me YET, but because of my size... he was afraid that he would..... I was a size 8-10 at the time....
SOOOO the years went on, GREAT things happened, TERRIBLE things happened, And just a few years ago, I looked up, and I nearly weighed 300 lbs.... I, SICKENED with myself, and determined to change the things about myself that I had control over...went on a SERIOUS health kick, worked out nearly every day, changed the way I ate...and lost 80-90lbs in a year and a half....
MORE time went on and MORE great and terrible things happened, and I FOUND almost ALL of what I'd worked SOOOO hard to lose. Also as time went on I'd become more and more dependent on prescription drugs to be a quick fix, to "CURE what AILED me"... At one time I was probably on 8-10 different medications.... I had meds for my insomnia, blood pressure, migraines, CRAMPS, anxiety...you NAME it...
Its time for me to wrap this story up- Last week, I found myself in the hospital... one of the craziest, most scary moments in my lilfe... the reason.. THREE of the 4 medicines I was taking, prescribed by my doctor... caused my body, mind, and everything in betwixt to go BONKERS... The result, after being poked, prodded, scanned, stuck, "SQUOZE", and EKG'D... was the suggestion by the holistic dr I'd recently been seeing to go on a 21 day juicing cleanse and detox... to "re-set" my body, and to begin to deal with things from a more "natural" stand point....
Though a bit skiddish of the full idea of what it was going to mean to JUICE everything I ate... I remembered how hard I worked when I was ready to get my body healthy and lose weight years ago and I decided that I had NO other choice... I felt like crap, In MY mind, I LOOKED like crap, and my body was telling me that their was a whole lot of CRAP going on, within that needed to be dealt with... And SO... I'm all in... AND I pretty much HATE...EVERYONE!!! It's WILD how all of this is going. I was warned that the first few days of the process would be the WORST.. I'd feel sick, and tired, and have head aches and wanna run people over while driving... But that didn't sound TOO terribly different from how I NORMALLY felt.....
HONEY...let me tell you!!! It is only day THREE.... and today I woke up feeling so tired, and miserable that it took EVERYTHING IN ME, to get up and go to work..... UNFORTUNATELY having been in the hospital and having FEET&LEGS too HUGE to fit any of my normal clothes and shoes...I was unable to work... and MAMA ain't got no SICK days on the job yet so... in MY case the old addage "a closed mouth don't get fed" is the TRUTH... Losing over a weeks pay is dern near devastating for me... and really for MOST of us, so Despite the fact that I had chills,and literally felt like death warmed over.... I Schleppt into work.... And i'm glad I did...
I LOVE my job, and I LOVE the music that we get to create daily, and so even though in between our 7 sets I felt like I'd been hit by a 18-wheeler.. AND the fact that one of my fellow cast members brought in a yummy smelling pastry for the group to share, that I had to pass on for my....YARD SMOOTHIE CONCOCTION.... Going to work took my mind of my lack of mastication misery.
I've been told that SOON i'll have SOOOO much energy and feel SOOO incredible.... those of you who know me well, can just about imagine my response to all that "gleeful....glibbery"... All I know is that I have things to do... Hospitilization because of possible mini strokes, or heart failure, is NOT on the list of what I've got and WANT to do... However, living IN and FOR my divine purpose IS... and SO... Here we go!!
Operation NO Mastication has begun... and I can not WAIT until it's OVER!! LOL
I wasn't too far into my teenage years when my family and I learned that I had some reproductive/girlie drama...Fibroids to be exact.. At the the time..as with now, the Drs suggested being on birth control to try to keep the fibroids from growing or further producing... Coming from the SHEEE KAH MO SHAAANDAH Apostolic background I'd come from...it still tickles me, when I think about the conversation that my mom and I had about her reservations with me being on Birth Control at such a young age....However, surgery was the other option, and that could jepordize my chances of having children naturally when I got older, so we rolled with it...
By the time I was a senior in high school, though still "skinny" I'd thickened up a little bit. And by the time I began my freshman year in college, I experienced my first MAJOR heartbreak, when my then boyfriend... WHO by they way, had gotten my name and our favorite scripture tatooed on his chest (on the rib... because he wanted to let me know that... he'd found his rib....Uh..MAYBE he was thinkin' bout the kind ya bbq) broke up with me, randomly... He later cited that I had put on some weight...and that he wasn't AS attracted to me anymore... he INSISTED (lied) and said that he hadn't cheated on me YET, but because of my size... he was afraid that he would..... I was a size 8-10 at the time....
SOOOO the years went on, GREAT things happened, TERRIBLE things happened, And just a few years ago, I looked up, and I nearly weighed 300 lbs.... I, SICKENED with myself, and determined to change the things about myself that I had control over...went on a SERIOUS health kick, worked out nearly every day, changed the way I ate...and lost 80-90lbs in a year and a half....
MORE time went on and MORE great and terrible things happened, and I FOUND almost ALL of what I'd worked SOOOO hard to lose. Also as time went on I'd become more and more dependent on prescription drugs to be a quick fix, to "CURE what AILED me"... At one time I was probably on 8-10 different medications.... I had meds for my insomnia, blood pressure, migraines, CRAMPS, anxiety...you NAME it...
Its time for me to wrap this story up- Last week, I found myself in the hospital... one of the craziest, most scary moments in my lilfe... the reason.. THREE of the 4 medicines I was taking, prescribed by my doctor... caused my body, mind, and everything in betwixt to go BONKERS... The result, after being poked, prodded, scanned, stuck, "SQUOZE", and EKG'D... was the suggestion by the holistic dr I'd recently been seeing to go on a 21 day juicing cleanse and detox... to "re-set" my body, and to begin to deal with things from a more "natural" stand point....
Though a bit skiddish of the full idea of what it was going to mean to JUICE everything I ate... I remembered how hard I worked when I was ready to get my body healthy and lose weight years ago and I decided that I had NO other choice... I felt like crap, In MY mind, I LOOKED like crap, and my body was telling me that their was a whole lot of CRAP going on, within that needed to be dealt with... And SO... I'm all in... AND I pretty much HATE...EVERYONE!!! It's WILD how all of this is going. I was warned that the first few days of the process would be the WORST.. I'd feel sick, and tired, and have head aches and wanna run people over while driving... But that didn't sound TOO terribly different from how I NORMALLY felt.....
HONEY...let me tell you!!! It is only day THREE.... and today I woke up feeling so tired, and miserable that it took EVERYTHING IN ME, to get up and go to work..... UNFORTUNATELY having been in the hospital and having FEET&LEGS too HUGE to fit any of my normal clothes and shoes...I was unable to work... and MAMA ain't got no SICK days on the job yet so... in MY case the old addage "a closed mouth don't get fed" is the TRUTH... Losing over a weeks pay is dern near devastating for me... and really for MOST of us, so Despite the fact that I had chills,and literally felt like death warmed over.... I Schleppt into work.... And i'm glad I did...
I LOVE my job, and I LOVE the music that we get to create daily, and so even though in between our 7 sets I felt like I'd been hit by a 18-wheeler.. AND the fact that one of my fellow cast members brought in a yummy smelling pastry for the group to share, that I had to pass on for my....YARD SMOOTHIE CONCOCTION.... Going to work took my mind of my lack of mastication misery.
I've been told that SOON i'll have SOOOO much energy and feel SOOO incredible.... those of you who know me well, can just about imagine my response to all that "gleeful....glibbery"... All I know is that I have things to do... Hospitilization because of possible mini strokes, or heart failure, is NOT on the list of what I've got and WANT to do... However, living IN and FOR my divine purpose IS... and SO... Here we go!!
Operation NO Mastication has begun... and I can not WAIT until it's OVER!! LOL
Friday, July 6, 2012
The Clark Sisters said it best. "the darkest hour's just before the day"
That amazing song goes on to say "dont you be discouraged don't you be dismayed".... Ah, THAT. Its SOOOO much easier to sing about "weeping enduring for the night, and JOOOOOOOOOY *pentecostal preacher grunt implied*,coming in the morning. But what happens when your night feels like a polar night season in Alaska where it's just flat out dark outside, looking like midnite, all day every day?? STILL much easier to sing ourselves happy in our cars, or in our homes while getting dressed for the day. We'll bop our head along to music with such encouraging matters... but when that breaking point hits, and you realize that you've had JUST about all the "dark" season as you're gonna be able to take, what then??
I've never had the honor of giving birth to a child. I feel like i've got about 15 kids, the way my heart attaches itself to the children of the friends that I know and love. Im the proud aunt of 4girls and the GMama (God mother) of one precious boy named Jackson, whom i never see enough...or keep in touch with....I'm a pretty sucky friend and aunt, now that I THINK about it...hahaha.... But I digress. I've been present at several of the births of my friends kids....It's a HARD, HARSH, process....but all of these FOOL mother friends of mine keep turning around and having MORE children...KNOWING the pain that they'll have to endure, because in the end, it's WORTH it. The pain, the crying, the anger...the swelling, the HATE of God and man that comes,fleetingly throughout the pregnancy....All worth it... and sooner or later.. They're wondering when they should have the next BUTT NUGGET... er uh... BABY.. because they know that the temporary discomfort... though at the time seems like it may DESTROY them utterly... is worth it all...
Like I mentioned a moment ago, I've not yet given birth to any children. BUT, the other day, I had a "lady procedure" done, that made me FEEL as if I knew first hand the pain that my friends who HAVE had children have endured. I had a Hisceroscopy.... meaning, they lodged at 987ft (slight exxageration) telescopic camera thru my URETHRA...and I DONT mean Franklin.... in order to better view whats goin' on "up in there"... they also did a Pap&Grab... meaning basically they snatched stuff out to biopsy it, and they didnt numb me or even warn me about the pain that was set before me....
Listen folks... I have one SERIOUSLY high pain tolerance...when i tell you it looked like I was Emily Rose, mid excorcism...i was Buckin' and squirming, and crying, and DEMANDING that they stop just for a moment, so that I could breathe. They of COURSE did not HEED MY FAINTEST, OR LOUDEST CRY...and continued like I WASNT crying, and begging for mercy.... OH, the BEST PART... they had a wee lil' asian BOY student in there, peepin' my lady garden, like he wanted to check out the landscaping for HIS OWN home one day!!! I WAS LIVID...and I was in so much shock and pain, that all i could do was cry for a while once they left the room.
The procedure and the pain, neccessary....but my GOD how it hurt.... the only thing I could liken it to, when trying to describe it, was like the worst contraction pain EVER... where there's NOTHING you can do to make it easier on yourself, you just have to sit, stand, stop....endure, and keep on pushing for the prize that's ahead.
Recently, I've been feeling like there are some REALLY wonderful things ahead for me, that are going to require alot of work, and dedication but I feel in my heart and spirit that I'm being propelled into my destiny. Its also been an incredibly hard time for me for a LONG,LONG time now.... I've been in labor, a LONG time. But I believe in my heart what the word of God says in Hebrews 8:18(kjv), "for I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
YES in HEAVEN all of that we went through on Earth that we don't understand, will all make sense... I get it from a heavenly perspective, but I'm talking about right here on Earth.... Sometimes, just before you step into your season of "victory" it can feel like life is running you ragged...
Dont quit pushing... like Journey said "DONT STOP BELIEVIN'"... you may NOT wanna hold on to that feelin'...cuuuuuuz it hurts... just keep in mind what you're "fighting" for... Life all around you may be falling to pot....But God is VERY aware of you, he KNOWS your heart, he KNOWS your purpose...waaaay more than you think YOU do... Stay in the fight!!! It's GUNNA be worth it all!! ALL, ya hear me?!?!
ALL.
I love you! God Bless!!
I've never had the honor of giving birth to a child. I feel like i've got about 15 kids, the way my heart attaches itself to the children of the friends that I know and love. Im the proud aunt of 4girls and the GMama (God mother) of one precious boy named Jackson, whom i never see enough...or keep in touch with....I'm a pretty sucky friend and aunt, now that I THINK about it...hahaha.... But I digress. I've been present at several of the births of my friends kids....It's a HARD, HARSH, process....but all of these FOOL mother friends of mine keep turning around and having MORE children...KNOWING the pain that they'll have to endure, because in the end, it's WORTH it. The pain, the crying, the anger...the swelling, the HATE of God and man that comes,fleetingly throughout the pregnancy....All worth it... and sooner or later.. They're wondering when they should have the next BUTT NUGGET... er uh... BABY.. because they know that the temporary discomfort... though at the time seems like it may DESTROY them utterly... is worth it all...
Like I mentioned a moment ago, I've not yet given birth to any children. BUT, the other day, I had a "lady procedure" done, that made me FEEL as if I knew first hand the pain that my friends who HAVE had children have endured. I had a Hisceroscopy.... meaning, they lodged at 987ft (slight exxageration) telescopic camera thru my URETHRA...and I DONT mean Franklin.... in order to better view whats goin' on "up in there"... they also did a Pap&Grab... meaning basically they snatched stuff out to biopsy it, and they didnt numb me or even warn me about the pain that was set before me....
Listen folks... I have one SERIOUSLY high pain tolerance...when i tell you it looked like I was Emily Rose, mid excorcism...i was Buckin' and squirming, and crying, and DEMANDING that they stop just for a moment, so that I could breathe. They of COURSE did not HEED MY FAINTEST, OR LOUDEST CRY...and continued like I WASNT crying, and begging for mercy.... OH, the BEST PART... they had a wee lil' asian BOY student in there, peepin' my lady garden, like he wanted to check out the landscaping for HIS OWN home one day!!! I WAS LIVID...and I was in so much shock and pain, that all i could do was cry for a while once they left the room.
The procedure and the pain, neccessary....but my GOD how it hurt.... the only thing I could liken it to, when trying to describe it, was like the worst contraction pain EVER... where there's NOTHING you can do to make it easier on yourself, you just have to sit, stand, stop....endure, and keep on pushing for the prize that's ahead.
Recently, I've been feeling like there are some REALLY wonderful things ahead for me, that are going to require alot of work, and dedication but I feel in my heart and spirit that I'm being propelled into my destiny. Its also been an incredibly hard time for me for a LONG,LONG time now.... I've been in labor, a LONG time. But I believe in my heart what the word of God says in Hebrews 8:18(kjv), "for I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us."
YES in HEAVEN all of that we went through on Earth that we don't understand, will all make sense... I get it from a heavenly perspective, but I'm talking about right here on Earth.... Sometimes, just before you step into your season of "victory" it can feel like life is running you ragged...
Dont quit pushing... like Journey said "DONT STOP BELIEVIN'"... you may NOT wanna hold on to that feelin'...cuuuuuuz it hurts... just keep in mind what you're "fighting" for... Life all around you may be falling to pot....But God is VERY aware of you, he KNOWS your heart, he KNOWS your purpose...waaaay more than you think YOU do... Stay in the fight!!! It's GUNNA be worth it all!! ALL, ya hear me?!?!
ALL.
I love you! God Bless!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
A tribute to my mommy
Today was Mother's Day. I'm sure that's no major announcement to MOST of you, but just in case you were too busy going about life, and the date snuck up on ya....consider this a personal Public Service Announcement from me to you..
I've known for quite some time now that I wanted to write a blog in honor of my mom, Yasmin Brown. Now that I'm actually doing so, it seems as though I've developed a bit of "writer's block". Not because I'm lacking words to say...but because there's so MUCH that I want to say.
My mom, is the TRUTH!! If I were speaking in a more relaxed, "urban" jargon, I'd say that she was the STRAIGHT UP truth!! Meaning, she's the real deal. Most of you know that my family is not a "traditional" one, by any sense of the word. Anymore families like mine aren't uncommon... But back when my parents began to assemble our family; families like ours were a little more rare. My parents adopted myself, my 2 younger brothers, and then added my lovely sister as their foster child when I was about 15. I knew from a very early age, that it took WAY more than having a child "naturally", or biologically to be a parent. My parents were always upfront and honest with all of us about the fact that we'd been adopted by them when we were small babies. It's something that I've always been grateful for. But what I'm grateful for the MOST are the lessons I've learned from my mom, when she wasn't neccessarily going out of her way to teach me anything in particular.
I learned that a mother, a REAL mother will protect her family at all costs. I learned that a REAL mother would think NOTHING about striking to kill someone who hurt her children. I learned that a REAL mother will do her best to give advice and wisdom to her children,and that even when it seems hopeless to continue to believe that there is any good whatsoever in her children, she will. I learned that a REAL mother has a heart as big as Texas,and even when it's been broken by the foolish behavior of her child, she always has more love to give. I learned that it's ok, to be confident in who you are as a person, and in the giftings given to you by God. Not only is it ok, it's important. However, it's also imperative that you keep the Lord the central figure of your life, in ALL that you do.
I've learned that a REAL mother will sacrifice of herself, all of her live long days to provide for her family. She'll cry with you, she'll cry FOR you, and most likely at some point, she'll cry BECAUSE of you. I learned from my mother that having big dreams, and big goals is a wonderful thing. I also learned that having the biggest goals and dreams in the world mean NOTHING, if you're not willing to put some blood, sweat and tears behind them, to bring them to fruition. A REAL mother will defend her child against anyone who for whatever reason, can't see her children through the same eyes of love that she does. A REAL mother will put her own hopes and aspirations on hold, in order to build up the hopes and aspirations of her kids.
When you can only see the WORST in you, she sees the best, and she reminds you of who you really are, when you can't seem to remember. My mother taught me to NEVER quit. Even when you have good reason to. I watched my mom work harder than anyone else,stay longer than anyone else, and put more of herself into her work than anyone else, because whatever she did, needed to be done in excellence. My mother is an academically brilliant woman. She attended both an HBCU and an Ivy league university. But whenever I had difficulty in learning something that may have come easy for her.... she didn't rest until she found away to get the knowlege to me in a way that I could understand.EVEN if that met hiring a BILLION tutors, or writing and performing a rap song to teach me math. (Oh, and when I say perform...lol you aint' seen NOTHING til' you see my mom rappin' ala "rappers delight" to teach me the formula E=MCsquared) A REAL mom can be a little "obnoxious" sometimes with the pride she has in her children,but she doesn't care. Lastly a REAL mom, can look at a child that's been given away, and given the title "orphan"; take that child as her own, and give it the title "loved&chosen".
My mom and I have been the best of friends at times, and we've gotten on each other's nerves SO badly, we thought we'd kill each other. Matter of fact, it amazes me sometimes that I've made it into my 30's. I gave that poor woman such a hard time in my younger days, Lawd.... Sometimes,because of my own insecurities I worry that I've not done enough to show her how much I love her, and that I've not made her proud enough with what I've accomplished in life so far. But because MY mom is such a good mom.... the moment that I begin to doubt myself, when I'm at my lowest moments and all I can seem to hear in my head are voices from my past seeking to remind me of where I come from, and where I've been. I IMMEDIATELY hear an even LOUDER, stronger, resounding voice, reminding me that I'm loved, I am chosen, and that where ever I go, she will ALWAYS be right by my side. It's the voice of my mother... my REAL mother, Yasmin Roberts Brown, and THAT makes everything alright.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, and Happy Mother's Day to ALL of you who have loved, nurtured, and cared for a child. The world is a better place because of women like you!!
I've known for quite some time now that I wanted to write a blog in honor of my mom, Yasmin Brown. Now that I'm actually doing so, it seems as though I've developed a bit of "writer's block". Not because I'm lacking words to say...but because there's so MUCH that I want to say.
My mom, is the TRUTH!! If I were speaking in a more relaxed, "urban" jargon, I'd say that she was the STRAIGHT UP truth!! Meaning, she's the real deal. Most of you know that my family is not a "traditional" one, by any sense of the word. Anymore families like mine aren't uncommon... But back when my parents began to assemble our family; families like ours were a little more rare. My parents adopted myself, my 2 younger brothers, and then added my lovely sister as their foster child when I was about 15. I knew from a very early age, that it took WAY more than having a child "naturally", or biologically to be a parent. My parents were always upfront and honest with all of us about the fact that we'd been adopted by them when we were small babies. It's something that I've always been grateful for. But what I'm grateful for the MOST are the lessons I've learned from my mom, when she wasn't neccessarily going out of her way to teach me anything in particular.
I learned that a mother, a REAL mother will protect her family at all costs. I learned that a REAL mother would think NOTHING about striking to kill someone who hurt her children. I learned that a REAL mother will do her best to give advice and wisdom to her children,and that even when it seems hopeless to continue to believe that there is any good whatsoever in her children, she will. I learned that a REAL mother has a heart as big as Texas,and even when it's been broken by the foolish behavior of her child, she always has more love to give. I learned that it's ok, to be confident in who you are as a person, and in the giftings given to you by God. Not only is it ok, it's important. However, it's also imperative that you keep the Lord the central figure of your life, in ALL that you do.
I've learned that a REAL mother will sacrifice of herself, all of her live long days to provide for her family. She'll cry with you, she'll cry FOR you, and most likely at some point, she'll cry BECAUSE of you. I learned from my mother that having big dreams, and big goals is a wonderful thing. I also learned that having the biggest goals and dreams in the world mean NOTHING, if you're not willing to put some blood, sweat and tears behind them, to bring them to fruition. A REAL mother will defend her child against anyone who for whatever reason, can't see her children through the same eyes of love that she does. A REAL mother will put her own hopes and aspirations on hold, in order to build up the hopes and aspirations of her kids.
When you can only see the WORST in you, she sees the best, and she reminds you of who you really are, when you can't seem to remember. My mother taught me to NEVER quit. Even when you have good reason to. I watched my mom work harder than anyone else,stay longer than anyone else, and put more of herself into her work than anyone else, because whatever she did, needed to be done in excellence. My mother is an academically brilliant woman. She attended both an HBCU and an Ivy league university. But whenever I had difficulty in learning something that may have come easy for her.... she didn't rest until she found away to get the knowlege to me in a way that I could understand.EVEN if that met hiring a BILLION tutors, or writing and performing a rap song to teach me math. (Oh, and when I say perform...lol you aint' seen NOTHING til' you see my mom rappin' ala "rappers delight" to teach me the formula E=MCsquared) A REAL mom can be a little "obnoxious" sometimes with the pride she has in her children,but she doesn't care. Lastly a REAL mom, can look at a child that's been given away, and given the title "orphan"; take that child as her own, and give it the title "loved&chosen".
My mom and I have been the best of friends at times, and we've gotten on each other's nerves SO badly, we thought we'd kill each other. Matter of fact, it amazes me sometimes that I've made it into my 30's. I gave that poor woman such a hard time in my younger days, Lawd.... Sometimes,because of my own insecurities I worry that I've not done enough to show her how much I love her, and that I've not made her proud enough with what I've accomplished in life so far. But because MY mom is such a good mom.... the moment that I begin to doubt myself, when I'm at my lowest moments and all I can seem to hear in my head are voices from my past seeking to remind me of where I come from, and where I've been. I IMMEDIATELY hear an even LOUDER, stronger, resounding voice, reminding me that I'm loved, I am chosen, and that where ever I go, she will ALWAYS be right by my side. It's the voice of my mother... my REAL mother, Yasmin Roberts Brown, and THAT makes everything alright.
Happy Mother's Day Mom, and Happy Mother's Day to ALL of you who have loved, nurtured, and cared for a child. The world is a better place because of women like you!!
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